From The Sports Desk...

After completing the first stage of the Tour of California (I checked, it's a real event) some rascal boosted Lance "Even With One Testicle I Have More Balls Than You" Armstrong's time trial bicycle. Really.

The picture above is the missing bicycle. Lance posted the photo with a reward notice on Twitter of all places. I have a theory about the theft. Been reading a lot of Sherlock Holmes stories lately.

Lance had the coolest bike in the world. A spoiled rotten, envious rich boy named Francis tried to buy the bike. Lance wouldn't sell. So, fatty-boy Francis paid a local hoodlum to steal his ride and take it to ... The Alamo! My belief is Francis hid the bike in the basement.

If you ask me, and I know you want to, Lance needs to drop what he's doing and embark on a road trip to reclaim his bicycle. Maybe a trucker named Large Marge could lend him a hand. And you never know, Lance may get to be part of a Twisted Sister music video.

God speed Lance! We're with you!

Selah.