The gig won't be paid. It also won't be unpaid. In fact, you will have to pay me for the privilege of being my intern. I'm invoking the old Los Angeles club tradition of "pay to play." Don't scoff, many prominent bands had to fork over a few bucks to shred their guitars for years. A handful of those groups acquired record contracts. The cost for the coveted internship will be $750 clams a week. Cash.

You're on your own for housing here in Manhattan. What did you think, you could crash on my couch? I don't think so, Skippy. There is a hostel down the road, probably some good deals there. Be forewarned, the hostel blankets may have smallpox in them. And, the weather will be warming up soon, you can camp out in Riverside Park if you choose to.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I take no responsibility for attacks and/or muggings by street toughs, mole people, crack-heads, rent boys or gypsies.

My intern must be presentable. Male applicants are required to wear tweed suits and a bowler hat. If you figure out how to don a monocle, you will receive a $25 dollar credit on your weekly fee. On Mondays you must wear a tuxedo. No clip-on bow ties or cummerbunds will be allowed. Female hopefuls must wear dark business suits and Kentucky Derby-style hats. Monday? That's right ladies, formal wear. Make it classy.

Applicants must be extremely organized. I suggest keeping a clipboard with the days rundown of events handy at all times. You will be responsible for buying your own clipboard.

Part of my writing regimen, as Echowood will attest, relies on the proven benefits of snacking as I type. I need copious amounts of Mountain Dew, beef jerky, Skittles and other candies. Better keep me supplied and my sweet tooth satisfied or there will be trouble. In the mornings, I like herbal tea. Have the kettle ready. And heaven help you if you screw up my Bigelow Mint Medley. There will be hell to pay if you burn it.

A book of the deli's, pizza joints, hot dog stands and Chinese restaurants that I frequent will be made available to you. Get to know the staffs of these establishments. My food will need to be delivered promptly, at an appropriate temperature and with the proper condiments and accoutrements.

A large part of your duties will be scouring the world's periodicals looking for Monkey News. If a Rhesus Macaque has become a bartender in New Delhi or a chimp has learned to play a violin concerto, you better be on that. You will be called upon to research all manner of subjects. If you are asked for a list of silent films that would be funny to reference, you'll have three minutes. You must be quick on the draw when it comes to the Google. And the Dewey Decimal System. Just in case.

You will not be allowed to call me Johnny or J-Dub. Proper titles only. That way, we maintain a professional relationship. You may call me Reverend, Keymaster of Legends, Commander, Sorcerer, or Chairman of the Board. Refer to me as Johnny, you lose a toenail. You'll have to remove the nail yourself. I'm not going to do it. Feet are gross.

All incoming phone calls must be screened carefully. Echo goes to voicemail, my Mum goes directly through. DO NOT put my Mum on hold. If you do, you will be terminated on the spot.

I thinking about getting a dog, just so you'll have to walk the beast. A huge pooch that takes monster, stegosaurus deuces. Bring a shovel.

IMPORTANT NOTE: You will be responsible for buying your own shovel.

This truly is a dream gig for any young man or woman looking to pad the resume. After you are my intern, the world is your oyster.

If you think this is the internship for you, please send a resume, cover letter, writing sample and $50 dollars cash to the YBNBY Head Office. I'm looking to fill the position before my March 20th birthday.

Best of luck, kids.

Reverend Wright