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We have a backroom here at the home office that used to house a Foosball table. We accidentally set fire to it during a game of "Let's see which burns quicker" and since then the room has been nothing but a receptacle for unwanted filth. (Sort of like your mother). The filth I speak of are bins and bins of reader mail that's been sent to us over the years. And while we had every intention of writing back, we chose to simply take the presents you sent us and discard the rest. Strangely, Scaramouch makes me open all the envelopes with white powder inside of them as well. We decided it was time to put a dent into the mail situation and start writing back, after all, we need a place to put our new keg-a-rator. Let's begin...

Dear YesButNoButYes,
As a child, I dreamed of working at Disney World. As I grew, that dream turned to playing in the NFL, running my own hedge fund, and finally to writing for you guys. How can I get a job?

Sincerely,
Bob - Toledo, OH

Bob,
Thanks for reading and for the great question! And the answer is: you can't. Writing for YesButNoButYes isn't something you just fall into. It takes years and years of practice. You need to be able to not see Chocolate Rain as a simply song sung performed by a strange kid. But as an epic film that showcases not just racial tensions still at work in the world, but of a passionate and gifted soul hoping, through divine providence, to spread peace and understanding. Also, you need to use the word "cerulean" at least once a week in a sentence and know what it means. Thanks again for your question and best of luck!

YBNBY-
How can I date Echowood? Not only do I find his articles interesting and hilarious, but I get turned on each time I surf onto your site and see his sexy mug staring back at me from the side bar. Please help, I can't wait much longer!

XO
Amber - Lincoln, NE

You'd be amazed at the number of these we get a day. We have a whole section of the mail room devoted to these letters. And Amber, I'm assuming by your name you're a stripper, thanks for the interest. The best way to get a date with me is to send several pictures of yourself in various lighting conditions and from different angles, along with your measurements, height, weight, dietary restrictions and last year's tax return to the home office. If your stats meet our particular requirements, you'll receive a response. Please note, you'll be required to pay for both your portion of the date as well as Echo's, and feel free to refer to Echo as "Papa Grande" mid-coitus, should the night take that sort of turn. Thanks!

Dearest YesButNoButYes,
I would like a date with Echowood. Please let me know if he's single.

Robert -Ozone Park, NY


Robert,
Again, send pictures, measurements and the like to the home office.

Yesbutnobutyes,
Now that some time has passed, can you please tell us where Johnny has been for the last few months?

Regards,
Nicole -Coral Gables, FL

Nicole,
As a matter of national security, we are forbidden from disclosing Johnny's location. However, he is scheduled to return in early February so we recommend checking back then. (He may have some answers.)

Dear YBNBY-
I'm trying to do my Chemistry homework and I need to know what the terpenoid molecule atisane looks like.

Tim -Fairfield, CT


Tim,
Here you go:atisane.png
YesBut...
Does Miss C enjoy being the only girl on the staff?

-Annie, Brattleboro, VT

I can't say for sure Annie, but I do know she's great at posting boob related posts. Thanks for your question!

YBNBY-
If the entire staff were stranded on a deserted island and you were forced to kill and eat one co-worker, which one would it be and why?

Thrillingly yours,
Bernard -Leamington Spa, UK

Bernard,
Don't think we haven't discussed this before. This is something every group of people needs to talk about if they find themselves working together. Were we to find ourselves on a beach, staring out into a cerulean ocean, our stomachs rumbling for want of food, we decided we'd eat Baierman first. We've actually kept him in a small cage to turn his body meat into a similar texture to veal -should such a situation arise. And don't think my mouth hasn't watered as I walk past his pen each morning. Great question!

Well, that's all the time we have for this edition of reader mail. If you have anything you'd like answered, or you're inquiring about a date with Echowood, please contact us via this address.
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20 Comments

my question: is Baierman pronounced BAYER-man or BUYER-man? or perhaps a third completely different option.

said mobudaki on January 27, 2009 6:56 PM.

I have a question:

Can a booger be used as evidence in a murder trial and, if so, can DNA be extracted from a booger for use as a defense?

said Tim on January 27, 2009 7:43 PM.

Good question mo, your first idea is correct. Another way to pronounce it is BEAR-man. Hence the reason I'm first up to be eaten.

Tim, eat your boogers. That way none can be used against you

said Baierman on January 27, 2009 10:56 PM.

Echowood, did that "Amber" letter have a Nutley postmark on it? Grrrrr.

The Robert one too, probably.

And when the hell is Johnny coming back?

said Scaramouch on January 27, 2009 11:16 PM.

Scara, it doesn't matter where Cindy gets her appetite as long as she eats her dinner at home...

said sarcastic one on January 27, 2009 11:19 PM.

PG--
my question--the person who "accidentally" set fire to the office Foosball table...he wasn't the reigning champ of the office, was he?

things that make you go hmmm......

said sarcastic one on January 27, 2009 11:36 PM.

Wait--Johnny's return is scheduled for February sweeps?

more things that make you go hmmmm......

said sarcastic one on January 27, 2009 11:37 PM.

Sarcky... thank you, now I can't make this song go out of my head... thank you soooooo much.

said Leonardo Carvalho on January 28, 2009 5:42 AM.

Echo.

my wife want's to know, where can she get a set of those nice lacey pillowcases and sheets that your girl has on her bed?

Thanks
The Sherrif

said Sheriff Pablo on January 28, 2009 7:54 AM.

I always wanted to know who's the chick in the YBNBY tshirt in the side bar????

said mart on January 28, 2009 8:47 AM.

mart, you must be more specific...that's YBNBY model 2.0.

Model 1.0 had some kinks to be worked out and went back to the drawing board...
(maybe using the word kinks and referring to her in the same sentence is wrong...)

said sarcastic one on January 28, 2009 9:15 AM.

Scaramouch,
I'm not sure I like what you're implying...


said CindylovesEchwood on January 28, 2009 9:25 AM.

Oddly enough, the "Amber" letter WAS from Nutley, NJ. The "Robert" one came from some men's prison in Colorado. Sheriff - Lindsey says she doesn't know where she got the sheets from, but most likely stole them from her mother years ago. And finally, I'm not sure who the chick in the YBNBY sidebar is... but I want to.

said Echowood on January 28, 2009 9:40 AM.

If I'm not mistaken the model in our store ad was ex-YBNBY writer Alan Smithe - before her, um, his sex change.

said Baierman on January 28, 2009 9:45 AM.

If I knew Miss C was good on the boob postings, I would have consulted her on how to approach the Boobs for Bigus subject.....my question is: Can we just skip the desert island scenario and just go ahead and eat Baierman? I think he's starting to smell and I don't want him to spoil.

said Bigus Dickus on January 28, 2009 9:52 AM.

Baireman reminds me of beairnase sauce, i cant spell that either, so no one knows who the YBNBY model is lol, maybe you should get a new one, do a massive photo shoot and let us pick the best photo for the store ad, or just more boobs for bigus posts, either ones good.....

said mart on January 28, 2009 10:33 AM.

I'd love to do another Boobs for Bigus post but the response was so underwhelming that I don't think you guys are ready for a 3rd one yet.....

said Bigus Dickus on January 28, 2009 10:51 AM.

CLE is so obviously a fake--because the real Cindy knows how to spell Echowood...

and Scara, don't be jealous...unless she starts asking you to call her Lindsey (or slips up and calls you Papa Grande)--then it might be a problem (otherwise her harmless crush is just a huge compliment to you, your website, and your amazing ability to put together a terrific team of writers).

said sarcastic one on January 28, 2009 12:36 PM.

SO - there are literally thousands of jobs waiting for you in washington DC. You are quite the little spin doctor.

said Sheriff Pablo on January 28, 2009 2:26 PM.

SP...nah...I can spin but even I can't explain away the mess in Washington...it would take an expert in Satanology to tackle that one (perhaps a graduate of a school whose mascot is the devil?)...

said sarcastic one on January 28, 2009 9:40 PM.
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