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3:18 PM »
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A case for cigarettes....

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If you're like me then somewhere between breakfast and lunch, then between lunch and dinner, and again after dinner, you crave something sweet.

More often than not, I give in.

The result is that I've started packing on the pounds.
And I hate having a gut.

But over the last few weeks I've got a new habit that's stopped my snacking cold.

I started smoking.

If you're concerned about your weight, I urge you to start too.

Instead of eating between meals.
Instead of fattening sweets.
You can keep slender these days by smoking.
Besides the smartest and coolest people around take this means of keeping thin.

When others nibble fattening, calorie filled sweets despite their ever-expanding ass, you can light up and keep your slim figure!


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I know, you're thinking I'm crazy to ignore the overwhelming evidence about how bad cigarettes are for me.
But so are fattening sweets. They just haven't been banned or regulated yet.
(But they will. Obama used to be a fat toad you know, the inspiration for the "Nutty Professor" before he started smoking.)

So far I've found smoking to be a delightful alternative to eating snacks.

Look, I'm not telling you anything that lots of crepe-thin people have believed for years. Or that you might have even thought about yourself.
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Smoking helps keep you fit and trim. When you're smoking, you're not eating.
Weight loss is as simple as that.

Despite all healthy findings, many prominent athletes smoke.
Lots of wealthy, smart business people smoke.
Same goes for doctors and nurses.
And every top model, musician and actress - smokes!

Now I'm not saying get rid of your sweets forever, a reasonable proportion of sugar in the diet is okay.
But the facts are overwhelming, fattening sweets are harmful and we Americans eat too many sugar filled things.

So, for moderation's sake, and to say attractive, I say "Light a lucky and you'll never miss the sweets that make you fat."

It's working for me.


PS - This post was inspired by...

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22 Comments

Bro, thats the most inspiring thing that have ever read at YBNBY. You really made a strong argument.
Not only that but you re-affirmed my suspicion that you are truly a badass.
I think I'll stop by the gas station on the way home from work and pick up a pack of smokes.

Thanks Baier, I think you may have changed my life.

Who's with me?

said Dave on January 6, 2009 1:32 PM.

After reading this I went to buy some instead of having my salad for lunch!

Dave, Can I still be a tree huger and smoke? I hope Green Peace doesn't kick me out now! Maybe I can get a refund on my membership dues?

said Jonniewalker on January 6, 2009 2:08 PM.

I'll pass...

I smoked for almost 6 years, and that's something I don't miss. Plus I need to gain some weight. According to my doctor, I need 6 more pounds to be a thin guy... If I resume smoking I'll fly to any breeze.


said Leonardo Carvalho on January 6, 2009 2:12 PM.

Leo, you are an ideal to which I aspire to be.

Wafer thin!

Do models down there ask you for dieting tips?

said Baierman on January 6, 2009 2:59 PM.

When I was in college I offered myself as a theme for the Nutrition Class' girls work on a thesis.
I'd like to know where all the food I eat --and it's not a little amount-- is going. I think I have Langoliers living inside my stomach.

said Leonardo Carvalho on January 6, 2009 4:22 PM.

That IS a great argument! I think I'll stop by the gas station on the way home from work and light up while I pump gas!

said owl on January 6, 2009 6:43 PM.

oh sweet Baier, why did you have to pick today to post this?

i don't return to work til tomorrow so i'm still holiday broke and out of cigarettes and eating a bowl of tortilla chips and hot sauce with 2 hands (don't ask how i'm typing this).

i so fail.

said mobudaki on January 6, 2009 8:27 PM.

Dang mobu, my sympathies. That said, smoking a Newport isn't exactly as pleasant as sailing along on a nice sunny day. They bein sneaky.

said E on January 6, 2009 8:43 PM.

Sorry mobudaki. Your keyboard can be cleaned and a few laps around the balcony will help burn off those tortilla calories.

said Baierman on January 6, 2009 11:22 PM.

Baier,

As yet another gesture to show how much I care, I am sending you a box of individually-wrapped, cigarette shaped Ayds. This should satisfy your cravings on all fronts.

And remember to think of me as you unwrap your Ayds.

Enjoy, my friend. Enjoy.

said Tim on January 6, 2009 11:40 PM.

Thanks Tim. You're a true friend.

Got anything with olestra hanging around?
You can drive it all up to NY in your Pinto.

said Baierman on January 6, 2009 11:49 PM.

Don't be silly, Baier. We save the Pinto for Sunday drives. The AMC Sportabout is for everyday use.

I'll just head down to Sinclair, fill 'er up with Ethyl and we'll be on our way.

I think I left a Marathon bar in the glove box from my last drive.

said Tim on January 7, 2009 12:33 AM.

Baier, you've inspired me as well. Tomorrow, during recess, I plan on handing cigarettes out to the children. Just doing my part to fight childhood obesity.

said Paul on January 7, 2009 12:43 AM.

Good thinking Paul. I just may do the same. There's a McDonalds a block from me. I think I'll stand outside it an give away cigs to anyone holding a big mac.

said Baierman on January 7, 2009 11:05 AM.

Well Tim you ever make it to NYC, we'll throw a party with cases of Bud Dry, Crystal Pepsi and Summit Candy Bars.

said Baierman on January 7, 2009 11:27 AM.

Wow Baier, for that I just might have to bring the Delta 98 out of retirement.

said Tim on January 7, 2009 11:32 AM.

Delta 98, I had to look that up.

Will you be playing Funkmaster Flex on your 8-track?

said Baierman on January 7, 2009 11:41 AM.

Nah. Frampton Comes Alive, Physical Graffiti and Captain Fantastic.

said Tim on January 7, 2009 12:18 PM.

I'll send you my 3 Dog Night and Loggins/Messina

said Baierman on January 7, 2009 2:01 PM.

i think anorexia worked well enough for me, i never needed cigarettes

said notjohndoe2 on January 8, 2009 2:10 AM.

*blows smoke rings into the room*

chicago .. on an 8 track is has to be chicago

said alex on January 11, 2009 3:41 AM.

Okay, so smoking makes you not eat. But here's the thing: If you're going to smoke, please eat something. I don't care what it is, just SOMETHING. If you don't, you're going to get really, REALLY sick. Trust me, it happened to me. I smoked a few cigarettes within a certain time period without eating something and I felt so sick. So sure, smoking makes you not eat, but please eat something or even drink something. Just put something in your stomach before you smoke.

said Raylaena on January 24, 2009 4:58 PM.
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