With great anticipation, I slowly opened the fridge and pulled open the drawer that contained the glowing package of wholesome goodness.  Like a porn star, I was on a mission to handle my meat with care.  Before cooking though, I received a little surprise when I read the important nutrition info:

(artist rendering)

Kept nagging at me and my surprise excitement of beef bacon.  She grew up on a farm and had to remind me how they used to butcher and eat the whole cow (so this wasn't new to her).  Anyways, sorry to get sidetracked.  Once I got a few pieces out, I noticed it wasn't as greasy as regular bacon and seemed to fall apart a lot easier as well:

But I didn't take that as a bad sign though (ed. warning sign #2).  Once cut up, it was time to throw it in a pan and wait:

And wait:

I like mine a little crispy (so sue me if it looks like turds).  Amazingly during the cooking process, it was relatively spatter free and I discovered that (for once) one can finally cook bacon without a shirt on!  Thank god for progress!  Now onto the important taste test:

Followed by the immediate glass of water:

Shockingly it was quite salty.  Not in a "Oops, I added a pinch more salt than I should" salty but in a "This tastes like country ham" salty.  For those not in the south, take my word, GOOD country ham is basically salt cured pork.  Quite tasty when fried or on biscuits.  Bacon though, should not, I repeat, SHOULD NOT, remind someone of this.  It should be crispy and flavorful and taste like the animal that it came from and not be a mouth full of salt.  Maybe I cooked it wrong.  Maybe I should have followed the microwave or broil directions, I don't know (ed. those questions will never be answered as the package is resting in a landfill somewhere in SC).  With this final though, I say: Beef bacon is apparently new territory in the bacon market and from there, all they can do is go up.  Hopefully they'll hire someone who can get the ball rolling in the right direction but for now, it's going down the wrong path and I'll stick to pork.  Here's a Homer Simpson quote to tide you over for now:

Homer: I'll have the smile face breakfast special.  uhh, but could you add a bacon nose?  Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o' clock shadow made of bacon bits and a bacon body.

Waitress: How about I just shave a pig down your throat?

(Homer looks excited)

Homer: Fine, but the bacon man lives in a bacon house!

Waitress: No he doesn't!