Each year, our mailboxes are filled with holiday cards wishing us happiness, peace, cheer, and prosperity during the season. Mixed in with these, often, are the holiday updates. Several detailed pages of the sender's family's life over the past year. Self-aggrandizement has never been more pure than in the paragraphs of these notes. Sure, the sender wants you to have a great Christmas, but only at the expense of learning about their childrens' vast accomplishments over the year. Did Suzie get accepted into the Légion D'Honneur in February? Has Francis finally built his nanoscopic-flux dispersal mechanism in the basement? No accomplishment goes undocumented.Just once, I want a family to talk about their son's stint in rehab or how they had to kill their dog to feed the family in the economic downturn. This year, I thought I'd write the YesButNoButYes Holiday Update, giving you a completely made-up account of what we've done over the past year ... warts and all.
We hope this note finds you and yours happy and healthy and ready for a new year! Things at the YesButNoButYes family have been interesting this year. While it's been a troubling time for the nation and the world at large, we at YesButNoButYes have had a particularly tough year.
Obviously the files we baked into those apple pies for Scaramouch were not enough to break him out of prison. A conviction for helicopterian-manslaughter should not carry such a heavy sentence. Still, we all grow sad thinking about that fateful day on the Serengeti when Scara just had to grab the controls and fly into the tribe of Tanzanian bushmen. We've petitioned the authorities for his early release, going so far as to have Johnny offer himself up sexually to the Judge. Alas, all attempts at his release proved futile.
Baierman continues to amaze us each day. He has almost fully grasped the single and double syllable words in the English language again. And while he may never return to the sport of Pole-Vaulting, the regulations and bylaws enacted by the United States Pole Vaulting Association after his accident will save many lives from being disrupted or ruined as with Baier. Also, some of his finger paintings are available for purchase on the website.
This past Summer, we all cheered as Miss Cellania was hired as VP of Finance Management at Lehman Brothers.
We all miss Johnny and wish for his speedy and healthy return from the animal fetish sexual addiction rehab clinic. From his correspondence, it appears he's doing well. However, we fear we may have to move the home office away from the Chihuahua racing facility. It's for his own good.
Echowood was devastated when we arrived home to find his vast collection of porcelain figurines depicting children dancing on mushrooms had been stolen. A collection years in the making, he hasn't said more than a few words since it's loss back in October.
Jeem, who was running John McCain's New York headquarters, has started putting "Don't blame me, I voted for the other guy" bumper stickers on his car already.
The arrival of Bigus Dickus, has thus far brought nothing but happiness into our lives. Though, he was sorry to learn that former commenters and current writers are not eligible for the prizes in our annual holiday giveaway. Last we heard, he was questioning us about obtaining a handgun permit.
We hope all of you have had an amazing year. Best of luck in the new year!
Obviously the files we baked into those apple pies for Scaramouch were not enough to break him out of prison. A conviction for helicopterian-manslaughter should not carry such a heavy sentence. Still, we all grow sad thinking about that fateful day on the Serengeti when Scara just had to grab the controls and fly into the tribe of Tanzanian bushmen. We've petitioned the authorities for his early release, going so far as to have Johnny offer himself up sexually to the Judge. Alas, all attempts at his release proved futile.
Baierman continues to amaze us each day. He has almost fully grasped the single and double syllable words in the English language again. And while he may never return to the sport of Pole-Vaulting, the regulations and bylaws enacted by the United States Pole Vaulting Association after his accident will save many lives from being disrupted or ruined as with Baier. Also, some of his finger paintings are available for purchase on the website.
This past Summer, we all cheered as Miss Cellania was hired as VP of Finance Management at Lehman Brothers.
We all miss Johnny and wish for his speedy and healthy return from the animal fetish sexual addiction rehab clinic. From his correspondence, it appears he's doing well. However, we fear we may have to move the home office away from the Chihuahua racing facility. It's for his own good.
Echowood was devastated when we arrived home to find his vast collection of porcelain figurines depicting children dancing on mushrooms had been stolen. A collection years in the making, he hasn't said more than a few words since it's loss back in October.
Jeem, who was running John McCain's New York headquarters, has started putting "Don't blame me, I voted for the other guy" bumper stickers on his car already.
The arrival of Bigus Dickus, has thus far brought nothing but happiness into our lives. Though, he was sorry to learn that former commenters and current writers are not eligible for the prizes in our annual holiday giveaway. Last we heard, he was questioning us about obtaining a handgun permit.
We hope all of you have had an amazing year. Best of luck in the new year!
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Oh Echo, my good brother. You always tell the glass-is-half-empty version of the story. My glass-is-half-full version reads something like this:
As in previous years, Scaramouch remains a slave to his past. He spends most of his days committed. Committed to the welfare of those unfairly incarcerated. His remarkable dedication is something most of us can only watch from afar. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man!
Baierman's launch of the new 'Finger Art' medium has been wildly successful, especially among Italian Americans. He also continues to work with the United States Pole Vaulting Association. In fact, a recent polling suggests that his work will lead to many safety measures being enacted, thus saving many lives. He is most proud, however, of the time he spends as Special Assistant in Mrs. Brown's Kindergarten reading class. Oy, the stories he brings home!
After many frustrating years being looked over for promotion and fighting the good 'ole boys network, Miss Cellania finally decided to get a fresh start. This summer, she moved to New York and took a position with a small, dynamic financial organization. In fact, she is now working with many former Lehman Brothers executives and has recently received a grant from the Federal Government. She is learning more about the financial world than she ever thought she could. What a unique opportunity!
Johnny continues to work with animals. His delicate touch and enthusiasm in caring for God's creatures is unmatched. He is especially talented at collaring and dressing for parade and show. You should see the gleam in his eyes as he struts through the dog shows with his latest procurement. It is truly precious.
Echowood continues to develop into quite a unique young man. This year found him playing baseball, football, soccer; all under the watchful eye, gentle hand and careful guidance of his coach/father. (I swear that man doesn't trust Echo to be alone for a minute!) How I yearn for the simple days when Echo would collect action figures and spend endless hours reading big sister's magazines. But, nope, those days are long-gone. Did I mention how masculine he is? I swear there are times when people just stop what they are doing and stare in amazement as he walks by. He is so masculine.
Jeem continues his work with the elderly. This year found Jeem spending most of his days helping a Vietnam veteran tour the U.S., helping to fulfill yet another veteran's lifelong dream. (You may recall his work with a veteran from Massachusetts four years ago.) Sadly, the tour ended in November. But Jeem, always looking to get aboard the next train of hope, ended the year assisting an elderly lady from California who works with Congress in the U.S. Capitol building. Good luck in Washington, Jeem!
Bigus Dickus continues to amaze us. Recently hired by an online marketing conglomerate, he continues to write articles from his basement 'think-tank'. His contributions are read daily by many, many people and are constantly being refreshed. We're particularly proud of his attitude and dedication to his work. When asked if it is all worth it, he regularly responds, "Heck, I'd do it for nothing." You should have seen the look in his eyes when he received his first royalty check. What a special moment! It's good to see him have success and be so handsomely rewarded.
Well, that's it for this year. Another year of many successes, and much to be thankful for. As always, we beg with all the sincerity in the world that you will set this letter down, go warm up the car and head right for our house where you will be merrily greated with open arms for an extended stay of no defined length in a room we have always had waiting just for you so that we may finally partake in all the food we have stored awaiting your arrival.
Merry Christmas to all!
Tim - you win. I can't compete with that.
Just trying to tally up some comments for ya, my man.
Thanks man, it's been a slow day.
I also enjoy weaving baskets and am a freelance rodeo clown.
Freelance rodeo clown? That must be tough work to break in to, what with the United Rodeo Clown Association (URCA) and all.
I hate unions.
No shit, those clown unions can be rough. you cross them you'll get fitted for very large pair of cement shoes...
Now that, folks, is a comedy team!
Give it up for Sheriff Pablo and the Monkey. 'Night everyone! Drive safe.
Will you be here all week?
And should we try the veal or the chicken?