With great anticipation, I slowly opened the fridge and pulled open the drawer that contained the glowing package of wholesome goodness. Like a porn star, I was on a mission to handle my meat with care. Before cooking though, I received a little surprise when I read the important nutrition info:

It’s a little blurry (all I had was a phone camera to document this) but I found it’s actually healthier than pork bacon! Who knew? 2.5g of fat? Surely this can’t be the same bacon we all have come to love and digest. My wife though:

(artist rendering)

Kept nagging at me and my surprise excitement of beef bacon. She grew up on a farm and had to remind me how they used to butcher and eat the whole cow (so beef bacon wasn’t new to her). Anyways, sorry to get sidetracked, once I got a few pieces out, I noticed that it wasn’t as greasy as regular bacon and seemed to fall apart a lot easier as well:

But I didn’t take that as a bad sign though. Once cut up, it was time to throw it in a pan and wait:

And wait:

Until it was finally cooked:

I like mine a little crispy so sorry if you think they look like turds. Amazingly during the cooking process, it was relatively spatter free and I discovered that (for once) one can finally cook bacon without a shirt on! Thank god for progress! Now onto the important taste test:

Followed by the immediate glass of water:

Shockingly it was quite salty. Not in a “Oops, I added a pinch more salt than I should” salty but in more of a “This tastes like country ham” salty. For those not in the south, take my word, GOOD country ham is basically salt cured pork. Quite tasty when fried or on biscuits. Bacon though, should not, I repeat, SHOULD NOT, remind someone of this. It should be crispy and flavorful and taste like the animal that it came from. It should not, be almost a mouth full of salt. Maybe I cooked it wrong. Maybe I should have followed the microwave or broil directions. I don’t know. Those question will be answered later but for now, I shall conclude this report with this final thought. Beef bacon is apparently new territory in the bacon market and from there, all they can do is go up. Hopefully they’ll hire someone who can get the ball rolling in the right direction but for now, I think it’s heading down the wrong path and I’m going to stick to pork. Here is a Homer Simpson quote to tide you over for now:

Homer: I’ll have the smiley face breakfast special. Uhh, but could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair, bacon mustache, five o’clock shadow made of bacon bits and a bacon body.
Waitress: How about I just shove a pig down your throat?
(Homer looks excited)
Waitress: I was kidding.
Homer: Fine, but the bacon man lives in a bacon house!
Waitress: No he doesn’t!