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Johnny Wright Takes a Sabbatical
chimpanzee-at-typewriter.jpegSome may have noticed that I have not written very much the last few weeks. Well, my Mum noticed. There has been a reason.

Unfortunately this is not a joke. I swear on a stack of Bibles. I am taking a leave of absence from YesButNoButYes.

Everything is fine. However, I have to attend to some personal/family matters and I won't be writing for a couple months. I'm not sure how much time I'll have so I'm just not going to post for a while. All or nothing, kids. I'm leaving New York next week. Temporarily.

Since the real reason is personal and rather boring, I thought I'd just make up what the explanation is that I am taking a sabbatical. Might be fun. For me it will be at least.

Now, if you are reading at work, make sure nobody is peeking over your shoulder. The following is classified to the 100,000+ of you that read our site each week. That's it. Nobody else can know the skinny. Maybe dim your monitor. Coast clear? Good.

I have been recruited by a "non-existent" inter-governmental agency to head a task force for a super-secret mission. An assignment of utmost importance. Our very existence my be in my hands.

Top-Secret.jpg
EYES ONLY!


While we are still compiling intelligence from all points, this is what I know: An evil, secret, conspiracy-riddled corporate conglomerate has been stealing valuable artifacts that will assist them in taking over the planet.

We have yet to pinpoint the location of their base of operations. That being the case, my travels could be extensive. I'm starting in Dartmoor England where there are reports of an evil man that has been using a huge hound to patrol the grounds outside a possible hideout. He is a possible leader of the evil group. The codeword for the den of iniquity is "Baskerville Hall." The hall lies on the moors, we have to be extra careful. It's spooky there.

The artifacts that are missing are quite extensive. A bejeweled falcon statue from the island of Malta. The Chachapoyan Fertility Idol stolen from the Hovitos tribe in Peru. The green Sword of Destiny from China. A mysterious briefcase - which all we know is that the combination is 666 - whose contents are still unknown. The case glows when opened, however. A magic rock filled with diamonds, that glows when placed near two other magical rocks. We believe the stone is from India. From Arabia, a flying carpet and an oil lamp that reportedly houses some sort of wish giving specter. Technology stolen from an air force base in Groom Lake Nevada. And many more.

While these items seem to have no relation to each other, there is a subtle connection. All contain ties to the supernatural. This leads us to believe this evil group has ties to the occult. We're not discounting the idea that Nazis are involved. Rascals.

There is some rather dodgy intel that alludes there may be some involvement from a religious secret society. I don't have much to go on, but I am heading to the Louvre to gather hints and clues from the paintings of Leonardo da Vinci. That may be stupid, but we have to do what we can to confirm the leads.

One lead indicates we may be looking for a man that uses a "golden gun." The weapon appears to be a gold plated Luger, but it may be custom made. The man with the golden gun could possibly be orchestrating the thefts.

Since I only have 80 days to complete this mission - I don't know why it's 80 days, it just is, don't worry about it - time is precious. In a crunch, I have been given access to a top secret military time machine made from a 1980's sports car. She runs on plutonium. Which oddly is cheaper than gasoline right now. Weird. If I do need to use the time machine, I have invested in a detailed sports almanac. Just in case.

(I'd like to get some new guitars after my mission. Don't judge me.)

One request I have made to the higher-ups is to commission John Williams to pen theme music for me as I traverse the globe. More dramatic. So far, no word back from Mr. Williams. Come on John, serve your country, dammit.

There is also intelligence that indicates that this entire evil organization may be aided from a "magic ring." A ring that rules them (bad guys) all. If true, and I hope to God it isn't, my team and I may need to fly to New Zealand and toss the ring into an active volcano. I read once that is the only way to destroy magic rings.

After my mission is completed, and the artifacts have been retrieved and given back to their proper owners, and evil is thwarted, I will return to YesButNoButYes. Then resume writing about monkeys and Bob Dylan.

Of course, there is a possibility that I may realize I have dead the whole time...

Thanks for reading my dreck. I honestly do appreciate it.

See you in a few months.

Goodnight and good luck,

Johnny Wright



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14 Comments

Godspeed Johnny Wright, we'll keep the homefires burning.

said Scaramouch on October 9, 2008 9:26 PM.

JW....I'll miss your posts...but keep a journal while you're gone--I sense a movie script or two in your travels :-)

and if you get bored and decide to sign on as an unregistered commenter to pick a fight and ruffle my feathers, go ahead...I hear the ratings go up when I get on my high horse....

said sarcastic one on October 9, 2008 9:27 PM.

JW, good luck bro. We all go to jail sooner or later. Watch yer bunghole buddy!

said E on October 9, 2008 10:01 PM.

Hurry back, and bring some monkeys with you!

said Miss Cellania on October 9, 2008 10:12 PM.

Hurry back JW Echo's going to be inconsolable without you.

said Sheriff Pablo on October 9, 2008 10:15 PM.

E ... Thanks? I think?

said Johnny Wright on October 9, 2008 10:26 PM.

JW, may the farce be with you.

Stay safe. And when in doubt - Duck!

We'll keep a bar stool warm for ya.

Oh, and if you make it to Australia could you pick up some Bundberg 180 for me. Thanks.

said Baierman on October 9, 2008 11:15 PM.

Johnny,

For the past few hours, I’ve been sitting here in shock over the story that just broke regarding your pending departure. I want to share how I feel and say something deep and meaningful, something soulful and inspirational; but I’m having trouble finding just the right words. I know that I don’t have much time to compose the thoughts that need to be shared; words of encouragement, words of hope, words to send you away knowing just how we feel about your contributions to our daily routine. So, in the interest of time, I think that it’s best if I just tweak something that I lifted from the Internet at some point, somewhere, and make it fit this most-somber of moments.

A Story for Johnny Wright -

A farmer was surveying his land one day and came across a small baby bird. The bird was clearly lost and separated from all protective influences. Being the Good Samaritan, the farmer picked up the small bird and took it to his farm. Once there, the farmer placed the small one in the chicken coop under the care of the newest mother hen. Thinking it as one of her own, the hen began to take care of the small bird. Soon, the small bird was walking around the farm pecking the ground and eating worms and insects. When a big animal came near, it would run away to its new mother for protection.

The following Spring, a one-legged preacher passed the farm and noticed the bird, which had now matured into a young adult. The preacher thought it odd that this young bird was among the group of chickens. He took the opportunity to examine further and determined that this glorious bird was, in fact, a young eagle. The preacher was surprised to see it, since it acted like a chicken and displayed none of the behavior expected of such a majestic animal.

Taking his newfound protégée aside, the one-legged preacher told the eagle, “Your life should not be restricted to this farm. You should fly freely and conquer the horizons.”

Nervously, the young eagle replied, “But I cannot fly. I’m like my brothers and sisters. I am nothing special.”

Quick to prove his point, the preacher took the eagle to a nearby cliff. As they ascended, the young eagle tried to escape what he perceived as pending doom. Once the summit was reached, the one-legged preacher opened his arms, and simply dropped the young eagle over the side. The terrified eagle did everything it could to survive. In the panic, the young eagle began to flap its wings. As the wind hit its wings, the eagle began to rise up and fly. With the new-found freedom of flying, it continued on and never returned.

The moral of the story: One of these days, Johnny, you may realize that you have the talent to run off and play Ernest Hemingway with all your literary fancy-boys. You’ll be successful, too, and achieve great things. But, if you don’t come back here and visit with the commoners from time-to-time, the people that help you refine your voodoo and keep you grounded, you will forever find yourself in limitless flight trying the stay off the endangered list, while searching for your safe haven.

And you’ll probably get shot anyway.

And we’ll peck your eyes out when we find the body.

Don’t listen to any one-legged preachers, Johnny! Come back soon!!

said Tim on October 10, 2008 2:45 AM.

My advice, check Burger King. Anything that's not supposed to exist turns up in a Burger King. Like Elvis.

Safe travels, and take a towel.

said Paul on October 10, 2008 4:45 AM.

That was incredibly kind of you Tim, my friend. Thank you.

Word to your Moms I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the Bible's got psalms,

JW

said Johnny Wright on October 10, 2008 9:17 AM.

JW...Paul's right--but take two towels....you don't want to dry off after a shower with the same towel that you used to....uh....dry off with.....earlier.

Tim, nicely done....I wasn't sure where you were going--I thought you were advising him not to return, but then you spun it around and landed it back in L77 territory, ensuring his return....

said sarcastic one on October 10, 2008 9:50 AM.

JW, that means you only have 151 rhymes. That's fewer than the average Dr. Seuss book. More rhymes than psalms is not that many rhymes.

What really hurts is that you didn't leave a monkey in your stead.

said Don't Swayze Bro on October 10, 2008 10:44 AM.

JW, I'm looking forward to your return. I like your "drek" and will miss it.

Best of luck to you and yours.

p.s. If you are going on a "beating of ass" mission like Jay and Silent Bob for all those that called you a "waste of air" or who took issue with your posts, dude, i was only fuckin with ya.

said phatlard on October 10, 2008 4:31 PM.

Johnny,
I'm sorry for teasing you and Echo about cats. I didnt' mean it.
I almost feel responsible for your leave.
I miss you.
I'm sorry for the mean things that I said.
I am only mean to those that I love.
Johnny? I'm sorry....
In honor of Johnny, I will take a sabatical from commenting until he comes back.
Johnny, this comment sabbatical is for you.

Love Dave.

said Dave on October 14, 2008 1:35 PM.
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