Above: No, YOUR costume won't be anywhere near this nice, but hey, at least there'll be one less motherfucking pirate this Halloween.
Gentlemen, we've all been there before: you weren't going to do anything for Halloween this year besides turn off your porch light and scarf down that bushel of fun-size Snickers all by yourself, but your bro just called to tell you to get your ass down to this raging bash that's got two kegs of your favorite beer and is brimming with "talent" dressed as the "sexy/slutty" variety of every profession/creature known to man, including 11 sexy cats and 6 slutty nurses. (Wait, that last slutty nurse was actually a slutty angel -- just noticed the wings.)
The catch? You MUST wear some sort of costume, or you can't get into the party. But even if the costume store were still open, you're broke as a joke. You can't sew, you don't have any cool props lying around, and you've used up all your creativity on your last sick day excuse at work. (Glad to hear your Dengue fever has cleared up, by the way.)
So what's a cheap, lazy, procrastinating horndog to do? Check out these suggestions, which meet (barely) the legal definition of "costume," are mostly comprised of stuff you already have lying around your home, and require only slightly more effort than scratching your balls.
Rubber Band Pig-Mutant
INGREDIENTS: One wide rubber band, placed around the head in configuration of your choice. (Bonus: if you have adequate body hair, bulk, and a Hawaiian shirt, you can just tape the rubber band to your cheek and be Captain Lou Albano.)
COST: $.02
PROS: Gives you license to make "Who's ready to get 'porked' tonight?" jokes. Chicks dig the funny.
CONS: Boogers. Chicks don't dig those so much, even if you refer to them with cute, Halloween-themed names like "bats in the cave." And too much time in the costume could lead to costly surgery for your deviated septum.
Toilet Paper Mummy
INGREDIENTS: 1-2 rolls of toilet paper (2-ply recommended)
COST: $.30 - $1.00
PROS: Chicks are always running out of toilet paper at parties (what the hell are they doing in there, anyway?) You can be their soft-but-strong white knight and save the day.
CONS: A larger, more dominant alpha male could attempt to actually wipe his ass with you.
The Unknown Comic
INGREDIENTS: One #6-size, brown paper grocery bag, with three holes cut out.
COST: Free - $.49 (or whatever is the cheapest thing in the grocery checkout lane)
PROS: Complete anonymity; also, your date has something to barf in if that 8th Long Island Iced Tea you poured down her throat is rejected on the ride home.
CONS: The Grade-A talent at the party is probably too young to know who the fuck the Unknown Comic is, and explaining it, in your lengthy diatribe that includes how Oingo Boingo were also once on the Gong Show, will only make you seem more old and pathetic than you actually are.
T-Shirt Pharaoh
INGREDIENTS: One old t-shirt for the headdress; one large bath towel for the tunic; every gold chain you own (and/or your ex-girlfriend left behind), worn on your bare chest; sandals.
COST: Free
PROS: Everyone has an old t-shirt lying around.
CONS: Not everyone has abs like the late Yul Brynner.
Joel Goodsen from Risky Business
INGREDIENTS: One pair Rayban Wayfarer sunglasses (or similar knockoffs); dress shirt; tighty-whities (the ones you were already going to sit on the couch and eat candy in); one pair white tube socks; portable MP3 player with Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock-n-Roll" on it (optional)
COST: Free - 99¢ - $159 (depending on whether you already have the Seger MP3 and/or Wayfarers)
PROS: You're capturing the magic of a pre-couch-jumping, pre-human-flight phase of Tom Cruise's career, when chicks still dug him.
CONS: Saggy elastic, cold weather could remind chicks of creepy, weird, present-day Cruise.
Flasher
Above: Fuck this amateur, pun-laden bullshit and be a man, ferchrissakes.
INGREDIENTS: One trench coat (Make sure it's long enough to be street-legal, since you won't be wearing anything under it. Sure, you could probably rig up some really cool and hilarious, lever-and-pulley-powered fake phallus made of pantyhose and poly-fill or something -- if you had more than eight minutes until your ride to the party shows up, you cheap, lazy procrastinator. Besides, the beauty of this costume is in its elegant simplicity.)
COST: Whatever trench coat you don't mind farting on directly for the rest of the night.
PROS: Go ahead and tell people at the party you're a flasher, but don't actually flash anyone. Pretty soon, every woman there will be practically begging to see your forbidden fruit.
CONS: Crap, forgot how cold it is tonight. That forbidden fruit looks more like a wilted prune.
Whoever/Whatever You Want
INGREDIENTS: One "Hello, My Name Is ____" decal
COST: Free - $3.59 (depending on whether you already have the decals; or print your own here.)
PROS: Your pseudo-intellectual rap, on how the concept of identity is an entirely artificial construct of the Aristotelian mind, just might work on that cute semiotics student.
CONS: Everyone else will just think you're a giant douche.
The Ghost of 10 Years Ago
INGREDIENTS: One sheet with two holes cut for the eyes. Sure, the classic white-sheet ghost is tried and true, but (a) who actually has all-white sheets on their bed, besides residents of hotels/mental institutions? (b) Linens-n-Shit is closed for the night, and new, white sheets are expensive anyway; and (c) those old, hideously-patterned sheets your ex-ex-ex-girlfriend left are never coming back in style anyway.
COST: The flood of bittersweet memories of all the fun you and your ex-ex-ex- once had on those sheets.
PROS: "Oh my God, I totally had those sheets when I was in, like, middle school -- hilarious!"
CONS: "Oh my God, what are those stains?"
White Trash
INGREDIENTS: One white, plastic kitchen trash bag, with leg holes cut out.
COST: 10¢
PROS: You get to shout "Git 'er done!" all night, which can have a surprisingly cathartic effect; cheaper than a mullet wig and Bubba teeth.
CONS: Pun-based; possibility of drunken asphyxiation; larger alpha male might try to actually fill your costume with trash, prompting derisive (but thematically appropriate) choruses of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "That Smell."
Mark David Chapman
INGREDIENTS: Two-tone molester glasses; paperback copy of The Catcher in The Rye; copy of Lennon/Ono's Double Fantasy LP.
COST: Free - your soul (if you have one)
PROS: Cool! You already have all the ingredients just sitting in your footlocker at the YMCA where you've been staying.
CONS: Whoa dude, your life has a lot of disturbing similarities to the guy who killed John Lennon. And your costume has already been done by Hollywood douchebag Jared Leto (above.)
Got a cheap, half-assed, last-minute costume suggestion of your own? Leave a comment below.
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Go as a PC. Blazer, khaki's and glasses. Part hair on the left.
Nice one, Swayze. Although (and not to fan the flames of a Mac vs. PC fanboy comment war or anything) isn't it kinda funny that the only real difference between a PC and Mark David Chapman is a paperback and an LP record? Hmm...
Go completely naked except for a hollowed out potato over your junk.
tell everyone you're a dictator
Wrap yourself in foil and go as a leftover
put on a hefty bag and go as a turd.
Eesh. I never noticed the PC/Assassin angle.
Mac: Hi. I'm a Mac.
PC: ..and I'm a PC.
Mac: Whatcha got there, PC?
PC: It's a copy of The Turner Diaries.
Mac: That's creepy.
PC: That's what Unix says. Said.
Brilliant, Pablo. Your suggestions really made my day.
Of course, I'm probably the only one who laughed out loud at the T Shirt Pharaoh
Don't forget angry neighbor. turn your t-shirt inside out and wear backwards. sweat pants optional, bathrobe a nice add on. walk around telling everyone you're trying to get some sleep and could they keep it down.
Oh, you mean a John McCain costume, EmanG?
(Sorry, couldn't resist...political embargo back on!)
I once made a last minute costume by putting on blue jeans tucked into work boots and a suitable plaid flannel shirt. I already sport blond hair and a cheesy moustache. Then I stuffed the shirt chest and sleeves with crumpled up paper towels (I do not naturally sport impressive musculature) and carried a roll of Brawny papertowels in my hand. Instant Brawny man. I felt really stupid leaving the house, but I must say this was one of the rare parties where I received a lot of good-natured attention (as opposed to not-so-good-natured taunting and ridicule, which has not been so rare for me in the past) and was asked to pose for several pictures with attractive women (cats and bunnies, etc, of course).
Dude, that's brilliant. I'd heard the ladies are quite partial to the Quicker-Picker-Upper, too. Way to rock the 'stache!
Bonus for next Halloween: switch out the roll of paper towels with a guitar, and voila! You're a member of Creedence Clearwater Revival.