I have an amazing ability to piss rampant video gamers off. Most see me as a seething alpha-male, too busy having sex to understand the intricacies of Dungeons & Dragons. For the most part, this is true. Though, avid readers no doubt understand that I've played my fair share of video games. (Click here, here and here for reference.) However, I attended the Penny Arcade Expo (PAX) in Seattle a few weeks ago, and made a decision to throw out my Playstation 3, rather than be associated with a crowd I can only define as wretchedly nerdy.
Let's talk about the smell. The event took place in the Washington State Convention and Trade Center, a huge building in downtown Seattle. You could park an aircraft carrier inside it and still have room for three Starbucks. And yet, the entire place smelled like a mixture of onions, burnt hair, and pedophilic clown make-up. This wasn't due to the hall's lack of air circulation, but rather those in attendance. Each person I walked past smelled as if they hadn't taken a shower since Super Mario Bros. 3 came out. I understand that World of Warcraft is addictive, but couldn't you spare 15 minutes of raiding time to hop in the shower and give the undercarriage a good once-over?
Second, what's with the costumes? I remember dressing up like a Ghostbuster for Halloween back in '86, and I also remember ending my costumed trick or treating when I reached Middle School. So why do grown men and women feel the need to dress up like Sonic the Hedgehog, and NOT collect Snickers bars? While waiting in line at the Subway, I stood behind a guy at least 22 year's old dressed up as Mario. Red cap, big white gloves, mustache, this guy spent upwards of $50 of his outfit. What made it worse is he carried a giant stuffed mushroom and, while walking, would jump occasionally to hit imaginary blocks.
I respect passion. Watching someone do what they're made to do, with a fire in their hearts is a great thing to witness. But when they're passionate about hitting a level 70 with their Paladin on World of Warcraft, and their ashen and bloated bodies are screaming for a few sprigs of lettuce and a jog around the block, I begin to wonder if their passion is misplaced. I was walking behind two guys and a girl, who were in the midst of a heated conversation about a dungeon raid in World of Warcraft. The two guys almost came to blows, and had their weak ankles not come into play, I'd assume we'd have to guys who'd need to sit out tonight's journey into Razorfen Downs.
I find all of this troubling. Not so much for the people involved, but those not involved. Soon, the human race will splinter off into two groups. Those gamers who become allergic to light and develop an underground Morlockian civilization, and us of the Eloi above ground, happily celebrating life, though fearful that we'll end up as Morlock food.
Second, what's with the costumes? I remember dressing up like a Ghostbuster for Halloween back in '86, and I also remember ending my costumed trick or treating when I reached Middle School. So why do grown men and women feel the need to dress up like Sonic the Hedgehog, and NOT collect Snickers bars? While waiting in line at the Subway, I stood behind a guy at least 22 year's old dressed up as Mario. Red cap, big white gloves, mustache, this guy spent upwards of $50 of his outfit. What made it worse is he carried a giant stuffed mushroom and, while walking, would jump occasionally to hit imaginary blocks. I respect passion. Watching someone do what they're made to do, with a fire in their hearts is a great thing to witness. But when they're passionate about hitting a level 70 with their Paladin on World of Warcraft, and their ashen and bloated bodies are screaming for a few sprigs of lettuce and a jog around the block, I begin to wonder if their passion is misplaced. I was walking behind two guys and a girl, who were in the midst of a heated conversation about a dungeon raid in World of Warcraft. The two guys almost came to blows, and had their weak ankles not come into play, I'd assume we'd have to guys who'd need to sit out tonight's journey into Razorfen Downs. I find all of this troubling. Not so much for the people involved, but those not involved. Soon, the human race will splinter off into two groups. Those gamers who become allergic to light and develop an underground Morlockian civilization, and us of the Eloi above ground, happily celebrating life, though fearful that we'll end up as Morlock food.
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After I killed King Kupa in Mario 3, that was pretty much it for this gamer. Although at times, it's hard to resist Oddworld. Abe is a sweetheart.
Thanks Echowood, you pretty much confirmed what I'd thought about those conferences. I'm also disappointed that they were stinky.
Just so i'm clear..is it okay for a grown man to dress as sonic the hedgehog if i AM collecting snickers bars?
Hypothetically speaking of course...
Pablo... definitely. As long as there is a reward (especially in candy form) you're allowed to dress up as a video game character.
Excellent.
Sweet sweet snickers bars...
Imagine the problem caused if they started giving out a box of candy to all WoW subscribers
Dude, there is nothing more American than making fun of stinky gamers.
Especially World of Warcraft gamers.
Gamers are the lowliest of God's creatures. I think slime mold looks down on them.
the worst ones are the ones who try to verbalize their "leet-speak" ugh...
like gibbering jawas...
If you think PAX is bad, try Yaoicon. Its basically the same thing but with almost everyone in attendance being female (but for the most part not the skanky costume females). The smell is just as awkward. And the tentacle-gloved people actually come molest you.
Please do not let any of my children become a "gamer"..
Please do not let any of my children become a "gamer"..
Please do not let any of my children become a "gamer"..
Please do not let any of my children become a "gamer"..
and one for good measure..
Please do not let any of my children become a "gamer"..
Cindy, I am soooo with you---BUT you need to use reverse psychology. By that, I mean treat it as the ultimate career goal for your kids. Force them to take lessons and practice for 1-2 hours every day. Make family vacations a trip to the conventions. Make their costumes from scratch.
Then they will rebel and NOT become a gamer...and you will have attained your goal.
(unless they are your first born, approval seeker--then use the reverse of the reverse psychology)
Cindy - and what exactly do you think the three boys sitting on our sofa transfixed by DS units are doing, hmmm? Just practising hand/eye co-ordination?
Oh, and thanks, Eddy. Until five minutes ago I didn't even know what Yaio was. Now, thanks to a little surfing, my whole mood is ruined for the evening.
CindylovesScara, if you got more than one kid you should be all set. Probably at most one or two will end up as gamers, the rest can be something more respectable, like bicycle seat sniffers or crackheads.
That's the whole point of having more than one kid.
So, strength in numbers/back-up, not so that they have siblings or have even more joy in your life?
I thought it was so at least one of them could afford to support you in your old age....
SarcOne, cmon now. Law of averages and all. What if you have like 10 kids? You know a couple of them are going to jail or whatever.
well.... most gamers aren't like these jackasses. Most have never been to a convention, do play lots of games but have families, jobs, college and real responsibilities and couldn't afford to spend 10 hours a day on a MMORPG even if they wanted.
E--that's because their parents left them in charge of the other 9 kids....but just the thought of popping out that many kids....ugh.
lowercase e---those people with lives cannot call themselves gamers! There are people who play games and then there are gamers. I am neither, but I can tell you that there is a huge difference...kind of like how someone can drink beer or wine but it doesn't make them an alcoholic.
To me a gamer is someone that goes out to buy a new console (or PC upgrades) as soon as they come out. Plays at the very least 15-20 games to completion a year. Is always looking for info on games online, subscribes to gaming magazines and knows the release dates for upcoming games. (Star Wars: The Force Unleashed came out yesterday and Fallout 3 drops in about a month)
I do all those and still attend college, have 2 small businesses and a son.
It's not the same to be a gamer than to be addicted to video games.
Oh come on. This is like going to a porn convention and pointing out all the perverts.
Okay bad example. But seriously, I'm not a hardcore gamer but the ones I know aren't like these losers at all.
Here's some cool fellas you should check out. There PAX coverage was well done:
http://www.destructoid.com/pax-08-a-recap-of-all-the-amazing-times-from-the-community-101347.phtml
And if you're throwing out your PS3, can I have it?
you can have mine as soon as PS4 comes out
A gamers a gamers a gamer.
There is no such thing as a cool gamer.
If you think there is you are only fooling yourself.
Gaming is like any other hobby. there are people who enjoy it in their spare time in the privacy of their own home while maintaining a regular life and then there are the people you met. The most visible segment of the populace does not always represent the majority.
I hate conventions. The smell is always terrible. The fatbeards in wheelchairs with dragon puppets mounted to their shoulders never fail to traumatize. The worst part is the people who are seeing the opposite sex for the first time.
Cons are bad, gamers can be good.
"...there are people who enjoy it in their spare time in the privacy of their own home while maintaining a regular life and then there are the people you met. The most visible segment of the populace does not always represent the majority."
Wait, we're still talking about gaming, right?
(just kidding Some Geek, but you have to admit, that did sound like an explanation of why people watch midget porn, or snort coke before church, or something equally amazing)
So let me get this straight. Watching Midget porn and snorting coke before church is bad??
Hell no! I snort midgets before church, so who am I to judge?
Killer, CLC...
Going to church, now THAT shit is bad for you.
W0W... I thought i was a "gamer". My shit is weak, WEAK!
These people are the reason i got out of gaming.
Good one etantao.
Very nice site!