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An Open Letter to All Rednecks, Re: John McCain

Dear Rednecks,

Of course you already know the many reasons you shouldn't vote for Barack Obama -- his last name is one letter off from "Osama," his middle name is Hussein, he's an Ay-Rab Muslim, and he wants to take away your guns, which means you'll be unarmed with an Al Qaeda operative in the White House, which you won't even be able to call the "White" House any more because he's, well, you know. (Don't worry, Rednecks, I know you know what I mean, even if the Liberal Jew-Run Media™ won't let me say it outright.)

But did you know that voting for the opponent of Osamabama (and his Baby Mama) won't be all that great for you, your wife/sister, or your 13 kids, either? Before you head to your polling place on Wednesday, November 5, check out these factoids the LJRM™ doesn't want you to know about Senator John McCain. ("Factoids," by the way, are similar to "facts," but less scientific, and therefore more believable. But these are all obviously true anyway, since they're on the Internet.)

jewish_werewolf.jpgFACTOID: The Liberal Jew-Run Media™ actually WANTS you to vote for McCain. It may sound crazy at first, but think about it -- who do you think those money-changers would rather have in office, a crazy Ay-Rab Muslim who wants to give all their money to welfare mothers who drive new Cadillacs, or a white guy with an Old-Testament-y first name, lots of money of his own and old friends in the banking industry? Show 'em up by voting against McCain (or even more badass, filling in all the spaces, like that third time you took the GED test), then sit back and watch them take off their beanies and rub their horns in disbelief as they realize you're way too smart to fall for their dirty double-crossing tricks. Oy vey!

FACTOID: McCain is opposed to pork barrels...and just what do you think pork rinds are made in? (Hmm, no pork...do I sense another reason for his popularity with the LJRM™?)

FACTOID: John McCain was in the Navy. Some homos in the '70s wrote a disco song about being "In the Navy." Just sayin'.


FACTOID: McCain is one of the federal government's biggest supporters of gambling casinos, and loves to gamble alongside his many buddies in the casino industry. Now, you may be thinking, "Rock-n-roll! Let's keep them free Jack-n-Cokes comin', sugartits, I'm hitchin' my trailer to the stars!" But wait. McCain only helps out Injun casinos. (The "Me scalp 'em" kind, not the "dot-head terrorist" kind -- thank God for small favors, huh?) And as we all know, the machines and tables in Injun casinos are programmed with special computer chips made by the ACLU that keep the white man from ever winning. Just do yourself a favor and gamble somewhere that might actually pay off some day, like the lottery or the real estate market.

FACTOID: Hey, wasn't one of the homos in that '70s disco group also...an Injun? Connect the dots, people!

FACTOID: Due to wounds he sustained while staying at the Hanoi Hilton, McCain is physically unable to raise his arms above his head, thereby precluding him from high-fiving you when you shout, "Git 'r done!" on the White House tour.

FACTOID: "Precluding" means "making impossible."

paris_hilton_whitehouse.jpgFACTOID: And speaking of Hiltons, that Paris Hilton: who the fuck does she think she is, anyway? Don't you wish you could be rich and famous just for being rich and famous? What a bitch.

FACTOID: John McCain's wife Cindy owns one of the largest Budweiser distributorships in America, which sounds totally kickass at first...until you remember that Bud got sold to foreigners and is now made of Brazilian monkey piss.

FACTOID: Even though Cindy McCain used to use illegally-written prescriptions to score Percocet and Vicodin, she's totally not cool any more, and definitely will NOT hook you up, no matter how bad you need to come down off your five-day ice binge.

FACTOID: McCain's home state? Queerizona. Just sayin'.

FACTOID: Even though they try their best to keep her away from any family photo ops, the factoid remains that the McCains have a supposedly adopted daughter from "Bangladesh," where the people are even more brown than in Mexico. (Sorry, did I say "supposedly"? I meant "supposably.")

mccain_goth_240.jpgFACTOID: John McCain once tried (but failed) to kill himself -- sorry, hisself...pretty much like that one fruity nephew of yours who went "Goth." You really want some mopey, suicidal Goth freak to have his finger on The Button? Might as well just get up right now and start learning to read backwards like the Russians do.

FACTOID: McCain once sang a song about bombing Iran, which in itself is okay -- hell, we oughta be bombin' any country that starts with an I: Iraq, Iran, Iceland, whatever. But he sang it to the tune of a song by the Beach Boys -- the same band who once appeared on an episode of "Full House" with that gay-wad John Stamos and his big, poufy hair. 'Nuff said.

FACTOID: After McCain got caught and had to give back some of the $112,000 he was given by his banker buddy Chuck Keating, he then got all "Well if I can't hit the jackpot, nobody can" on his fellow Senators and wrote the McCain-Feingold (Feingold? Hmm...) campaign finance reform bill -- kinda like that one asshole who quit smoking last month and now has to lecture you every time you try to enjoy a puff in the break room. What a dick.

FACTOID: McCain wears something called "Ferragamo Loafers," not boots. Is this really the kind of footwear we want our President putting in Al Qaeda's ass?


FACTOID: Despite repeated attempts to obtain full disclosure, McCain still refuses to answer questions about his relative weight in said loafers. Just sayin'.

FACTOID: And hey, "Ferragamo" -- what is that, Mexican? Ay dios mio.

calvin_pee_iraq.jpgFACTOID: McCain's running mate likes to shoot wolves while flying over 'em in an airplane, which does sound totally kickass...but think about it: the windows on Air Force One probably don't open, and even if they did, the odds of you getting invited to the Presidential Mile-High Wolf-Shooting Club are at least, like, 100 to 1, just like the lottery. Save yourself some trouble: just stay home and shoot wolves from the back of your pickup truck on election day instead. Besides, does Air Force One have dangling TruckNutz™, or a hilarious sticker on the back showing Calvin pissin' on something? (Okay, it probably does right now, but you know McCain's just gonna peel it off if elected. What a dick.)

FACTOID: John McCain likes to wear bracelets. Know who else liked to wear bracelets? Liberace. Just sayin'.

FACTOID: Despite everything the media would have you believe, McCain's running mate is actually a woman.

Well, that's about all I had time to research before "Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector" came on TV, but if you've seen, heard, or smelled some other factoids about McCain that might be of use to our Redneck constituency, post 'em below! (Just don't clog the comments up with a bunch of uppity, boring-ass shit like, you know, voting records and such.)

So, Rednecks, on election day, there's really only one choice. Well, four, actually:

1. Check "Barack Hussein Obama" on your ballot as a joke. (Just be sure to say "Psych!" or "Not!" as you hand in your ballot, so they'll know your vote is kidding.)

2. Next to "Write-in Candidate," put a hilarious fake name like "Harry Kuntz" or "I.P. Inyerface." That'll show 'em you know how to bring the "parti" back to partisan politics.

3. If you're too serious-minded to make jokes on election day, I totally respect that, too. Go ahead and write "Dale Earnhardt" then.

4. Save gas, stay home and make yourself another kid. (The amount of gas it takes you to get to the polling place could easily get her in the mood by burning three sweet-ass Confederate flag designs on your neighbor's driveway, as opposed to just one measly vote.) You won't get an "I Voted" sticker, but at least you'll still get to wear your "I Farted" t-shirt, and probably your tube socks. (Besides, last time you tried to make a kid in the voting place, the old bitch checking IDs shot you down anyway.)

Thank you for reading all the way down to the end of this letter. Or at least the words in bold. Or the pictures, anyway.


*(I mean that in the "let's go shoot some squirrels together" way, not the faggy way.)

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What a load of venomous tripe.

said ron on September 29, 2008 4:53 PM.

There are rednecks for Obama already. I saw em around in Denver at the DNC.

Anyway, I was laying in bid w/ma sister the other day and we knowd what yir saying.

said E on September 29, 2008 5:49 PM.

John McCain is actually a mummy and can be summoned by repeating the phraze 'Im Ho Tep' over an over.

I could be wrong but I somfin like that read that on the boards around here so it fer sure gold.

said E on September 29, 2008 6:24 PM.

Absolutely perfect.

Angry that a liberal stole some 'venomous tripe' from the Republicans, Ron? I know Repubs are the ones who usually utilize such tactics, but occasionally, we can be mean too, although not so mean that we make fun of veterans who wear purple hearts. Also, many of those lines above came straight from right-wing playbooks.

said Sir Michael L. Foley on September 29, 2008 6:36 PM.

Wow, that was fringe -- even for YBNBY.

...and I unsubscribe.

said TheStu on September 29, 2008 7:29 PM.

I think people have lost their sense of humor.....
good thing they are for sale in the YBNBY gift shop....download one today!!!

said sarcastic one on September 29, 2008 8:04 PM.

This restored my faith in this blog....awesome!

said Greg on September 29, 2008 8:28 PM.

Friggin hilarious! I grew up amongst rednecks and can see a lot of them not getting this at all, or even worse, taking it seriously.
What's up with people not having a sense of humor? Maybe they've never met a proper redneck, so they can't laugh? What's the world coming to? :)

said Austin on September 29, 2008 9:24 PM.

Sarcasm is only one of the many services we offer here on ybnby.

Come for the sarcasm, and stay for the bacon and boobies

said Sheriff Pablo on September 29, 2008 10:39 PM.

Yeh, we're taking a real hit on our redneck rss subscriber numbers tonight...

said Scaramouch on September 29, 2008 10:40 PM.

Rednecks are like any other group, they have the ones you have in the videos recently, but you also have Willie Nelson, an early Kucinich supporter.

Just sayin it takes all kinds.

said E on September 29, 2008 11:17 PM.

I get it, and:

Fuck you, yankee.

said bobaloo on September 30, 2008 12:00 AM.

This is so awesome - I almost wet myself laughing! Well done.

said Iris on September 30, 2008 1:13 AM.

Speaking of rednecks...


said kbk on September 30, 2008 5:30 AM.


said DJH on September 30, 2008 8:53 AM.

FACTOID: When John McCain saw Jane Fonda in Hanoi, he couldn't decide whether to tap that or do her hair. Jus' sayin'.

FACTOID: John McCain drives a Cadillac, Barack Obama drives a Ford Escape. Which one of them is black again?

FACTOID: While John McCain is best known for crashing his plane 5 times and being a POW, Barack Obama single-handedly killed a Panther at the age of 7. Obama f**ks bears for fun.

said LostInDaJungle on September 30, 2008 10:04 AM.

Factoid: John McCain once lived in a Communist country for FIVE AND A HALF YEARS! Do you trust a commie? I don't.

Factoid: John McCain was born in Panama, which means he was probably used as a drug mule for the first half of his life. He probably still has baggies of black tar heroin trapped in the folds of his intestines. They may burst at any time, people! Don't vote for heroin!

said HemlockEcho on September 30, 2008 4:57 PM.
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