The gaming world is excitedly bracing for a major paradigm shift with next month's release of Spore, the latest brainchild of SimCity mastermind Will Wright. Perhaps the most highly anticipated video game of all time -- it was first mentioned publicly at the Game Developers Conference in 2005 -- Spore will allow players to control the evolution of an entire simulated species, from single cells swimming in cosmic soup, all the way to interstellar-travelling super-beings.
Featuring painstakingly crafted AI and a beyond-accessible user interface, the game promises to be not just fun for traditional Sim enthusiasts, but also a potentially fascinating angle for examining such varied subjects as biology, cosmology, zoology, evolution, cultural anthropology, space travel, and more.
After several release-date delays, Electronic Arts finally wet the public's whistle somewhat with the June release of the Spore Creature Creator. While lacking most of the evolutionary and interactive features of the full game, the Creature Creator nonetheless gave millions of fans plenty to work with in the mean time. Users could play God and create whatever creatures they wanted, even uploading their demo videos to YouTube with a built-in widget. Players were limited only by their imaginations.
So, of course, the first creature everybody made was a giant dick-and-balls.
Here are 10 of the most entertaining.
10. Cockasuarus
Looking like a cross between a pipe cleaner and the asteroid-dwelling worm that tried to eat the Millenium Falcon, this creature's prickly appendage all but ensures it will never be welcomed by anything resembling a "Vulvasuarus." (Much like its creator.)
9. Flying Penetrating Penis Monster
What's better than having one giant cock? Why, having two giant cocks, of course! (Note to this creature's creator: yes, this means you're gay, in case you were still wondering.)
I'm compelled to call "false advertising" on the "flying" part, though, not to mention my confusion as to what, exactly, this Penis Monster is "penetrating" (besides the dark, Cheeto-scented recesses of its creator's spank bank, that is.)
Equally perplexing are the testicles -- do they comprise the creature's body itself and the two cocks "share a pair," or are those four spiky spheres actually supposed to be the huevos peligrosos? (Hey, they could just as easily be Medieval weapon-themed piercings, from where I'm sitting.) So many questions...
8. (Just Plain) Penis Monster
Oh yeah, if I squint and tilt my head the right way, I guess I do kinda see a twig and berries dangling there. This one takes the daring artistic leap of creating genitals that actually seem relatively in proportion with the rest of the creature. Which means it was probably made by a chick.
7. "Dick Cheyney"
Much like the politician after whom it's named, this Dick appears angry, bloated and self-absorbed. [Insert "shooting-friend-in-the-face" joke of your choice here.]
6. Spore goatse
Almost as disturbing as the real Goatse, this one combines the literal and figurative meanings of the term "brown eye" into a single, nightmarish image that would make Hieronymous Bosch cry for his mommy. Good luck sleeping and/or pooping tonight!
5. The One-Eyed Monster
Usually creatures blessed with huge genitals don't have to try all that hard (see: James Woods, Milton Berle, myself), but I can appreciate this elephantinely-endowed monster's indefatigable eagerness to please -- note the charming "Ta-daa!" flourish at the very end. (Bonus points as well, for executing that back flip without getting a concussion.)
Don't worry, One-Eyed Monster -- we like you. We really, really like you.
4. (Yet another) Penis monster
I like how this one's phallus seems to be leading it around like a divining rod (heh heh, "rod"), with the rest of the wide-eyed monster following blithely along. Once again, art imitates life.
3. Phallus creature dancing
Another novel approach -- this time laboring under the controversial assumption that sometimes penises are actually flaccid. Extra style points for the nice tuft of pubes crowning the top, which one would assume could be worn in a variety of the latest styles. This creature really should take a break from the dancing once in a while, though, or risk a very awkward visit to the urologist.
2. Penis Creature
This winged, purplish dragon-thingie gets extra points for realism. Yes, realism -- unlike 99% of the Spore Cockmonsters out there, this one actually sports the other appendage required by their real-life counterparts for a romantic evening: a hand to reach it.
1. Hoofcock
Another one that gets points for realism -- this time for the tragic physics that would necessarily be par for the course if you actually were a giant schlong with legs.
Note the pathetic blinking of the single, tiny, urethral eye, yearning fruitlessly for the stereoscopic vision required to discern the depth-of-field of your average centerfold pic, which sadly, is but a two-dimensional abstraction to this poor creature. To witness the Herculean effort -- not to mention what must be crippling back pain -- involved in keeping that head aloft is nothing less than heartbreaking. And what the fuck are those hooves good for anyway, besides clomping loudly enough to give potential dates a head start on escaping?
Willie Loman's got nothing on this poor dick.
Bonus Monster: Vagiant
Despite looking like the unholy hybrid of a baboon, a catcher's mitt, and a shiitake mushroom, this is the creature all the Cockmonsters in Sporeville wanna "get with."
Wait, are those teeth? On second thought, let's just be friends.
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Ah man it's just a penis kinda day here at YBNBY. I wonder if Echo, Johnny and Miss C have trouser-snake related posts to share with us today.
Great post. Funny stuff.
Thanks, man. Yeah, I was kinda wondering the same thing when I saw your excellent phallocentric post today as well. Must be something in the air. And by "air" I mean "pants."
Is this Will Wright was going for when he came up with the idea? I didn't know there was such a big market for penis monster themed video games.
I better come up with a phallic related post. Stat!
I'm falling behind here.
JW
careful Rev. you don't want to fall too much around these monsters, if you know what i mean.
I've played a bit with The Sims and Sim City and they are ok but this one just doesn't appeal to me.
VERY entertaining! Nothing funnier than getting back to comedy's roots with dick jokes, LOL.
Thanks, fubar.
E, I think this game was called "SimPenis" before Joe Lieberman caught wind of it. Luckily all these First Amendment freedom fighters took a stand and flexed their virtual tubesteaks in the face of adversity anyway.
I heard a rumor, started by myself, that implied that the intelligent design wackos want the game in classrooms to teach the "science" in their cockamamie ideas.
I believe you may be thinking of the game "Rib," etantao. The creatures in Spore actually evolve, which we all know is impossible because, ya know, my great-grandpa weren't no goddamn monkey, Jesus rode a brontosaurus, and the earth is only 6,000 years old.
P.S.: Heh heh, "cockamamie."