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The Many (Scary) Faces of Amy Winehouse

amy_betterdays.jpg
Above: one of eight not-scary photos of Amy Winehouse known to exist

There's no doubt that Amy Winehouse is a powerhouse of musical talent.

And I'm not here to judge her extracurricular activities -- who among us hasn't had a wee nip of the sauce now and then? Or a tiny bump or two of the booger-sugar? Or the occasional 4-day weekend spent shakily holding a flame under a broken lightbulb?

I'm not even going to stoop to calling her ugly, even though she's been compared to a mesmerized chicken and a monkey pig in the comments of this very blog. In fact, I thought she was pretty damn sexy when I first saw her, in the video for You Know I'm No Good. She certainly wasn't what you'd call classically beautiful -- I'm sure those hair and makeup artists didn't come cheap -- and a large part of her sex appeal was that throaty, soulful voice. Still, apparently she could be made very photographable, to say the least, (see above) without slaughtering a goat in the name of Beelzebub.

Sure, Allure magazine is probably not going to offer Ms. Winehouse the position of Health & Beauty editor any time soon, but hey, plenty of supermodels have their bad days, too, when they're off the runway, picking up cigarettes and Diet Coke in their baby food-stained sweats. It's just that the paparazzi don't seem to publish those images -- or the less-than-perfect images of any other person on the planet, really -- with the frequency or enthusiasm of bad Amy Winehouse pics.

It's kind of a chicken/egg thing really -- were there always these sorts of bedheaded, makeup-smeared mornings (okay, late afternoons, probably) occurring before she was famous, and it's just that they weren't documented by swarms of omnipresent paparazzi trying to one-up each other? Or is Amy Winehouse truly getting more and more scary looking?

But whatever. Let the hand-wringing pseudo-psychologists who fart out celebrity gossip show sound bites figure that shit out. All theories of causation aside, the fact remains, for whatever reason: there are a hell of a lot of scary-as-fuck photos of Amy Winehouse out there. Here are some of the scariest -- brace yourself.

Cryptkeeper Amy:

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Bubbateeth Amy:

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Fuck-You-I-AM-Wearing-Deodorant Amy:

amy_armpit.jpg

If-You-Think-This-Is-Bad-You-Should-See-The-Other-Guy Amy:

amy_beatup.gif

Amy Goes Bananas:

amy_goes_bananas.jpg

Nut-Scratchin' Amy:

amy_nutscratch.jpg

Hey-This-Is-An-Airport-Not-The-Goddamn-YMCA Amy:

amy_hairport.jpg

Muggin' Evil Twin Amy:

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McAutograph Amy:

amy_mcautograph1.jpg

Hypnotized Amy:

amy_hypnotized.jpg
(Okay, so maybe that "mesmerized chicken" crack wasn't too far off base, ConservaLiberCrat_08.)

Meta-Amy:

amy_self-reflexive.jpg

VCR* Amy:

amy_vcr.jpg
*Visible coke residue
(Okay, so Amy doesn't look that terrible here -- the really scary thing about this pic is the realization that it's actually someone's job to patrol Amy Winehouse's nostrils.)

Smelt-It-Dealt-It Amy:

amy_whofarted.jpg

Straight-Up-With-A-Baby-Chaser Amy:

amy_baby-drinking.jpg

West-Side-Story-Drag-Queen-On-The-Rampage Amy:

amy-winehouse-tearthumb.jpg

Actual-Drag-Queen Amy:

amy_notreally.jpg
(A palate-cleanser, if you will. Deep breath, aaaand...let's continue.)

Keith-Richards-Feels-Pretty-Good-About-Himself-Today Amy:

amy_keithrichards.jpg

Are-My-Nips-As-Big-As-My-Meth-Zits Amy:

amy_methface_titty.jpg

Hotdog Head & Amy:

amy_hotdoghead.jpg

Snotmonkey Amy:

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Cracklin' Amy:

amy_crackhead.jpg

Holy-Jeebus-Please-Tell-Me-That's-Photoshopped Amy:

amy_photoshopped.jpg

Lovechild-Of-Alexis-Arquette-And-Ani-DiFranco Amy:

amy_alexisarquette.jpg

Having-A-Blonde-Moment Amy:

amy_blonde.jpg

Stinkfoot Amy:

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411-Doesn't-Have-The-Dealer's-Number Amy:

amy_shocked.jpg

See? Told ya there was a shitload. I guess the tabloids won't need to commission any more then, huh?

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13 Comments

I'm a fan really. She could use a nice, refreshing vacation. One of those places that specializes in the stressed out. (Hell, I'll go with.)

said E on August 14, 2008 11:35 PM.

Thanks Jeem, now I'm going to have nightmares.

said Baierman on August 15, 2008 12:09 AM.

Now, I'm not saying she was beat with the ugly stick, but she did cut down a few trees in the ugly forest, built a lovely log cabin (wood furnished, of course), forgot to install lights, and ran into every wall and obstacle within.

said Your mom's new boyfriend on August 15, 2008 3:12 AM.

E - She looks like she could use a nice, refreshing SHOWER. Or a nice, refreshing DENTIST (meth-mouth isn't a good look - trust me on this one Amy). Honestly, the best picture was the drag queen - that wasn't even her!

Jeem - great collection!! And thank you. I'm going to post these pictures up around the house as punishment if my son doesn't do his chores.

(Didn't take out the trash? Okay, that's a photo Jihad on you! Surprise!! It's "Cryptkeeper Amy"... taped to your bathroom mirror! Oh, and good morning son.)
...Like Dave, I'm tough - but I'm fair.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 8:44 AM.

So. They had the Bigfoot press conference already?

said Don't Swayze Bro on August 15, 2008 9:06 AM.

Hahah... Good one CLC_08... I was wondering how were the cell mates of Amy's boyfriend using the photos he sold them. Now I know.

A cell with her picture on the wall is scientifically assured to be free of cockroaches, mouses, and all the plagues.
Plus, you can torture your enemies to death, or even to a permanent mental disorder forcing them to stare at her pictures.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 9:15 AM.

Leonardo - let's up the ante... hang them up in cells as a standard part of the prison experience. This should deter crime a bit... well... unless you're John Edwards - then that's a little different.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 9:24 AM.

I would.

said Dave on August 15, 2008 9:55 AM.

Thanks for the feedback, gang. Hopefully nobody burped their McMuffins back up this morning because of me. But hey, if it helps keep America's youth in line, I guess it was worth it.

said Jeem on August 15, 2008 10:33 AM.

I would sign a confessional declaration:

"I am Osama Bin Laden, and I killed JFK, started both the World Wars, and whatelse you might want to blame me in. But please, take this picture off of my sight."

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 10:41 AM.

Jeem, your last 'McMuffin' comment just gave me an idea. An Amy pic should be included with every fast food purchase. It may have prevented the 'lard-ass debacle' that Fattie McFatster confessed over on the other blog.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 10:51 AM.

She's like Cleopatra. A thousand moods, a thousand Amy's. You go girl!

said E on August 17, 2008 10:37 PM.

I feel bad for her. She's Britons Brittany Spears on better drugs.

said Jeni Gump on August 20, 2008 12:25 PM.
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