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Let's Make Gymnastics More Awesomer Than Ever
Gymnast Foot Hood.jpgI'm not a scientist, but I suspect many of you are like me and only watch gymnastics every four years. It really isn't a sport that can put butts in the seats unless it's on the world stage. The only other way to get excited to watch gymnastics is you know one of the competitors. (Like my friend Holly who was on the team in college. Yowza. Ring-a-ding-ding...) During the Summer Games, however, I'll watch those little pixies battle it out on the padded mats for hours.

While I do enjoy gymnastics during the Olympics, I propose some radical changes to make the sport more palatable to the common man.

Such as;

When the gymnasts finish their routine or event, they get a sort-of-hug from their teammates. It's not really a hug. The girls stand about 2 ½ feet apart, lean to a 45 degree angle, and gently place one arm across the other girl's shoulders. Sometimes I don't even think they touch. It's odd. And a stranger practice than the female volleyball players giving five to each other after every point ... even it's for the other team. Ashley took a Voit to the chops? High five! The gymnasts should be more enthusiastic after a routine. Let their teammates know they care. How about a good smack on the rear end? Seems more sincere than the teepee half-hug. That way the girls really know they aced a balance beam routine.

I say event officials bring in some common warehouse objects and set them up as makeshift apparatus'. The competitors aren't shown what they will be beforehand. Then they get to the arena and have to figure out a routine on a rusty pipe, giant cable spools and a couple a' sawhorses. Like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. It's bound to add some showmanship. And tetanus.

(SIDENOTE: Watch the Kevin Bacon warehouse dance scene again. It may be the most unintentionally funny moment in film history. It's so good. Ren McCormack speeds his VW Bug into the warehouse - which apparently is closed to workers but still open to the public just in case an angry teenager needs to assuage his pent up aggression - slams a cassette into the stereo, goes through these pained, agonizing motions, I can't take it here. I feel so stifled. Damn that Pastor from the 3rd Rock From the Sun ... I ... have ... to ... DANCE! Then he just lets it rip. That sequence would get laughed out of the theater today. No way it happens. I don't remember, was Ren's Olympic level gymnastic skills mentioned in other parts of Footloose? Or was it a non sequitur in the rocky33.jpgwarehouse boogaloo? He should have had a spot in the '84 men's gymnastic squad. Also, what was the most homoerotic scene in 80's movies? Ren teaching Chris Penn to dance on Footloose? The volleyball match in Top Gun? Or, Rocky and Apollo Creed splashing in the surf during the training montage from Rocky III? Chew on that for a while.)





Okey dokey, back to the column and gymnasts' rear ends...

It's acceptable that I look at their little bums right? It's damn near impossible not to. I'll try to look away, but no promises. There was a comedian years ago - I think it was Seinfeld but for the life of me I can't find the quote or remember who to properly attribute the joke I'm stealing - suggest that companies purchase the gymnasts bums for advertising space. It's a fantastic idea. That's some valuable real estate. The gymnast heiny is way more focused on than the hood of a stock car. You slap a Gap logo on a butt cheek, you're selling more blue jeans by morning. What about a Quizno's ad or a booty billboard for Tropic Thunder? It's a potential gold mine.

Let's have a little trash talk out there. Everyone is so serious. Why not let the girls yell a little smack at the Romanian as she's about to do the uneven parallel bars? Ratchet up the tension a bit. Maybe we could factor in extra points for the teams that deliver the best zingers. "You weigh over 90 pounds!" "Your countries currency is losing strength against the Euro!" Ooh, no comeback for that. "You suck Svetlana! You couldn't dismount a horse!"

For comedy sake, every gymnast interviewed should be dubbed by Kerri Strug. The events aren't shown live anyway. Kerri should have time to dub the answers in their entirety and we laugh. That's a win-win.

Dodgeball.jpg And finally, combine the floor exercise with dodgeball. Here's how it works; When the competitor is ready to perform her routine, four opposing national teams are stationed on each side of the mat. In a bunker. All the girls are armed with a rubber ball. The music starts, the gymnast tumbles, the balls start flying and we hold onto our sides. Now that's athletic drama. You try to complete a double-back with a half-twist and stick the landing when you might get a four-square ball to the temple. Danger! Who wouldn't tune in for that?

Now don't feel bad if the Czech girl gets smacked in the schnoz with a dodgeball and goes flying off the mat. ("Yard sale!") Don't worry.

She still gets one those weird hugs.



mary-lou-retton.jpg



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26 Comments

Bro,
There is a reason for the minimal contact between womens Gymnastys.
Next time you get a backstage pass to the Olympics get close to the womens Gymnastys. The smell is absolutely horrible.
From what I understand Womens gymnastics in general have carried a longstanding tradition of not washing their tights and uniforms. Not just the American's women but all in general.
It is a hideous smell, but if you want a really bad smell take a trip over to the Ukranian team.
It's damn horrible.
Just a little insight for the readers.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 8:53 AM.

Dave. I never knew. So you mean to tell me that Mary Lou smelled like cheese tamales??

Reverend - for hygene's sake, there should be a 'funk factor' to this change. Your score drops if a chick's box smells like a can of sour cream pringles.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 9:12 AM.

I didn't want to go there with Mary Lou. In fact that would just be un-American.
But yes.
Mary Lou. Smelled like a Mexican lunch box.
Remember, it was all in the name of tradition.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 9:18 AM.

I disagree. It's un-American for lady parts to smell like a cornbeef sandwich. I didn't want to go there with Mary Lou either. I actually died a little bit inside when I pondered in greater detail. If it was all in the name of tradition, I say start a new one. Wash your damn uniforms! Expecially spandex (and the likes). That stuff holds funk like primer to the first coat of paint. No wonder all of those judges look stoic when they're flopping their funky asses all over the place. I'm sorry. There's just no excuse for funk.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 9:31 AM.

Sour cream pringles and cornbeef sandwich from a Mexican lunch box. Strangely, I'm hungry.

Then again, it might just be the subject matter. Ohhhhh!

said Tim on August 11, 2008 10:02 AM.

Another area that I didn't want to address was the smack on the hind end that Johnny suggested. Again, a novice mistake.
I can't imagine the "Echowood Ass Crickets" that would be released into the smog filled atmosphere of the Bejing coluseum as Croatian ladies took the floor for a succesful run.
One slap would release a plaque of crickets throughout the republic of China that would make even the most heinous cases of the bird flu blush.

On another note, Johnny you became dead to me the second you tried to associate the Apollo Creed-Rocky Balboa Race with homoeroticism.
You are sick, and I call you to repentence.
Bastard.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 10:14 AM.

Another area that I didn't want to address was the smack on the hind end that Johnny suggested. Again, a novice mistake.
I can't imagine the "Echowood Ass Crickets" that would be released into the smog filled atmosphere of the Bejing coluseum as Croatian ladies took the floor for a succesful run.
One slap would release a plaque of crickets throughout the republic of China that would make even the most heinous cases of the bird flu blush.

On another note, Johnny you became dead to me the second you tried to associate the Apollo Creed-Rocky Balboa Race with homoeroticism.
You are sick, and I call you to repentence.
Bastard.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 10:15 AM.

Tim - Careful man. Your meal may come with extra cheese that you may not want.

Dave - I'm still voting for you and all, but The Good Reverend is right about Apollo Creed and Rocky. That was a pretty tender moment between two dudes. Granted, their manhood rebounded in the movie - but it took a serious plunge with every splash of water in that one scene. At least their parts didn't smell like an old mouth sore.

Still disgusted by the funk,

CLC08

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 10:24 AM.

I walk a fine line between making pleasing Dave and alienating him. It's a slippery slope.

I will consider a potential "funk factor."

said Johnny Wright on August 11, 2008 10:25 AM.

CLC08-Any thoughts of a filling my VP spot? I need someone to handle major damage control. I also need someone who can keep my emotions in check. I just don't think it will be a good thing for foreign relations when I'm sitting down with Israeli and Palestinian leaders for peace talks and they finally agree on the Rocky Appollo homoerotics and I find myself dropping elbows on them while they are under the conrol of a full mount saying "Hows this for homoerotics bitches?"
It would be a tough job, but you can keep me sensible.

Johnny,
Sorry for calling you a bastard. I'm a little impulsive and shouldn't be calling a man of the cloth such names.
Still friends?

said Dave on August 11, 2008 10:46 AM.

Dave, you're tough ... but you're fair.

No harm done.

said Johnny Wright on August 11, 2008 10:50 AM.

Dave. I accept. I think together, we can really make a difference. For starters - remove the funk from our athletes. Please. It's obviously long overdue, if there is a special congradulatory hug due to the funk factor. It (funk bandits and their evil ways) must end. Run a TRUE "Anti-Smear" campaign, starting with America's crotches and ass cracks!

VIVA-LA-CLEAN-CRACK!

STAND UP AMERICA!!
[insert patriotic music here]

Defend our human right for protection against the toxic exposure that is plaguing our sporting events! If someone violates our sense of smell, you get Dave's elbow!! Do it for our children. Our future.

(My name is ConservaLiberCrat, and I approve this message.)

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 11:04 AM.

Nonpartisan politics at it's finest. Bringing America together one sarcastic quip at a time.

I'm Johnny Wright and I approve this message.

said Johnny Wright on August 11, 2008 11:10 AM.

Right off, I would propose new three new laws:
1. Mandatory drug tests before reception of welfare checks or government aid.
2. A "didn't vote for Dave draft" penalty. Penalizing those under 70 years old for not voting for me by drafting them into the Marines to fight the next war that I would come up with. Formerly France was on top of the list, but in the spirit of the Olympics, I will just laugh as I speak of the spanking that our mens swimming team handed out in the 100 free relay.
3. A "Clean your junk" Law that would require laundering of all Olympic clothing.

Also, I would immediatly install an Octagon Fighting Cage in the Lincoln bedroom.

Together, we will Re-Masculinise America.
I'm Dave, and I approve this message.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 11:35 AM.

Oh come now Dave. Be nice. France knows how to cancel themselves out. No need in wasting energy and hard earned tax dollars on the inevitable. They'll manage to piss someone off and right when they're ready to have their asses handed to them (by a country like Cuba or something) - then you can give them a good lashing.

(you do realize that we're hellbound too, right?)

Moving on to your proposals:

1.) I like.

2.) Needs revision. You're discriminating against people over 70 years old, and it's not right. Send them ALL out to the front line.

3.)Sounds good. You should work on a suitable punishment for anyone still walking around with a faded (and practically see-thru) "1984 Los Angeles Olympics" t-shirts as well. Enough is enough dammit.

4.) Pass "Jesse's Law" for convicted pedophiles (castration).

5.) Road rage should be legal.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 12:35 PM.

CLC08-
I'm thinking you absolutely are the right man for the Job.
I'll leave France alone, We just wont bail them out when they need it.
2. I'll Revise, to only exclude the elderly that lived through the great depression and previous war veterans. They have earned some immunity.
3. We will enact a "stabbing law" that pardons anyone convicted of stabbing someone in a 1984 Olypics t-shirt. We will also alow public stoning of anyone wearing a "Roots" Beret from the 2002 Winter Olympics in SLC. (Damn I hate those.)
4. Jesse's Law. Love it and considered it. Just didn't have the right name for it. You have provided.
5. My road rage law would give immunity to the winner of the fight. We want to promote toughness, not just a couple of dudes hitting each other with purses.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 12:55 PM.

This like the meeting of Smith and Wesson.

said Johnny Wright on August 11, 2008 1:08 PM.

Now this is a platform I can support!

I gotta say, I'm beginning to love the way law #2 is shaping up. I have long believed that if there was some sort of penalty for choosing the wrong presidential candidate, more thought would be spent on the choice.

Just think of the advantages. Shorter lines, more informed voters, fewer Democrats.

There are far too many putzes out there every election day voting just because it's cool. Rock the Vote? Bullshit ... what we need are fewer, more informed voters that stand behind their choice.

Dave and CLC in '08!

said Tim on August 11, 2008 1:47 PM.

Tim, I will be looking for a Secretary of State if you are interested.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 2:23 PM.

2.) I like.

3.) I REALLY like. I forgot about those Berets. We should be able to use battery acid on those offenders.

4.) Glad you like. Looking forward to that law. Rusty and dull hedge cutters are mandatory. No meds to ease the pain either.

5.) VERY nice. Let's set up some type of public arena where there's a face-off with all of the winners. Charge 50 bucks per person. The money would go to a different charity. Each fighter would fight until the mortal end. I'm really pushing for that one. It's for a good cause.

6) The death penalty - murderers should die the same way they killed their victim(s). Tough but fair. Your thoughts?

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 3:08 PM.

I like the idea of Murderers getting death by the means by which they inflicted death.
If a person is charged with multiple counts, we try our best to revive them after we have killed them, only to kill them again and again until thier debt has been paid by society. That may cost taxpayers a little but we could put the event on PayPerView, earn it back and put it towards the National debt.
If a person is charged with Murder/Rape, We take care of the Rape Charges first by lubing them up, rubbing 'donkey in heat powder' on them, and leaving them in a cage with a couple of Tijuanna Donkey Show donkeys. We wont put that on pay per view, however victims families would be able to watch if so inclined. Then we would carry on with the death penalties.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 4:11 PM.

wow... Aren't you proud of us Rev? We started with a gymnastics blog, and ended up with rapists and Tijuana Donkeys that should abuse them. God Bless.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 4:24 PM.

I have sat back and marveled over what has happened. Very proud of the proceedings.

I thought the debate would be about the homoerotic scenes in 80's movies. What do I know?

Carry on,

Reverend Wright

said Johnny Wright on August 11, 2008 4:35 PM.

Dave - you can put the rapist and the donkey in the octagon fighting cage in the Lincoln bedroom.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 11, 2008 4:47 PM.

No, I will draw the line at allowing any sort of sexual predator in my Lincoln bedroom octagon.
I will only allow strictly heterosexual fighters in my Lincoln bedroom ultimate fighting.
I wouldn't want the good reverend accusing any of the Lincoln bedroom activities of being "Homoerotic".
Which leads us to another question: Are we for Gay Marriages in my presidency?
Nope.

said Dave on August 11, 2008 5:06 PM.

When I'm president if I deem something douchebagery the douche responsible will be shot.

said Jeni Gump on August 19, 2008 1:38 PM.
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