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Greatest. Olympian. Ever.
118 Comments
michael-phelps_788329c.jpgFrom the Sports Desk...

Swimming juggernaut Michael Phelps continues to astound. Last night he added two more gold medals to his coffer, winning the 200-meter butterfly -- despite a goggle malfunction -- and assisting in the 800-free relay.

Phelps stands alone. 11 gold medals. And counting.

That is more gold than Midas.

Nobody has more gold medals in Olympic history. Even with that staggering achievement, one more thing to think about; Phelps is only 23-years-old. One would wager that he will swim in the 2012 London Games and put the medal record permanently out of reach.

Remarkable.

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118 Comments

That's no way to disagree that Phelps is the greatest Olympic winner. Looks like he was made out to be into the water...
When the last swimmer in the pool hits the border, Phelps is already outside of the pool, dry, with the clothes on and tying his shoe's lace. It's amazing.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 13, 2008 7:06 AM.

That's a great picture!

It's wheatie-worthy.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 7:33 AM.

Phelps is fricken immortal. He handed out the spank last night.
How about the Chinese ladies gymnastics?
Johnny, if you can convince me that the little Chinese girls were all over the required age of 16 and I'll personally fly down to NY to give the staff at YBNBY a lap dance.

said Dave on August 13, 2008 8:05 AM.

Wait a sec Dave. I believe the Age Verification Unit is a little more qualified to make that call. You're out of line. Don't forget you've got a clean campagin to maintain.

The Voice of Reason,

CLC08

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 8:43 AM.

CLC08-Buddy, that's why I keep you around. You are my voice of reason, and my toxic spill clean up team.
I don't think a guy could put a price on a right hand man like yourself.
With the fall of the Soviet Union, the only real military threat that the US has is Red China. We should always remember that.
What are your thought of perhaps a "Luke Warm War" with the Chinese? Ya know just to keep them in check. I don't think that we should escalate it far enough to carry it to Cold war proportions, but our "Luke Warm War" would consist of small special op invasions.
We could send in Navy Seals or Delta Force teams to extract DNA from the women's Gymnastic team. Send the samples to our Age Verification Unit as soon as he is released from prison, and reveal to the world the dastardly deeds of China.
China as we know from this Olympiad is very concearned with how they look to the world. A revelation from the AVU could just be the knee to the groin that we would be looking for.
Perhaps we could even employ that new super hero The Night Condom and his Sidekick the Colorado Laxative to help us in our quest.
What are your thoughts number 1?

said Dave on August 13, 2008 9:12 AM.

I think I like where you're going with this. I would also invite you to consider some luke-warm sanctions, such as taking back the color Red until they get their act together.

The Night Condom and Colorado Laxative could work very nicely. We'd need to come up with something covert in order to infiltrate their regime successfully. I'm thinking we set them up as leaders of a mega-church. Based on the high success rate in the States, it may work out quite nicely in our efforts to gather the masses. It would also prove to be a tax-free source of funding, to be reinvested in Jesse's Law.

Your thoughts?

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 9:47 AM.

I think that we should not only sanction the color red but the color yellow as well. We will stick them hard.
I like the religious nut thing. From what I understand the Night Condom is already an ordained minister, so that should work in our favor. I think that he may require a Caddilac and Jesse Jackson wages, which may conflict with earnings for Jesse's law, but I think we can work things out.
For ease of Typing I think we should coin a phrase for our superhero team. Batman and Robin are the "Dynamic Duo.
I think the Night Condom and the Colorado Laxative could be refered to as the "Dingleberrys of the Dark".
I also think there should be a planned assasin of their mascot "Pussy Two Face". That fricken cat sicks me out and I think he's bad for business.
I hate to get into the dark side of politics but it is there and we have people to cover that kind of crap.
The truthers will have thier theories and that will just confuse everyone else more.


said Dave on August 13, 2008 10:22 AM.

Phelps doesn't do Wheaties. Every morning, for breakfast he empties a box of Chuck Norrises into an industrial-sized wok, and eats it in one bite. No milk.

I may be wrong, but I'm pretty sure he saved Ernest en route to his last world record of the evening, just because he didn't have anything really going on.

said Don't Swayze Bro on August 13, 2008 10:34 AM.

Again, I stand all amazed. You guys are solving the worlds issues two at a time.

The age accusations of the Chinese gymnasts do seem valid. It's hard not to think there has been some tomfoolery/forgery.

Carry on.

JW

said Johnny Wright on August 13, 2008 10:49 AM.

Man Johnny, I cant even rile you up today. I thought a messing with your superhero names with cute nicknames would at least get some sort reaction. You are all business today, wanna talk about it? You ok pal?
Don't make me dive into the Sonics....Or the Buffalo Chips, or whatever the hell they are...

said Dave on August 13, 2008 11:03 AM.

Hold off on the Pussy Two-Face assasination. You don't want to make waves.

...and speaking of waves, we're here to discuss Mike Phelps. I say we recruit him to help develop a new waterboarding technique. The other one caused a really big headache that we don't need.

...and speaking of headaches, he could put all of the gold medals he's won into a tube sock, enabling him to smack the shit out of the insurgents - with said sock.

Double check to see if the codename "Dingleberrys of the Dark" is available. I believe it's still being used by The New Kids on the Block's comeback tour. What about the name "Mullets of the Dark"? Michael Bolton hadn't used it in years, so we should be okay.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 11:08 AM.

Sorry.

DAMMIT DAVE I AM THE NIGHT COBRA, NOT THE "NIGHT CONDOM" YOU PIG! SHOW SOME RESPECT!

There we go. That's better.

said Johnny Wright on August 13, 2008 11:10 AM.

I think he's doing a great job at the olympics..He's really representing for his country and I'm proud of him.


www.NycCelebs.com

said avionne on August 13, 2008 11:10 AM.

Reverend, please accept a sincere apology from our humble campaign. Dave had a long night last night, working on the octagon cage that's going in the Lincoln bedroom. Our gimp - er, ummm our ASSISTANT posted bail just after 1am. The GPS in the AVU SUV is FUBAR, so when it came to directions, he was SOL. Got lost. Long story short, by the time he got there with the materials for Dave, it was almost 3am. Dave is probably running on fumes. It's hard work trying to become president.

Dave. Buddy. Go easy on the good reverend. I'm getting ready to spring for his Rosetta Stone Chinese DVD - and we don't need him all pissed off and losing focus.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 11:26 AM.

Bro,
Somehow compelling you to react just didn't do it for me. I guess I didn't feel any heart in it.
You doing ok princess?
I'm worried about you, the force is giving me bad feelings.
Remember my sad buddy this acronym: BIONIC
Believe It Or Not I Care.

Number 1,
The cat has got to go. And I forgot about the NKOTB comeback, I'll check on that. I'll even pick us up a couple of tickets. Might be a good place to to a little campaining.

said Dave on August 13, 2008 11:28 AM.

I'm thinking the better opportunity for the NKOTB tour is sniper training. We can campaign during the public funerals. Let's work smart, not hard.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 11:34 AM.

Every campaign makes mistakes. I think this is just a blip. No harm done.

Carry on.

said Johnny Wright on August 13, 2008 11:38 AM.

CLC08- It sounds like we will be taking a different approach that Bill Clinton.
He worked 'Hard' not smart.

said Dave on August 13, 2008 11:41 AM.

True indeed Dave. And you see where it got him too. That campaign changed a lot of lives and hurt so many people. Hillary had lost complete control of her "mitch" (man bitch) - in front of God, and the Republicans (that's pretty embarrassing). Monica was publically scrutinized, and humiliated - never working in that town again. Linda Trip was castrated. And Bill became a public drunk, with a nose freakishly growing closer to the likes of W.C. Fields, or Karl Malden.

I'm all for giving 'smart' a shot.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 11:53 AM.

CLC08-
As George W. Say's to his first mate:
You are my Dick.
Johnny-
Wanna be my Colin?

Love,
Your Bush
Dave

said Dave on August 13, 2008 12:06 PM.

I thought Johnny was the "Night Wright."

Obviously, I was mistaken.

said Don't Swayze Bro on August 13, 2008 12:12 PM.

I would be honored.

I shall be Secretary of State and Keymaster of Legends.

Swayze, you rascal...

said Johnny Wright on August 13, 2008 12:24 PM.

DSB-
I'd like to formally invite you to hop on board the Dave Camp.
I need a press secretary and I'd like you to fill the spot.
Your quick wit and style is just what I need. You are the type of person that could burn someones house down and after a few funny lines, the person is thanking you for burning the house down and buying you dinner.
I'm gonna need that.
How about it Swayze?

said Dave on August 13, 2008 12:34 PM.

Johhny, Glad to have you aboard.

said Dave on August 13, 2008 12:39 PM.

As it relates to dealing with the press and the pressures that go with, I think Swayze would make Ari Fleisher look like Jessica Simpson. Good decision Dave.

Reverend - remember to sharpen your smite skills. Your DVD is in the mail, and I've ordered your Cadillac. You should like it. It's a nice shade of Whore's Red, and it's fully loaded.

Dave - don't worry. I sold Cindy McCain the Vicodin we confiscated from Whitney, so the funding didn't come out of our campaign budget.

See? Smart, not hard.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 12:47 PM.

I'm available for the Porn Inspector Job.

said E on August 13, 2008 12:57 PM.

CLC-08-
Excellent work with the whore red caddy.
That was smart, place the focus on the Vicodin for Cindy while no one even questioned the Crack you were saving to bribe congress.


EEEEEEEEE-
I've got a job for you.
Interested ?????????

said Dave on August 13, 2008 12:59 PM.

I'm interested.

said E on August 13, 2008 1:02 PM.

E-Not only will you fill the role of chief Age Verification Porn Specialist, but I'd like you because your infinite wisdom philosophy of life, and the ability to pull some of the bitchenest quotes that I've ever heard out of knowhere, to be my Secretary of Defense.
I am pretty demanding, and would require you to have a pony tail. That would be for both roles that you would be playing.
Why the pony tail for Secretary of Defense you ask?
How would you like to have the shit bombed out of you by some dude with a pony tail only?
That's right. I don't think I need to say any more.
After the bombing you could pull out a sweet quote and make them feel even worse.
E!
E!
E!

said Dave on August 13, 2008 1:09 PM.

I don't know where the "only" came from. Please excuse it.

said Dave on August 13, 2008 1:11 PM.

E - You've got your work cut out for you. Hopefully you'll be able to clear this whole R. Kelly thing up for our wonderful constituents. If convicted (under our proposed laws), then I'm especially looking forward to the Tijuana Donkey Show featuring R.Kelley - not only is he a baby banger, but he's a horrible liar too.

Hey Dave - this is slightly off of the age thing, but THIS verification is definitely needed: We need to determine the true gender of that thing that John Edwards got caught banging. I'm not convinced that she's really a chick. I've just got a bad feeling in my gutt about the whole thing. I think we may have figured out where Michael Bolten has been all these years come to think of it... hmmmmm.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 1:31 PM.

That's a job for the Politico Pussy Posse coordinator. entantao might be a good fit.

said E on August 13, 2008 1:35 PM.

I think Entantao is mad at me, It may be a stretch to recruit him as the triple P.
The nice thing about Being the Triple P, is the job doesn't require citizenship.
Entantao, whattaya say, I'll forgive you for calling me an asshole, if you'll forgive me for being one?
Trrrrriiiiiippppplllleeeee PEEEEEEEEE ENTANTAO!
That just sounds right.
Come on buddy, let's bury the hatchet.
We need you to solve the Edwards Man-love situation.

I'm Kind of wondering if the DSB is on board. I don't think I'll be able to get away with anything without the DSB.

DSB????????????

said Dave on August 13, 2008 2:21 PM.

Off the Record,
A couple of items that have me a little curious, Nothing serious
There are things poppin up that seem to me Mysterious.

How's that for a little Presidential Rap?

Names-If you dare, I'm a little curious to what your first names are?
I know J-Dubs
ClC-o8?
E-?
DSB-?
I've kind of got a funny imagination, and with just first names, (I don't want anyone to give more than that for security reasons.)
I won't refer to them again, just for my curiosity.
Perhaps there is a reason that you didn't want to throw out the real one and I respect that. If you would rather not, don't, no harm no foul.
I would also be interested in why you came up with the screen name that you go by.


said Dave on August 13, 2008 2:51 PM.

Nicole (yes, I'm a chick)

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 13, 2008 3:12 PM.

E. It's short for Ed, which is short for Edward, which is what is says on the birth certificate. It's easy to type. It's the most common letter in the English language. I lack imagination.

I give Don't Swayze Bro the gold medal in the username olympics. He's the Michael Phelps of that. In a heat unto himself.

said E on August 13, 2008 3:15 PM.

CLC-08-That's Awesome! I think at first I thought you were a chick, and for some reason in my imaginary blog world you became a dude. Which is actually pretty cool. You must watch a lot of Terantino movies. That's my only theory as to how I was fooled.
I think I've called you Bro probably 15 times. Sorry Bro. :)

E- For some reason, I actually pictured an Ed. I think you are right about Don't Swayze Bro's Name. That is where the true mystery lies.

said Dave on August 13, 2008 3:29 PM.

My first name is Don't. Short for "Do Not."

said Don't Swayze Bro on August 13, 2008 3:58 PM.

DSB-You've, I mean, You Have me laughing my ass off. You freak. So what the hell? YOu gonna be my Ari or what???

said Dave on August 13, 2008 4:18 PM.

This whole thing is killing me ... Cracking me up.

said Johnny Wright on August 13, 2008 4:26 PM.

I don't even want to know how biggus dickus would answer this.

said E on August 13, 2008 4:49 PM.

E,
Just when the pain from my stomach started settling down from laughing for the last hour, you throw that out.
I've got to find a spot for Big Dickus in my cabinet.
Wait, that sounded fricken wrong....

Number 1-
I'm still worried that DSB won't take the position, what can you do about arranging another whore's red Caddy for a little sign on bonus?
You are the brains in the outfit, I want DSB on board. Perhaps we could hire him some help by putting Big Dickus under him.
That didn't sound right either.
Sorry Guys, Big Dickus is out.


said Dave on August 13, 2008 5:23 PM.

you guys have me crying from laughing so much. i may be too left wing for this but count me in, come on, who wouldn't like to police pussy? i'm on top of the Edwards' tranny thing..... but remember it's etantao, just one "N" real name Ernesto. we are ok Dave, but i reserve the right to call you an asshole on future occasions, you can do the same if needed. also since 1917 all puerto ricans are US citizens.

said etantao on August 13, 2008 7:42 PM.

"i reserve the right to call you an asshole on future occasions,"

That's the funniest part of this so far.

Puerto Rico!!!

JW

said Johnny Wright on August 13, 2008 7:58 PM.

Entantao-
I didn't know you were Puerto Rican! Glad to have you aboard. I think it will be good to have a hard core lefty for the triple P. I mean, who better to head something like that up?
I think it's a good Idea to keep a few a few assholes reserved for me. More than likely you'll have to use a couple of them daily.
Glad were still pals.

Me' gusta tu pinocha de politico grande!

Saeta que voldora
Cruza alajada al azar
Sin adivinarse donde'
templando qe clavara.

YO SOY ES EL PRESEDENTE'
MUCHOS PODER! MUCHOS PODER!

said Dave on August 14, 2008 7:49 AM.

Echowood-
I have the perfect spot for you if you are following this....

said Dave on August 14, 2008 8:00 AM.

I like the way this is coming together Dave. For the first time in my life I'm proud to be an American (I know, I know... that line is probably copywritten now - Michelle's check is in the mail).

Entantao! - Glad to have you on board. The Triple P is officially ...um...official! I'm confident that you'll get this whole tranny thing sorted out in fine fashion.

Dave - Don't rule out Biggus Dickus and his contribution to your cabinet. We still have Homeland Security to cover. I nominate BD, because face it - everybody is scared of a ... nevermind. You see where I'm going with this. Plus, he's probably gonna have the coolest departmental seal/branding out of all of us. THEN, we'll let him go nuts on France (I know you'd like that very much).

DSB - I couldn't find you a Whore's Red Caddy, but I found you a China's Red one. I say you jump on it too. That color won't be available too much longer once the sanctions kick in. It will be a serious collectible. We need someone to handle the media that will represent our team accurately, and I'm thinking you're the only one qualified to hand Sean Hannity his ass, once our campaign starts to gain momentum.


said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 8:07 AM.

Number 1-
I'm thinking about a slight policy change in order to get Echowood on board. Am I allowed policy change, or is that just bad business?

said Dave on August 14, 2008 8:17 AM.

Dave. Dude. President of the United States?? Of course you're allowed to change policies! As President of the United States, you can bully everyone else into agreement. I'm just here to follow your lead, and avoid shooting anyone on my hunting trips.

Relax. No worries. I'm sure you know what's best for this country. Why else would you be running?

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 8:35 AM.

You are right number 1.
I can do what ever I want. I think I'm going to change my gay marriage policy so that I can make Echowood my first lady. I'm not into that kind of kind of thing, but he hasn't given me any "Dave's Challenges" for a while and it is kind of pissing me off.

How about it Echo? Don't make me pull out my charm to win you over.

Sorry Johnny, you are going to have to find a new roomate. Or a new first lady.... Hmmmm.... Don't think I had put two and two together until today....


Just Jokin guys, I know you are both straight as a Rainbow.

said Dave on August 14, 2008 8:55 AM.

Oh BTW Etantao, I was jokin about the extra N on your name.
Just thought I'd let you know so you didn't have to pull an AHole out of the reserve box.


said Dave on August 14, 2008 9:10 AM.

.

said Dave on August 14, 2008 9:41 AM.

Dave, I don't see the problem with making Echo your first lady. No one got all up in arms about Sr. Bush and his marriage to a man, so I don't see where this would be a problem. Besides, Echowood looks a LOT better than Barbara anyway. Let's not call him "first lady" though. He sould be something like "First Mady" (man-lady), or "First Gonad".

My gutt tells me that you'll get your challenge before he goes for the First Gonad gig. Plus, you don't want Larry Craig to get wind of it - jealousy is a very ugly thing. He could get all emotional and try to sabatoge this campaign.

Remember - smart, not hard.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 9:59 AM.

Oh no, We will call him the first lady. I won't budge on that one.
And believe me, it will be completely smart. There will be nothing hard in the Whitehouse with Echo acting as my first lady. Hear me? NOTHING HARD!

I can't seem to razz Echo or Johnny lately so I guess I'll go back to STRAIGHT politics.


said Dave on August 14, 2008 10:17 AM.

as a back up plan, if the first lady thing doesn't pan out hit me up and I'll hook you up with some honey from the PPP archives. there are files from eager staffers and up.

impressive Spanish Dave.... perhaps I'll advice you on that

said etantao on August 14, 2008 10:50 AM.

oh and yeah Phelps is amazing. all he needs now is the green pants and trident to name him Aquaman.

said etantao on August 14, 2008 10:54 AM.

Etantao-Your main directive as Chief PPP correspondent is hooking El Presidente up. Everything else is secondary.
First Lady Echowood is strictly an Emotional bond. There will be absolutely no physical ties. (Sorry Echowood)
I think your Espanol advisement would be greatly appreciated.
Especially when I need to tell other country's to Chupa me juevos.

As for Phelps, Yes a badass. Or as they say in the language of the Gods; Senor Phelp es muy malo coolo?
I guess "Senor Phelps es Chingon!" sounds a little better.

said Dave on August 14, 2008 11:22 AM.

it's really a mix of hooking El Presidente up and investigating others illicit pussy activity. (any collateral pussy i can claim for me)

i think you've been hanging out with the wrong Latinos or at least some that learned Spanish from cheap knock off "The Rosie Stone"

ñ= alt + 164
Ñ= alt +165

Chúpame los guevos

said etantao on August 14, 2008 11:38 AM.

...which reminds me.

Etantao - what can we do about the soccer moms who make a shoddy attempt to speak Spanish?

ex: "Co-mow eh-staw u-stay-days?" [really loud and drawn out like the person listening is retarded]

Dave - can we execute these folks?

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 11:51 AM.

Oh, and Dave - getting a little trim on the side is part of your job description. Hadn't you heard? The only reason our current president isn't caught up in some sex scandal is because no one in their right mind (or not in their right mind) wants to.

You're on Easy Street man. Just make sure you keep a nice set of groupies to pick from (it's always good to alternate). I heard the Obama Girl is looking for some temp work, you should give her a call. If she clears the security check (has hair, all of her teeth and her age is verified via the AVU) - then sign her up!

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 12:06 PM.

that depends on so many things. if there really is a need for them to speak it then I'm OK with that but really try, half assed attempts are pitiful and lack so much (like the other ass cheek) but for the most part these milfs use the language to tell the patio dude to cut the grass and you don't need a master's degree for that.

execution may be a harsh, perhaps a 2 strikes and you are out method should be used. first you get a fine and are given the choice to take some classes or just speak English. if you fail then execution may be a good idea. George Carlin had some great ideas about executions.

said etantao on August 14, 2008 12:07 PM.

I'm talking about the ones that do it to impress their guests at the coctail party, while their husband is in the shed doing coke and banging out the neighbor. They're affiliated with the (evil) PC Insurgents by proxy. To them, it's "insensitive" to not be able to communicate with the help. So in turn, they over-do things to compensate for their shortcomings. It's a false sense of reality, and they should die.

Immediate executions would of course seem harsh in the beginning, but after one or two examples of what will happen to Language Violators, then it wouldn't be anything to worry about.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 12:47 PM.

Dave! It's nice to see you back after all that shit. I missed your sarcastic comments in here.

And I'm glad to see that you're running for President of the USA.

I'd like to ask what are your policies for foreign affairs?

We have plenty of stuff you might need in the future here (I'm foreseeing that you'll be in charge for a lifetime after you jump up in the power).
Amazon Rain Forest can provide you wood, water, exotic food, we have oil too, and we also have paradisiacal beaches and lots of other places you can come and enjoy your vacations.

Maybe having allies in South America can help you spreading your dynasty around the world... we're a huge country with people who can follow orders like lambs if they get the right treat. Or if they're forced, too.

Don't think in a few years presidency... Think big.

And, to get things straight, I'm not bending and submitting my home Country, it's business we're running here.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 14, 2008 1:30 PM.

Dave - should we get Leonardo a Cadillac too?

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 1:38 PM.

Leo-
It's good to be back.
First off, South America is definately part of my agenda. Ive got plans for the oil, the rainforest, and I have plans for you Leo.
How does the title "War Lord" or "Arms Trafficing Specialist" feel?
I love the people of South America, and want them to be blessed with an abundant living.
My foreign policy is simple, if you are with us, we are with you, and will help you any way we can, even if it means annilating your enemys. If both you and your enemy are with us, I will make a fair judgement as to who is right. After determining who is right I will give the option of change. If the option is not taken, more than likely a large fleet of Stealth bombers will infiltrate the night sky only to drop enough nukes to bomb your enemies country back into the stone age.
I know nukes are extreme, but that just how I roll.
As for thinking Big, in a dictatorship level, I think I'll step away from that. I want people to be free, even free from dictatorship. Plus my VP will probably want a shot at it.

Number 1-
A little lesson on foreign dignitaries of our sister country, we don't give Caddilacs, we give them a 15 megaton nuke for their own homeland security.

said Dave on August 14, 2008 3:14 PM.

Since I am the puppet master behind the scenes, I fully expect to have a huge, Scrooge McDuck-style slush fund at my disposal. I need some new guitars.

JW

said Johnny Wright on August 14, 2008 3:21 PM.

Johhny say no more, I've just had my Secretary (I mean) Administrative Assistant overnight you a PRS (Paul Reed Smith) Dragon Series guitar.
I've also pulled a few strings and picked up a Pre-WWII Martin D28 Guitar, It's yours the day of our victory party.
Enjoy my friend, I'll take the lap dance later.

Love Dave

said Dave on August 14, 2008 3:47 PM.

I think War Lord sounds good... And pushes fear into my enemies...

First of all, I wasn't talking about dictatorship, but a government that gives the citizens what they need/want to feel good and happy, but demanding to obey some rules so we can avoid chaos. We can't let it get into anarchy, right?
By 'think big' I meant big in time, goals and the commitment of our folks. I don't want you to become a new Castro, or something like him.

As the Brazilian arm of your government, my first mission will be to try to bring people to me, what will demand a little money in the beginning, but as we say here, money brings more money. So that will not be a problem in a short/medium term.

After having the crowd by my side, I'll run for president in here, change some internal policies to make the people even happier and wanting me to stay in the power for a long time. What will help a lot our alliance.

As the president of the biggest country down here, it won't be hard to convince the neighbor nations to friendly join us in this whole new world order.

If everything goes as I'm planning, there will be no need of a war around here, I think I can handle this peacefully. I'll recruit a team of specialists to help me and I'll submit them to be tested by Number 1's staff to check if they fit.

Actually, just to honor my title of War Lord, I ask the permission to take over Argentina. Just a matter of rivalry. No problem if you say no...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 14, 2008 4:01 PM.

Lesson duly noted. I'll make the proper arrangements to ensure his gift arrives in a timely manner. We've still got a couple in the middle east (from when that "other deal" with the unusually tall fella, didn't go through back in the 1980s)... wink wink. I happen to know for a fact that he's not using them. I'll just get them sent to our buddy - sans Cadillac.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 4:04 PM.

I cannot say how impressed I was with "Pre-WWII Martin D28 Guitar."

Wow.

said Johnny Wright on August 14, 2008 4:08 PM.

Oh! ...and so the Whore's Red Caddy, and the Rosetta Stone meant nothing???

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 14, 2008 4:13 PM.

Leo-
Argentina would be fine. I have heard word from my small team of gorilla fighters that we have captured Christina Fernandes De Kirchner and Julio Cobos. Would you like me to ship them to your garden for a little hard labor?
Number 1-
I know you'll get them back.
J Dub-
I thought that would give you a woody.
She is sitting on my lap as we speak. In fact she just said something about being born in 1937 if that means anything to you. Oh, She wants to get back into her original case with a sicky note on it that says:
To: Johnny Love: El Presidente'

said Dave on August 14, 2008 4:22 PM.

CLC08: oh i see what people you mean, i don't mind execution then, i'm cool with that.

Presidente: if this relationship works with Brazil the pussy posse will get a damn sight better if we export some floozies over.

said etantao on August 14, 2008 5:33 PM.

it should have been
*if we import some floozies over.


there could be a government-religions liaison I'd like to put my name in the hat for that one too. as the resident atheist (or one of more here, i dunno) it would be fun as shit! i too would need a funny hat and a whip.

said etantao on August 14, 2008 5:56 PM.

Etantao,
As the Triple P coordinator you should know that floozies are not what you are to provide. This administration requires a bare minimum of Angelina Jolie-Beyonce' Knowles caliber women, we are not John Edwards
Raise the bar and I'll give you a funny hat and whip.

Jesus love you.

Love,
El Presidente' Dave

said Dave on August 14, 2008 6:23 PM.

come on Dave you cant tell me there aren't some mighty fine ladies down there, believe me i know personally. neither Angelina or Beyonce do it for me but what ever you want.

yeah, praise jebus and all that.

etantao
PPP

said etantao on August 14, 2008 7:08 PM.

If being a fine chica was an Olympic event, Brazil would be kicking some but I'd have to agree. Damn fine....

said E on August 14, 2008 7:23 PM.

grrr. that should read 'kicking some BUTT'.
Makes all the difference.

said E on August 15, 2008 2:09 AM.

Thank you for letting me go over Argentina Mr. President! And if you can send them two to my house I'll be happy... I don't have a garden, but my wife's dog drops loads and loads of shit that need to be cleaned, and that is a good job for them.

As a signal of my appreciation I'm sending you back some of our "butt dancers" so you can have the best lap dance of your entire life. Let's keep it off records so you won't have PR problems.
Of course all of them are in legal age, checked by our AVU office, also, they are ass-crickets free, I demanded it to be checked before they could perform the presidential lap dance. I can post a footage of their gigs if you want to see it first.

Etantao, no doubt we have nice chicks in here. I can arrange you an "Olympic Fine Chicas Team" if you want. Let me know what kind of girl you prefer. We have blonds (fakes and real ones), brunettes, and all the shades of brown skinned girls, thanks to the mixing between the races (White+Indian+Negro) in here and Negro girls. And before someone attacks me, I'm not being racist here, since I'm an Afro-descendant too. Don't misunderstand me please.

Dave, if you don't have plans to the empty space that Argentina will become, I'd like to build a theme park (I'm accepting suggestions for the theme) and use the far far away Patagonia to build a prison, to send the war captives to forced work.

Number 1, let me know if I'm breaking some protocol or behavior code here, I don't want to mess with our future global government.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 7:28 AM.

Leonardo: that's of you part. for starters i can give you the name and address of the one i want back here. in the meanwhile beijos for you and you first lady.

said etantao on August 15, 2008 7:55 AM.

Thanks for the beijos Etantao. And all you need to do is name this one girl you want first, and she'll be on her way to you totally checked (AVU, ass-crickets etc). We have standards here. ;)

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 8:04 AM.

The Beyonce', Jolie, example were just examples. I am quite sure that there are fine women in South America, in fact probably some of the finest. This adminisitration does not have any problems as long as we keep it high class.

As for the Argentinian Theme Park, Why don't we keep it simple and call it "Whos your Daddy." Just for people to always know who their daddy really its.

As for mis-understanding your racial views, you do not have to worry about that in this presidency. We are not so caught up on trying to be PC that we forget about just being good people. We show respect and if we feel disrespected, I will have a Octagon set up in the Lincoln Bedroom where you and the person who felt offended can work things out. After the fight you will both hug and forget what happened.
In this presidency
We are hard to offend and
We forgive easily.

said Dave on August 15, 2008 8:07 AM.

Leonardo - So far, no broken rules. Of course everything must be cleared by Dave (who has yet to return a final decision on the Language Violator executions), and (if needed) blessed by The Good Reverend JW. I'm really impressed at how you're willing to assemble top-of-the-line "entertainers" for members of our team. It demonstrates your willingness to go above and beyond, for the sake of someone else's happiness, and it shows off your damn fine team-building skills. Damn fine!

Etantao - I agree with your Beyonce comment. She looks like she's one corndog away from not being able to tie her shoes. In Jesus' name, Amen.


said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 8:34 AM.

Okay... I'll call my engineers team to start working on the theme park while my army is up in the front cleaning the area.

Damn good policy about offending. We're not cry babies anymore, lets get into the Octagon, have all put in clean plates and after the match we have a beer or two. That's it!

"We are not so caught up on trying to be PC that we forget about just being good people." - Wise words, Dave. I've dropped a tear. I hate having to measure my words every time I have to address to fat people, handicapped, gay people, midgets or what else. We're all the same, dammit. Although with different colors, sizes, ideas... But we're all in the same race.

We might have a rule against sissy people who gets offended so easily that they want to sue you for nothing. For these cases we can have a special session on the Octagon: 2 get in - 1 gets out. If the offended people is the one to get out he/she gains the right to sue, but we can provide tough guys to be our part on the fight.
What do you think?

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 8:37 AM.

Thanks Number 1, I'm just trying to be a good member of the team. You know, as a team we might support each other.

Talking about Language Violations, if Dave decides to have this law, I'd like to have the Argentinians speaking Portuguese as first language and having fluency in English too.

Tell me what can I do for you too, since I'm sending the lap dance girls to Dave and the girl that Etantao will choose, can I send you some goodies too? Ask me.

Only adding up on the Beyonce subject, I saw once one picture of her the way it was printed in a magazine and the way it was before photoshop surgery. The computer guys had a hard time making her hot!

Uh, and how do you prefer to be addressed, by your name or the 'Number 1' title?

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 8:49 AM.

Leonardo - 'Number 1' is something that Dave gave me, and it seems as if it's catching on. I have no problem with either. CLC may be easier to type, so it's really up to you.

Gifts? Hmmmm... we may be able to work something out. Can you arrange to have Jesse Jackson kidnaped by some sort of militia? I'd like him to just disappear. In fact, I'll draw up a list and send it your way. It will be called "The People the World Can Do Without List".

Gosh - it's wonderful when everyone comes together as a team.

Kum-ba-ya everyone... I too, just dropped a tear , and my lighter is in the air.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 9:13 AM.

CLC, I can fix the JJ issue.

Have you heard about Rocinha? It's a huge, gigantic slum. We don't even need to keep him captive, just leave him on the top of the Rocinha hills. If he manage to find his way out of that maze of shacks, without being shot by either the cops or the traffic militia, we'll have guys waiting for him outside just to bring him back up again... Have you heard that the Hell is based on the repetition? He will have his hell on earth, I assure you.

Send me the list. We have plenty of slums to play this maze game. Plus, this can be a training place for our enforcement. They can play live action Counter Strike game.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 9:29 AM.

Am I out of the loop on Beyonce? I mean to be honest, I haven't watched MTV for a couple of years, except to watch a few re-runs of Jackass while I'm channel surfing. Has Beyonce gotten Fat? I knew she had FP but man maybe I am out of the loop on that one.
I am open to suggestion for my whitehouse intern, a little criteria to follow:
1. Smokin' hot
2. Well spoken and well read
3. Needs a specialized talent
4. Not easily offended
5. Must love hunting.
6. Must love fighting.
7. Must love America
8. Must laugh at my jokes
9. Must be un-touchable to anyone but the elite.
10. My first Lady must approve

Language-I am very much for Language preservation in the U.S. If you live in the U.S. I will encourage a fluency in English by giving a 2000.00 tax break to those who speak fluent English. I will also penalise those who don't speak English by adding a "pain in the ass tax" of 1000.00 to those who don't speak English. I know that is hard but It will force people to better themselves.
As for Argentina, I think Portugese is a good language for the people of New Brasil. Yes Argentina will no longer be called Agentina we will call it New Brasil. or are there better suggestions?
I would like to have a hand in designing one of the rollercoasters for the theme park. I am an engineer, and that type of thing would be fun for me. The design would have no safety factor considerations and would probably kill a few people.
Which leads to the lawsuit happy people. I will pass laws against frivilous lawsuits. I like the octagon Fighting Idea and would personally like to be put in the ring for some of the fights. I think a few knockouts would be good PR for the younger male crowd.


said Dave on August 15, 2008 9:41 AM.

Something that I don't understand is the fact that I got more crap for Beyonce than I did for choosing Echowood as my first lady. What the hell?
Priorities team, priorities!

said Dave on August 15, 2008 9:44 AM.

I think New Brasil is fine until we come with another name. They will just hate to be brasilians, and it will make me even hapier.

When I think of rollercoasters I think: bigger, faster, full of loops, dangerous! yaaaahoooooo!!!!

I think we all could take turns on the Octagon some times. Good for PR, shows commitment with our own rules and gives us the chance to beat the shit out of those sissies happy lawsuit people.

Uh... that just came in my mind... Phelps is a guy who born to be under water. He has been addressed as Acquaman up here... What about we stop hiding Atlantis from the rest of the world and give him the title of Prince Phelps Namor from Atlantis and let the underseas security in his hands? Just an idea... Looks like he is the right guy to the job.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 10:12 AM.

Dave - it's not that you got crap for Beyonce, we'd just like to make sure you don't find yourself the butt of any jokes. For the record, she's not fat. She's a slice of pizza away from becoming fat. I was never all that impressed with the 13 pounds of hair either. I just think you could do better, that's all. Nothing but the best for our President! ...(and Beyonce ain't it)

Oh, and thank you for the 'pain in the ass tax'. That should take care of several groups that are notorious offenders (soccer moms, Christian Conservatives, Jesse Jackson [he's guilty of vandalizing the English language], and the chick at the nail shop.

Your list.... hmmmm... this will be a challenge for the person responsible for this task.

1.) That's not too hard. You're okay there.

2.) The odds aren't very good if rule number 1 is non-negotiable. It's possible, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. Hot chicks who are well spoken and well read aren't that easy to come by.

3.) Good rule, and very necessary. Monica Lewensky's specialized talents validate the potential reward for maintaining that criteria. Good one.

4.) Good luck with that one. Make sure she takes a de-sensitivity class. Or just let her hang out with me for a week. I'll clear that right up.

5.) Hmmmm... unless you combine this with rule number 3, that one is gonna be tough too. Most chicks that like to hunt can also pee while standing. As a matter of caution, you may want to reconsider this rule.

6.) (see 5th entry)

7.) Shouldn't be a problem. With all of the Mike Phelps groupies developing, tis the season.

8.) You're funny. That shouldn't be an issue. I'd be more concerned with women who laugh at John McCain's jokes. Immediate execution may be an order. (can you tell I support the death penalty?)

9.) LMAO!! Did your secre ...um Administrative Assistant slip you another rufie this morning?

10.) After deeming she's ass-cricket free, I'm hoping that will motivate your first lady's approval.

All the best,

CLC08

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 10:42 AM.

I know the list is a near impossible, but lets remember the near part.
I'm going to be the fricken President of the United States. If I don't set the standard who will?
I am running this campain on a few major strengths. I can't afford to sacrifice any of them.
If the people see their president who is incredibly good looking, not have the intern to match, the people will wonder what the hell he did.
Iv'e also got to use the looks (with a credibility factor) to get back the fat women that you offended in the south. I mean sure my first lady Echowood will bring a few of them back by the fact that 86.4% of all fat women are attracted to a dude with an OLDSCHOOL Iphone, but I don't think that will be enough.
I guess I probably should get a gift for You and my first lady Echowood. I will decide on your gift, what would you suggest for my sweet Echowood??
Lets think higher that prison striped jammies or a newly updated IPHONE.

On the subject of Ruffies- Last night after work I was terribly dizzy, stopped by the autoparts store and I think the chick at the counter slipped me another one. Last thing I remember was being tailed by three cars on the way back home and driving into a ditch. I have vague memories of two fat chicks, a donkey and some girl with a wooden leg that had a kickstand attached to it, tying my ankles and hands to a merry go round.
I woke up this morning at what I thought was a motel 6 only to find that it was a Motel 2.
My knuckles are bruised my neck hurts and it burns when I pee.
I don't know what the hell happened.
I had some bull pennicillin handy on the ranch so I've been giving myself 30 cc injections every hour. I think I'll be OK.
I may need to hire out my South American Thugs for some security.

El Presidente.

said Dave on August 15, 2008 12:55 PM.

Security is on the way, Dave. I personally recruited the best. Although they don't look like a gargantua mass of muscles, their skills are outstanding.
They grew up in the slums, developed their own fighting tactics (both corporal and with weapons) and I can assure you, they'll beat the shit out of anyone who tries to get through to you with bad intentions.

But about the intern issue, instead of only one girl almost impossible to find matching all the ten requirements, you could hire four or five interns who matches at least six items on your list. You will never get bored, and they'll have a background war to show you who is the best. What enforces the never boring state.
Plus, you could use the Octagon lazy time to watch them practicing their fight skills.

CLC, can you provide a head quarter for the guys I'm sending? They don't need too much, just a place to stay, a gym center, vehicles and a chef who can cook Brasilian food. I'm starting with a team of the 20 best guys I have available.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 1:23 PM.

Dave - The chicks at the autoparts store, I believe those WERE the fat women that I offended in the South. I agree, it's time for the South American Thugs. We can't afford another mishap like that to happen again. What's going to happen when the whole world sees you tied up to a merry-go-round and the "Pucker up France" tattoo on your ass cheek?

As far as a gift for Echowood, give him free In-N-Out cheeseburgers for the duration of your presidency. He could really use a burger. Or two. Maybe three for good measure. You don't want your first lady looking sickly. People will talk. Rumors will fly. Next thing you know, he'll be on the cover of tabloid magazines, riddled with ass-cricket accusations. Food Dave. Get Echowood some food, STAT!

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 1:23 PM.

I'm all over it Leonardo! Trump just bailed Ed McMahon out, so that house is off the market. I'll look into the Wesley Snipes estate. His house will be unoccupied for at least 2.5 years.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 1:30 PM.

Snipe's house sounds fine. They'll be happy to live in a famous artist's former house.

Dave, do you think that 20 guys are enough?

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 1:40 PM.

Gifts-
Echo, as my first lady I would want you to be the belle of the ball and I know you are a pretty boy so I think you would appreciate my gifts.
First I need you to stop by William Fioravanti to give your measurements for your new suit. I believe he is in Manhatttan for your convenience.
Also watch the mail, I know you are a gadget guy so I picked up a modest Patek Philippe watch (model 5002p). If that doesn't get respect from the Donald, nothing will.
Number 1, I've went a little unconventional on your gift and if you don't want it I'll keep it and get you something else. But you strike me as jazz fan so I purchased a Urn that holds the ashes of Tito Puente if you know who that is. That cost me more than Johnny's guitar so enjoy them they bring good luck.
Is there anyone else that I havent picked up a gift for?

Leo-I think 20 guys will do. I wouldn't mind if you recruited a few Brazillians trained in Gracie Jiu Jhitsu. I need someone to train with.

said Dave on August 15, 2008 2:30 PM.

I can send you one of the Gracies if you prefer. I think Royce Gracie is available to go.

Some of the guys I sent you are very skilled on Gracie Jiu-Jitsu, they've learned from Ryan Gracie in the jail. And they mix it with the almost ninja art of stay out of sight. They needed it when they were traf... hmmm, let's say in their former job.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 2:48 PM.

LC-Perfect, If you can get Royce that would be great. I think Rickson Gracie is a badass too, bring him along.
I don't know about the Ninja's.
Make sure they are trained in Tai Jutsu and not NinJitsu.
All BS aside, I fought a dude that was a brown belt in NinJitsu and wasn't that impressed. I'd take a couple of Argentinians soccer players over Ninjitsu fighters.

said Dave on August 15, 2008 3:11 PM.

Why yes, I am a jazz fan, and yes, I know who Tito Puente is. I collect Jazz, as a matter of fact. Your gift is not only amazing, but incredibly impressive. Very nice Mr. President. Very nice.

Since you're not giving Echowood the cheeseburgers, may I have them? It's a weakness of mine. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday.

And since we're in a gift giving mood, I'd like to see the British sitcom Black Books syndicated in the States. American needs more Dylan Moran.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 3:24 PM.

[there was supposed to be an "S" in that last sentence - Americans]

E, you and I are cut from the same cloth buddy. I really hate typos (when they're my own)

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 3:26 PM.

You may want to go easy on the Burgers. With your passionate hate for the Horizontally challenged, it may blow up in your face as you blow up.

I'll syndicate it. Ive got a soft spot for drunken Irish dudes that work at bookstores.

said Dave on August 15, 2008 3:49 PM.

Dave, when I told you about they knowing Ninja arts, is only the part of hiding.
Everyone will think you're walking by yourself, at large, unprotected. Even you will think "where the hell is my security team?".
What people just don't know is that if they get into your 10 feet round private space, they are close, really close to the worse spanking they've ever had. And the sniper team will provide the long range protection, cleaning all potential harms from your way.

As in the Chuck Norris' facts: If you can't see Dave's guards, they can see you. If you can see 'em, make your prayers, may your time on earth has just expired.

Remember, they used to fight the cops in the slums, never being caught and playing shoot the duck with them from their hides.

Ok, I'll se if Rickson can go too.

CLC, maybe you'll need some body guards too, I think, after offending some fat ladies your head might be being requested for the soup. I'm sending you 10 extra guards. As good as the ones I sent to Dave's personal security.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 4:05 PM.

just too much to comment. (good stuff)

I'm at all the cabinet's service.

said etantao on August 15, 2008 4:12 PM.

I'm not scared. They'd have to catch me in order to have my head. Now, perhaps I'm hellbound - but I'm certainly not gonna get caught by a chick that can't tie her shoes... better send some kevlar though. I'm thin, but I'm not bullet-proof.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 15, 2008 4:16 PM.

I'll send you a kevlar vest CLC, though I'm into the 'alternative security' business in here, but I have a vest to send to you.

But I'm sending the protection team too. Just to keep them away.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 15, 2008 5:28 PM.

Well team, I believe that we have made some pretty good progress in solving the worlds problems.
I think I'll call it a week.

Ya'll have a good weekend, I'm goin' fishing.

Love,
Dave


said Dave on August 15, 2008 5:40 PM.

If only the World's leaders could get together in a room and pound out results with the efficiency of you lot.

I still can't believe that this whole exchange happened...

JW

said Johnny Wright on August 15, 2008 6:14 PM.

Mr Aquaman passed Spitz (sp?) a couple of hours ago. now he is by himself on top of everyone else with 14 gold medals plus 2 more that i believe are bronze. just astounding.

also the 40 + years old female swimmer got a silver on 50m freestyle. she already has a gold this year.

said etantao on August 17, 2008 1:42 AM.

Phelps is a little more mature this year. He had a great time in the Olympic Games this year.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 17, 2008 7:16 AM.

"He had a great time in the Olympic Games this year."

i think that's a Olympic sized understatement.

said etantao on August 17, 2008 1:46 PM.

No pun intended.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 17, 2008 8:26 PM.

Wow... You guys had me snorting the whole way through.

You forgot to add fashion police though. Could I be the head of that department?

said Jeni Gump on August 20, 2008 11:23 AM.

Wow... You guys had me snorting the whole way through.

You forgot to add fashion police though. Could I be the head of that department?

said Jeni Gump on August 20, 2008 11:25 AM.

I see no problem on that Jeni.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 20, 2008 12:06 PM.

i believe that for the Fashion Police Czar you need to submit your fashion credentials along with a photo.

said etantao on August 24, 2008 11:53 AM.

etantao, how should I go about it?

said Jeni Gump on August 25, 2008 9:51 PM.

You could send it too anyone high up on the administration like CLC08 who is the second in command or to myself, head of the Politico's Pussy Posse (PPP) If all looks good we can put a good word for you with El Presidente.

look forward to working with you and checking out those pictures.

said etantao on August 26, 2008 12:57 PM.
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