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Dave's Fifth Challenge: Welcome Back Dave Edition
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This is the fifth of a series (click here, here, here and here) in which we ask loyal (then non-loyal, but finally a return to loyalty) YesButNoButYes reader and commenter "Dave" to discuss how he'd handle himself in an awkward situation ... usually involving the fairer sex. Last time, he addressed wedding travel. This time, we ask him what to do when we think we're falling in love with our hairstylist.

I think I'm falling in love with my hairstylist. At times, I wish my hair would grow faster in order for me to get my haircut more regularly. (As in, several times a week.) My hairstylist came into my life when, abruptly, my former stylist moved to Pennsylvania. Looking for answers in an uncertain world, the receptionist directed me toward Kelly*. At first, I was hesitant. Could I trust this woman with my delicate and well-coiffed high and tight? Would she understand the intricacies of my hairstyle?

My worries were quickly forgotten once I discovered that Kelly was hot. Not "hot" as in, she may have a spread in Vogue and she travels to the Dalmatian Coast twice a month. But "hot" like she could probably handle herself in a bar fight with nothing but a pool cue and her wits, having been brought up by an ex-marine.

Kelly lead me to the shampoo chair-thing (what's the actual name of that thing anyway?) and began to massage the shampoo and conditioner into my locks. Slowly. Deliberately. She took care not to let the soap fall into my eyes, and made sure the water temperature was to my liking. She asked where I lived, if I owned pets, and what I planned on doing with the remainder of my Summer. I told her I lived on the Upper West Side, owned a cat, and was about to attend my best friend's wedding. (The actual event, not the movie). Carefully, I avoided telling her about my girlfriend. Though, if she asked, I planned on telling her that my girlfriend was very sick, and after this haircut I had to visit her in the hospital.

On my second visit to Kelly, the flirtations continued. She remembered that I'd gone to my best friend's wedding and asked how my best man speech went. We joked, we laughed, we made gentle fun of each other. I pictured us moving to a vineyard in France. She'd spend her days giving free haircuts to the poor children in our rural farming community, while I'd work on my novel and tend to the wine-making. At night, we'd count the stars, sipping on lattes, her tucked into my arm. Looking down at her, a smile placed comfortably on her face, I'd casually mention that my hair was getting a bit long and could use a trim. We'd walk back to our Chateau (did I mention we lived in a Chateau? Well, we live in a Chateau), and she'd cut my hair ... naked.

Here's the dilemma. I'm not sure I'm really in love with this girl. After all, I have a girlfriend who I'm crazy about (Hi Lindsey, how's Portland?), and aside from cutting hair, I'm not sure what else she does. Also, are these real flirtations or does she talk like this to me because she knows I'm a good tipper? How can I tell if she really digs me? Dave, your advice is sorely needed. My hair is getting long again.

*Names have been changed to protect myself, in case, in the off-chance, my stylist does read this blog, I'm not embarrassed next time I go for my bowl-cut.
Note: The picture in this article does not feature my stylist nor me. Namely because I'm not a girl.
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71 Comments

To hell with Dave (sorry, Dave) - I want to see what Lindsey's take on this is.

said Scaramouch on August 21, 2008 11:05 AM.

Tell Lindsey to learn how to cut hair. (and learn French.)

said JG on August 21, 2008 11:13 AM.

or just tell her to learn how to French...

said Scaramouch on August 21, 2008 11:40 AM.

"(...) in which we ask loyal (then non-loyal, but finally a return to loyalty) (...)"

This just makes Dave a human yes but no but yes example.

Lame joke... Sorry...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 21, 2008 12:46 PM.

She's just buttering you up to get a good tip and to make you relax. She does it to all the guys. Women too. Stick to Lindsey.

said Katherine the Great on August 21, 2008 12:55 PM.

My father married his hairstylist, and she turned out to be a brain-dead, money-hungry, skanky piece of shit. I'd like her to die slowly in a bullet-riddled, acid-dipped, gasoline-soaked, fiery car crash... in Somolia.

Echo - RUN!!

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 21, 2008 1:09 PM.

Note to self: Do NOT get on conservalibercrat's bad side.

Yeah, you're getting the old tip-flirt routine. Here is what you should do to determine if its you or the tip bringing on the flirty behaviour. Disguise yourself as Johnny Wright (stache and sunglasses) and loiter inside the shop, observing her interactions with other customers. You'll find out the truth about this vixen or get arrested for stalking, or both.

said curlyelk on August 21, 2008 2:15 PM.

An excellent plan.

said Johnny Wright on August 21, 2008 2:36 PM.

something similar used to happen to me some years ago and it's just a ploy to keep you happy and as a client and of course tipping. don't over think it just take it like a compliment that she seems do dig you. it'll make you feel good about yourself.

also dont forget that you are El Presidente's First Lady don't do anything unbefitting (sp?) you post.

*just trying to keep him in line for you Dave*

said etantao on August 21, 2008 3:13 PM.

I completely understand that she might be flirting for a tip, but what everyone has failed to acknowledge is that I'm exceptionally good looking. Were you to meet me on the street, you'd start vomiting uncontrollably. Not because I'm hideous, but due to your brain not having the capacity to grasp and tolerate someone with my exquisite beauty.

We all know girls go after hot dudes (check) with great personalities (check) and lots of cash in the bank (check). Sometimes I'm even in awe of myself.

said Echowood on August 21, 2008 3:30 PM.

I'm just posting this so I can get e-mails on the comments so I can see what Dave thinks.

said Jeni Gump on August 21, 2008 3:33 PM.

Echo - Right there with ya, buddy. In fact, when in public, I've taken to hanging a quick-dispenser full of airline vomit bags off my belt. It seems the least I can do ... and shows that I care about the fairer sex.

Perhaps we should start a gentlemen's club to support our commonality. We can enjoy fine cigars and talk stocks.

said Tim on August 21, 2008 3:59 PM.

First before taking my advice, I would suggest figuring the girlfriend thing out. I’m sure Lindsay is nice, but she’s in Portland. That’s a long way from New York. More than likely she’s in Portland banging some dude named Ted, while you’re working hard doing the faithful thing. (That kind of stung didn’t it?)
Is she on a little shorty of a vacation, if she is, fine. However, if the trip is longer than a month, she’s probably not as attached to you as you think she is. I’ve found that if a chick is really in love with a guy, two weeks is actually pretty hard, and almost un-bearable for a chick to be away from a guy she is madly in love with. So look at it from there. Of course there are exceptions, if she is in prison or in the hospital, or something of the sort, she has no choice and may still be the one for you. If that is not the case bank on the fact that you have a 93.61 % chance that she is banging some guy named Ted. You also have a 1.3% chance that she is banging a dude named Darryl. So the odds aren’t in your favor.
The numbers may help you in your decision.

So you have decided to go for the stylist, buddy pick up your pen and paper, Here is your hookup.

First off, you are right to be a little hesitant when it comes to the friendliness of someone who depends on tips to put bread in their basket. In business type industry, a tip digger, if good at what they do will remember little things about their client. In fact I have known a few tip diggers to take physical notes of previous conversations to fill the purse a little faster. It’s just good business.
It can be a little discouraging to really know how much the friendliness and the flirting is just part of the job, so insist she keep it real. You can start with the tip. A big tip won’t get you the date. Remember to tip fair, good, and always the same amount from here on out. This will help her be herself; she knows what she’ll get every time no matter what. This will help her open up. Let her know that that you like her work and you will be a faithful client. She will get the same tip no matter what. Even through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Don’t be discouraged if you have screwed things up by “Emotional tipping”. Just fix your price and take a little comfort by remembering she’s not a stripper. At least 21.4% of what was previously said to you was genuine. I know that is not a lot, but it’s something, build off of it. She has her pride and she has her limitations to what she will say and do. You are not in there as a pervert paying for a lap dance. You are in there as a man that cares about his professional appearance and she is your employee.
This will take three haircuts to implement.
CUT 1.
The first cut you need to feel things out. Don’t let her do the questioning, you turn the table and start digging into her interests. Find out what she likes, were she likes to go, what she likes to do, even find out if she is available. If she isn’t married, then she is game. When you get done with the hair cut, act a little disappointed even if it is good, be courteous, smile, Joke with her saying things like, hey, it’s hair it will grow back. Tip her the specified amount.
Now this is key: Tell her you have an old friend coming into town and you would like to take her somewhere nice to eat. Ask her for suggestions on where to take the friend. Ask her if she could choose one place to eat before she died, where would it be.
Smile, look at the hair in the mirror, shake your head, smile, thank her and leave.
Do your homework. Take Lindsey (If she’s back from banging Ted or Daryl.) to the place she suggested. Pay close attention to everything, it may not hurt to pay attention to Lindsey.

CUT2.
Sit down, smile a lot, and be happy. Not homo happy but man happy.
Let her know that you took your friend to the place she suggested. Talk about it and continue to talk about it. Tell her you loved it. Talk about a lot of things while you are there. Dig into more information. Dig Dig Dig.
Bring up the restaurant again. Get her talking about it.
When the cut is done, smile and tell her that was the best cut you had ever been given. Tip her the same amount. Even point it out to her, say:” Look, I give the same amount on tips no matter what, Is this enough?” 99.2% of the time she will say it is enough. (If she is one of the .8% who asks for more, then she is a whore and may possibly be CLCO8’s dad’s X or one like it, stab her with her comb and move on.)
Step back, take a look in the mirror, smile and make a comment about how good she has made you look. Smile again and leave.
Congratulations, you just made the relationship real.

CUT 3.
I’m going to need you to be sneaky. Before you get your hair cut you will need man up and take one for the team.
Take some clippers and zip a noticeable but fixable knick in the side of your head. Call the Salon (what kind of man goes to a salon?) and request your lady for an emergency fix. Tell them that it has to be her because she is the best.
You will need to put off a couple of vibes for this visit.
1.Don’t put off the gay (Oh my hair!) vibe. That will immediately put you into friend status, even if she knows you aren’t gay.
2.Do put off the businessman, (Damn, this looks UN professional) vibe.

If this chick is the type of hot chick that would have your back in a bar fight, she’s not interested in the pretty boy fancy pants “oh my hair” type of guy. She wants someone who is confident, funny, and could kick some ass in a scrape if he needed to, type of guy. She probably doesn’t want a kick some ass for fun type of guy, those types of guys are reserved for strippers, porn stars, and previously abused by their boyfriend type of girls. So don’t get too carried away.

Show her the nick, tell her you have some important business meetings and you really want to look professional not like MC Hammer. Make fun of yourself a little for being so stupid by trying to cut you hair by yourself. Tell her you don’t think it can be fixed. She will look at it and get to work.
As she starts, tell her that if she can fix it, you will buy her dinner at her favorite restaurant that you previously discussed, but only if she can fix it.
That will challenge her, and give you an easy ask. (After three friendly hair cuts, she knows you and she can tell you are a nice guy.)
When she is done, ask her for a pen and paper. Take it and say: “You did a great job, I can’t believe you fixed it, I owe you big.” What is your phone number, and what day and time do you want me to pick you up for dinner at xxx? She will say, “Oh, you don’t have to do that.” You smile and say:”Yes I do. I’m a man of my word, and nothing would make me feel worse than not keeping my end of the deal.” She will say:”It’s not that big of a deal.” You say: “It is to me, now (smiling) Dammit, (thanks Johnny) give me your number so I can keep my word and my manhood.” Try to get a day and time to pick her up. If she hum haws around, start suggesting days and times until you get it. Don’t take no for an answer. 99.82% of the time you will get the date.
If for some reason you don’t, she probably thinks you are a freak and is scared of you. Leave her alone and lower the bar. You can do that and you still have your pride. You were just paying her back for a good fix, you weren’t interested in her physically, no harm to the relationship with Lindsey, you can go back for a hair cut anytime without having to look at the ground.

Good luck buddy.

said Dave on August 21, 2008 5:04 PM.

I really don't know what to say. I'm having trouble typing because I'm laughing so hard. Another one out of the park my man.

PS: Lindsey is in Portland on business. I'm spending tonight with a phone book calling every "Ted", "Teddy", and "Theodore" in the Portland metropolitan area.

said Echowood on August 21, 2008 5:30 PM.

Wow.

I hope you printed that advice out so you can read it again on the train ride home Echo.

And, I have a brother named Ted, but I checked, he's not in Portland right now.

said Johnny Wright on August 21, 2008 5:57 PM.

I guess it's not the question of why Lindsey is gone, it a question of how long she is gone??

Echo, how long has she been gone, and how long will she be gone??

said Dave on August 21, 2008 6:01 PM.

Dave, your answers are always well thought out and detailed...but the underhandedness of this one is making me rethink my vote (my favorite answer was the farting girl at the gym)...

And Echo...not to scare you, but I went to school with a kid named Edward that everyone called Ted...you may want to peruse the phone book once more...

said sarcastic one on August 21, 2008 8:49 PM.

Sarcastic - My grandfather's name was Edgar Theodore. He went by the name 'Ted'.

And no, Echo, I am not implying that my grandfather is playing house with Lindsey.

said Tim on August 21, 2008 9:37 PM.

THAT'S IT! I can't take this. Stupid lying tramp going away on "business"! More like going away to hang out with some dude named Ted/Teddy/Theodore/Edward (shit, what if it's all four at once? I never knew she was into that). It isn't business! It's nothing but trampin' and whorin'! That lousy trollop!

Anyone know any cheap flights from New York to Portland?

said Echowood on August 21, 2008 9:55 PM.

In situations like this Echo, I ask myself, 'What woud Ice-T do?' Nine times out of ten you get maced, but that tenth time, that's something special bro. Damn.

said E on August 21, 2008 11:26 PM.

BTW, dog, post Lindsey's digits. I can break her off some. Word.

said E on August 21, 2008 11:32 PM.

Echo, you don't need to fly to Portland man. I can send a bunch of my thugs to do the work for you.
Clean, fast and 100% warranty of success. Ask Dave, CLC... they've used my services.

PS.: Dave... you were as smart ass as always on the challenge. No wonder why you're the President of the UNNA.

Leo
"Quoniam nos orator"

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 22, 2008 7:44 AM.

S.O.-
I agree that the advise was underhanded. Though I don't condone over-underhandedness, you have to realise that Echowood had a chick that had already underhanded him.
In this situation, I didn't suggest that Echo pull all of the magic at once, I suggested a timed well thought out pick up. Something that he could pull while trying to figure out if Lindsey is the one, or just some whore banging a dude named Ted. This give him plenty of time to figure it out.
Besides that this is a type of situation, when after the stylist falls in love with Echo,he can tell her about the fake nick and they can talk and laugh about the phoniness together.
When a chick doesn't keep it real, a dude isn't under the obligation to keep it real either, and until she starts keeping it real, he will never really get the real her.
Take for example that whore that CLC's dad married. He was probably nothing but nice to her, while her niceness was completely phoney. She never transitioned from tip digger to wife, she just always assumed the role of tip digger which essentially let her to be on the top of CLC hit list.
In short, I believe in being open and honest from the beginning. However, sometimes, other people don't allow that unless you get a little shady. Not Ice T shady but forgiveable Shady.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 8:48 AM.

Leo, did you watch the Men's Volleyball finals???

said Dave on August 22, 2008 9:07 AM.

No Dave, I didn't. I was watching the 3rd place match while I was trying to put my daughter to sleep, but I fell asleep before it ended. I heard of the result this morning. It's a shame...

All the 'warranted' gold medals that our athletes could win are going one by one. Men's football (damn Argentinians), women's football, the men's soil gymnastics, and now the beach volleyball.

I think the only gold medals we may bring home is that one from 50m swimming (Phelps wasn't in the pool) and maybe the men's volleyball team. Maybe. All our favorites are all falling down.

By the way, have you noticed that the guys playing beach volleyball for Georgia were Brasilians? Funny...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 22, 2008 9:28 AM.

Yeah, the Brasilians really crank out some great volleyball players.
I watched the Gold medal match between Brasil and the US last night, and almost found myself cheering for Brasil.. Amost.
It was a great game.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 10:16 AM.

I wanted to watch. I'm not a huge fan of the beach volleyball, but the finals use to be exciting.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 22, 2008 10:26 AM.

Though biased, I'm still clinging on to my opinion. Dave, you've outdone yourself with this one man. I wish my mind wasn't so tainted against tip diggers. As I read your advice, I couldn't help but think about how my dad went to great lengths to make sure she was a suitable wife. She wasn't hard to look at. She seemed to be a real 'go-getter'. What he DID NOT consider was the 'Hen Factor'. This means that he never took into consideration that she was surrounded daily with the following:

- Gold digging mistresses whose job it is to look beautiful for their married boyfriends. They sometimes come in twice a week because every now and then his kid accidentally drops his gum in the back seat of the Benz - and it's a bitch to get out of your hair.

- Burned-out 80 year old hags, who refuse to let their grandchildren call her 'grandma' because she still feels young at heart, so they call her Pearlie.

- Uggos who are "Waiting to Exhale" because the guy who they just knew was 'the one' - really slept with her on a bet. Now she's mad. She's got to teach him a lesson, so she flattens all of his tires, pours bleach all over his lawn, and sends out evil 'tiny penis' comments to all of his MySpace friends.

- Cougars (who are coincidentally headed down the same path as the hags) - who are newly divorced. Grown and Sexy (ha!), and really believe that "50 is the new 19". These women get their fashion tips from Hanna Montana, and believe that stretch marks are the badge of a real woman. This kind of woman relies on her stylist to make her attractive for the 20 year old that works at Arby's - who mistakes free extra Horsie Sauce as flirting.

- The desparate housewife, who's put on an extra 200 lbs from the pregnancy. She calls it "happy weight", buts he's scared that her husband may not find her attractive anymore, so she dumps her husbands money at Victoria's Secret, the hairstylists, and McDonalds - instead of using that gym membership that hubby gave her last Christmas.


Do you get where I'm going with this? If you have all of these fucked up dysfunctional women around you all day every day, you're one of two things:

- Not moved. You've got a level head on your shoulders. Your true calling may have been in the Mental Health Industry, but you maintained a D+ average in school and it was easier to grab a license in cosmetology. (I'm not knocking cosmetologists either. My mother was one (ironically my step-mom too), and so is my aunt... all crazy chicks - but that's another blog. They put food on the table, and there's nothing wrong with making an honest living)

- Decided this route because you may have started your family a little early (at 14), and the court ordered you to get a trade or loose your kids. Cosmetology is a cakewalk compared to the strip club, and you get to look down on all of your friends and drive the best Chevy in the trailor park.

Either way - it takes a 'special' person to do deal with all the drama in the beauty industry. Now it is up to you to decide what you'd consider "special".

Again, my opinion is biased and is probably not fair at all. Don't listen to me. I'm stupid.

Konichiwa Bitches.

CLC_08

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 22, 2008 10:44 AM.

Number1-
I kind of wonder if we perhaps may have hit a nerv even bringing up hairstylists?
I also would be interested in you classification of Echowood. He does frequent a salon?
I mean, where I come from, dudes just don't go to salons.

That leads me to another question. What are those things that old ladies sit under at a salon? It looks like a tupperware bowl with holes in it and they sit under it for hours and read Cosmo?

That leads me to another question for Echo, Echo, when you go to your stylist do you sit under one of those tupperware hair thingies?

If you do, I'd like a picture of you under one. Just something to frame up and put on my desk to impress gay clients, (If there were such a thing out here.)

said Dave on August 22, 2008 11:02 AM.

Those are hair dryers Dave.

And yes, I think the topic of hairstylists may have hit a nerve. I may need a ruffie.

Oh, and it's kinda common for dudes to go to salons in New York. Not to re-open a wound, but ...

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 22, 2008 11:11 AM.

CLC -

Rarely does one bring such personal expertise to the commentary here at YBNBY. For those that may find themselves in Echo's predicament, your insight is a tremendous help.

Your real life experiences and pain are evident in your post. It takes courage to discuss personal matters here for all the world to see. As you know, I have recently done so. To an extent, now you have as well. Therapy works wonders ... but this little community of ours will help heal the pain faster than any professional.

We're here for 'ya babe.

said Tim on August 22, 2008 11:15 AM.

Dave,

A regular picture of Echo should satisfy the gay clients. I use the one off the main page, next to a picture of the original "Rat Pack". It appears that he is sneaking a peak at Dean and Sammy ... kinda funny.

Just a thought.

Tim

said Tim on August 22, 2008 11:19 AM.

Thanks for the advise Tim.

I think YBNBY is a good place for all of us to really empy some of that baggage. Unfortunately, I just don't have any.
I mean when you are raised by Wolves you are pretty much a Wolf. I think we all know Wolves don't have baggage.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 11:27 AM.

Dave - Just be glad you weren't raised by a Cougar.

Tim - Thanks good buddy. I hadn't realized all of the pain that I'd been holding in. At first I thought it was odd that I was starting small fires in all of the Fantastic Sam's bathroom trash cans. It wasn't until my parole officer suggested I may have a problem, but he suggested it was with people named Sam. I focused my therapy based on that theory, all to no avail. Turns out - I'm still in need of therapy.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 22, 2008 11:43 AM.

well, what can i say? i read the post yesterday and there were 2 comments, and now there are 33. dave, the thing is, i think your advice is almost too dead on and that he might actually try to follow it. which would thoroughly make him more of a sleezebag than he already is. he can take her to where he took my parents and me when trying his best to impress - none other than denny's. home run special all the way.

and as for portland, i haven't met a Ted, an Edward, or a Darryl, but i have met a Bob. does that count?

said the real lindsey on August 22, 2008 12:02 PM.

Ladies and gentlemen, Lindsey has just posted her first ever comment to YesButNoButYes. If you need me, I'll be buying a few dozen long-stem roses and sending them to her.

PS: Linds, you said your Dad liked pancakes. Who makes better pancakes than Denny's?

PPS: Dave... yeah, I go to a salon. But no, I've never sat underneath one of those tupperware thingies.

PPPS: Tim, in the original picture, I'm actually staring at a Sun Chip. Seriously. You can't explain art.

said Echowood on August 22, 2008 12:17 PM.

Echo,

OK, I'll move the picture away from the Rat Pack and place it next to a bag of Sun Chips.

said Tim on August 22, 2008 12:29 PM.

Dear The Real Lindsey-
I am glad that you posted. This will give me time to relieve my conscience, and perhaps fix things with you and Echowood.
Behind the scenes, a month ago, I recieved a phone call from Echo. He told me about this weeks challenge. He also told me about how he was a little worried about the post, but he knew that you would understand that the question was merely hypothetical. In fact, Echo even told me that his hair stylist was in fact so ugly that her momma had to feed her with a slingshot.
While talking, I asked Echo to send a picture of you.
Echo, proudly did.
Upon the pictures arrival, I was stunned that Echo could score such a beautiful young lady.
In my dark mind, I knew that if I sabotaged the relationship, it may open a chance up for me.
I tried my best to persuade Echo to add the challenge because I knew it would be the perfect opportunity for sabotage.
He reluctantly agreed to it, saying if it hurt your relationship, he could never forgive himself.
Before he hung up the phone, he told me of his chance to impress your parents. He suggested fine dining, and I convinced him that nothing impressed like Denny's. I have an unruly power of persuasion.
This is all my fault.
Please forgive Echo. He just did all of this for the entertainment value.
I know his life would be meaningless without you.
I'm sorry to the both of you.
As for Bob, I know him and he's not half the man as Echo.

If though, things don't work out, Echo has my number, call me and we can talk about it, pretty girl.

Love Dave.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 12:41 PM.

Dave, "...As for Bob, I know him and he's not half the man as Echo"

So, does that mean that Bob only has half of one testicle? That's gotta suck.

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 22, 2008 12:48 PM.

Ouch, talk about kicking a man when he's down.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 1:03 PM.

e- i should of commented a long time ago! you know where i'm staying; i'll expect to see them tomorrow. long stem, right?

dave- i should of realized that only a brilliant mind like yours could of been behind the denny's scheme. the parents are coming to town next month, and e has suggested olive garden. would it be suitable? no (overly) harsh feelings my friend. send me your photo and we'll talk.

said the real lindsey on August 22, 2008 1:11 PM.

Dear YesButNoButYes Readers (except Dave, who is the world's greatest wingman),
You all have the distinction of being the newest members of my shit-list.

said Echowood on August 22, 2008 1:29 PM.

Et tu, Echo??

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 22, 2008 1:32 PM.

Why are we on your shit list Echo? We did nothing, you brought this upon yourself.

said Jeni Gump on August 22, 2008 1:45 PM.

I was going to make some sarcastic smartass comment along the lines of 'what kind of jerk uses Dennys to impress a girl?". And then I remembered that I proposed to my wife at Dennys. Oops.

said Scaramouch on August 22, 2008 1:51 PM.

the real lindsey- The way you handled this problem with class and sophistication has only confirmed what Echo has told me about you. That you are not only beautiful on the outside but beautiful on the inside.
As for the Olive Garden, why don't we step it up a notch. Echo, take them to Le Bernardin in Manhattan. I believe that is your hair stylist's favorite place.
Don't worry about reservations just tell them you know Dave, that should get you a seat next to Seinfield.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 2:04 PM.

OK Jeni, I'll take you off too. But only because you said, in a previous post, that you'd do me ("should" my relationship with Lindsey fail, and my potential relationship with my hairstylist not work out).

said Echowood on August 22, 2008 2:15 PM.

So I'm on your short list?

said Jeni Gump on August 22, 2008 2:22 PM.

Third in line to the throne. That's not bad Jeni.

said Johnny Wright on August 22, 2008 2:22 PM.

As long as he blogs about how good I am in bed I'm in.

said Jeni Gump on August 22, 2008 2:25 PM.

Dave, have you seen man? We have two matches ahead... Men and women volleyball...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 22, 2008 3:32 PM.

I dunno, Echo. I pretty sure that Jeni's too much woman for you.

said Tim on August 22, 2008 3:40 PM.

Thanks Tim, I think.

said Jeni Gump on August 22, 2008 3:41 PM.

A little hazy on that one. I was talking about the Men's beach volleyball.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 3:44 PM.

Yes Dave, I know it. But now Brasil will face the USA in the finals of the indoors volleyball. Both men and women.

Not good... Beach volleyball and women's football were won by the USA's teams. I hope that we win at least one of the finals.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 22, 2008 3:51 PM.

Echo - I'm still trying to figure out how I ended up on your shit list! I give you some advice that could possibly save you the torture and anguish of therapy, bankruptcy, catching a felony murder beef - and this is the thanks I get? I feel really unappreciated man. I had to let you know that. My thereapist says that I should confront the offender. You better be glad you're the (handicapped) first lady and immune from the corner!

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 22, 2008 4:08 PM.

CLC, although the first lady is immune from being cornered and going to "Pearl Diving" (I just can't get it off of my mind), I think I'm feeling the smell of an Octagon Special Event. Not a death match, just a 3 rounds fight to put things clear.

If Dave allows it, of course.

Damn Echo... How could I be in the shit list too? I tried to help you sending my thugs to do the dirty work for you in Portland...

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 22, 2008 4:17 PM.

CLC- You said I have only one testicle... when in fact I have three. And they're huge. Which makes me super manly. I can bend iron bars with my mind.

said Echowood on August 22, 2008 4:31 PM.

Echo - I specifically remember that you lost one fair and square over the Big-Foot Hoax. The testicle is in Dave's office, go check it out if you don't believe me. I don't see why that would put me on your shit list though. It's just a testicle dude. You still have your other one.

Oh wait, if you had three, then you have two now. So Dave did you a favor then, eh?

...you DO realize that your three huge testicles will yield new questions for Lindsey, right?

said ConservaLiberCrat_08 on August 22, 2008 4:42 PM.

Echo, if you closely read Lindseys postings, it would appear she has you confused with (ahem) 'e'.

Linds, I'm looking forward to this weekend. I'll leave the light on at Motel 6, sound good? BTW, can you stop by Taco Bell and the liquor store on your way over. Might as well bring a little romance to the party.

said E on August 22, 2008 4:52 PM.

E-
I talked to Lindsey, she said that the only romance she was bringing to the party was a dude named Ted.

Can you say Threesome? But not in a cool way??????

said Dave on August 22, 2008 5:38 PM.

boys, for true romance, always bring tequila, ok?

said the real lindsey on August 22, 2008 6:18 PM.

Yikes! Thanks for the heads up bro.

said E on August 22, 2008 6:18 PM.

E- Ive got your back buddy.

said Dave on August 22, 2008 6:40 PM.

The real Lindsey....
Just one question...(because everyone else missed the opportunity to ask)
Was Bob the acronym Bob (as in battery operated...)?

If so, then I want to stick up for you and remind everyone that if you brought backup, you had absolutely no intention of looking for a Ted while you were in Portland...

Dave...I had to call you on the underhanded advice...I have a long distance boyfriend...no amount of scoping out the potential in another woman is acceptable in my book....
lucky for me he's too cheap to go to a salon--so he wouldn't follow your advice...

said sarcastic one on August 22, 2008 7:27 PM.

boys, for true romance, always bring tequila, ok?

said the real lindsey on August 22, 2008 7:59 PM.

Jeni -

No offense meant. It's just that when a woman is so forthcoming with information on bowel movement frequency, and other detail therein, she doesn't tend to live on the delicate side of life.

Our testicular-challenged one, on the other hand, is a more delicate specimen.

Sorry if I made the wrong assumption. I'm just old that way.

said Tim on August 22, 2008 9:27 PM.

Note to all -

I wish to extend my deepest sympathies. I'm afraid that it is likely you have all been put on the infamous 'shit-list' simply by association.

You see, I am certain that I have secured a high-ranking on this list. This is warranted, as I have worked hard for this dubious honor. However, I fear that in showing your support for me during this troubling week, you have inadvertantly been added.

Our friend see things as strictly black or white. This does not make him a racist. Rather, he likes his options simple. For example, the UNNA mantra of being 'either with us, or against us' is very clear; black or white. This is why Dave has taken the testicular-challenged one under his tutor. Unfortunately, it appears that, by association, our friend has charged you with my transgressions.

It is my hope that, in time, under Dave's tutor, a mindset will develop that allows for his more-specific appends to said list.

Your friend,

Tim

P.S. My name is Tim, and I approve my overuse of commas in this message.

said Tim on August 22, 2008 10:11 PM.

Tim, I work in an incredibly serious environment and I come here so I can read funny shit and talk about mine. This place is a break from my reality and quite frankly, I love potty humor. I'm not a typical broad, I do live a dynamic and slightly rough life but in a good way. I can be on the back of my friends Fat Boy, come home covered in road grime (my face in the pic is covered in it), take a shower, and go to my Fathers house for Sunday dinner at the country club. And who doesn't appreciate a dump so good that you need to comment about it?

I am Jeni Gump and I like to talk about poop.

said Jeni Gump on August 25, 2008 9:38 PM.

Tim, Jeni... Although we are in the Echo's shit list we have now a new space for us to develop the UNNA's matters and talk about poop if we want to, Jeni.
In the YBNBY forum...

Me and most of my friends have a deep feeling to our dropped loads. We can't get enough of proudly talk about our works of art.

said Leonardo Carvalho on August 25, 2008 10:05 PM.

Thank you Leo. I will meet you over there as soon as I get caught up.

said Jeni Gump on August 26, 2008 11:16 AM.
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