So, Johnny Wright up and got himself ordained. Just looking at that smug and self-satisfyingly grating smile on his face irks me to no end. Who does he think he is? Where does he get off? Pawning his ministerial abilities on a two-bit* blog. I'm here to tell you folks, I did it first, and I've done it better.*His words, not mine.
Back in 2005, my good friend Mitch asked me to officiate his wedding. Seeing as I'm probably the most religious person he knows, he was eager to ask for my services. And, once properly ordained, my duties as an official reverend were put to good use. That's right, I've officiated a marriage. And, though I ask constantly, the State of South Dakota (where the wedding took place) hasn't asked for further documentation as to the validity of my ministerialism. (I invented this word, please feel free to use it, giving proper credit.)
Johnny's prices, while fair, are bit out of sync. You see, he has no practice. He's never presided over anything religious. I'm not even sure he's ever attended a wedding. If you want an amateur guiding one of the most memorable days of your life, then go with number two. But if you want a REAL reverend, with awesome skills behind the pulpit(and in front of, given the nature of the service and/or the level of gospel being sung) then go with me.
Here's what I propose. A $500 flat fee. I'll do anything. I'll marry anyone or anything. Two dudes want to get married? I'm on it. Want to bless your bong? Call me up. Need an exorcism on your computer? I'll be there in a heartbeat, though we may need Johnny there as well to fulfill the role of "old priest." Hell, I'll even ride in on a donkey for $500.
Sure, if you want a traditional wedding, go with Johnny. I'm sure he'll quote scriptures and make reference to religious things. But if you want a wedding you'll remember for the rest of your life. The kind where Grandma might end up crying at the end of it because I dropped a few "c-bombs", then call Reverend Echowood. I've got the skills to bring the thrills™.
This is what I propose. Let Johnny and I do a "Reverend Off". Through ministerial feats of strength, we'll see who deserves to be called the YesButNoButYes Reverend.
Johnny's prices, while fair, are bit out of sync. You see, he has no practice. He's never presided over anything religious. I'm not even sure he's ever attended a wedding. If you want an amateur guiding one of the most memorable days of your life, then go with number two. But if you want a REAL reverend, with awesome skills behind the pulpit(and in front of, given the nature of the service and/or the level of gospel being sung) then go with me.
Here's what I propose. A $500 flat fee. I'll do anything. I'll marry anyone or anything. Two dudes want to get married? I'm on it. Want to bless your bong? Call me up. Need an exorcism on your computer? I'll be there in a heartbeat, though we may need Johnny there as well to fulfill the role of "old priest." Hell, I'll even ride in on a donkey for $500.
Sure, if you want a traditional wedding, go with Johnny. I'm sure he'll quote scriptures and make reference to religious things. But if you want a wedding you'll remember for the rest of your life. The kind where Grandma might end up crying at the end of it because I dropped a few "c-bombs", then call Reverend Echowood. I've got the skills to bring the thrills™.
This is what I propose. Let Johnny and I do a "Reverend Off". Through ministerial feats of strength, we'll see who deserves to be called the YesButNoButYes Reverend.
- How many couples can we marry in a day?
- Who can drink more communion wine?
- Name all the Hindu Gods in alphabetical order.
- Ban something for fear it encroaches on your religious beliefs. (I'm looking at you Spaghetti O's, what with your ease of cooking and manufactured taste.)
- Be featured on a news program supporting a politician.
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Echowood you ignorant slut.
I doubt very much that photo is real. I suspect some Photoshop trickery. I have MY ordination certificate in a frame on my wall. I have the documentation. Do you have your certificate in a frame?
Readers, Echowood may give you a discount, but you get what you pay for. Like Stephon Marbury's $15 dollar shoes. Or a 99 cent burger. Yeah, that burger is cheap for a reason.
If you want me to take a deuce in a box and sell it at a discount I can. But it's still a turd.
With me, you get the filet mignon of religious clerics. Aged and marbled to perfection.
I accept your challenge. May the best smarty pants win!
Reverend Wright
Reverend Echowood, I need prayer Sir. Lately, nothing seems to be going my way. I can't find work. My husband left me. The state took my kids. My hair won't grow back, and I've gained about 45 pounds. I'm about 2 months behind on my trailer park payments, and my drug dealer just stabbed my probation officer.
The volunteer at the soup kitchen told me something about getting right with God, or something like that. Said that I needed some Jesus in my life. Do you know this dude? Can you tell him I need him to spot me a few dollars so I can pay my cell phone bill, and the interest on my pawn shop loan? Don't BS me either Reverend. If they cut my phone off, I'm in deep shit.
If you can't help, let me know and I'll see if Reverend Wright can.
Warmest Regards,
Brittany Spears
Leeeeeeet the fight begin...
Tonight at Episcopal Casino, Vegas, in the main ring, we'll have the fight of the century... Reverend vs Reverend.
Reverends, please go to the corner and wait for the bell.
Here are the rules:
1. Thou shall not curse,
2. Thou shall not throw the holy book on each other,
3. Thou shall not ask for divine helping and call the Holy Trinity in vain,
4. Thou shall not use a staff to tear the ring apart,
5. Thou shall not poke the other's eyes.
All the rest is valid!!!
Ding!! Ding!!
Johnny, all that talk just proves one thing: you're afraid. Anyone who uses big words like "certificate" and "discount" can only be hiding one thing: they're chicken.
Ms. Spears - please, for the love of all that's holy, jump into the ocean and try swimming to Japan. Let us know how it goes.
Leonardo- my gloves are on, I'm ready to pound Johnny with my "Jesus Fists"
How dare you, sir!
Never will I allow myself to be called a piece of delicious chicken!
On my signal, uh, I'll unleash hell! Or Heaven!?! Crap. Need to think about this.
Johnny you're so pathetic. Now you've taken to quoting such blasphemous movies as Gladiator. Perhaps I didn't see the book of Ridley Scott in the bible last time I read it ... for the ninth time.
I think that was one of my favorite Psalms from Proverbs.
Jesus fight! Jesus fight! Now you 2 stand back-to-back, hold your crucifixes, take 10 steps, turn and start spewing hellfire and brimstone!