You are now addressing a man of the cloth. So let's show a little respect, huh?No need to bow. No need to genuflect. No need to kiss my Ramones ring. Just a little respect is all I'm asking.
The Universal Life Church has seen fit to ordain me, thus entitling me to "all the rights and privileges to perform all duties of the Ministry." After a thorough background check and an intensive test to make sure I could spell my name right on the form, I passed inspection.
I've hung my shingle outside our Upper West Side apartment and have officially opened up shop. If you meet the required fees, I am now available for all your ecumenical needs.
When I was ordained by the Universal Life Church, I joined the ranks of Sammy Davis Jr., Debbie Reynolds, Mel Blanc, Jimmy Stewart, Tony Danza, Wolfman Jack, Hunter Thompson, Milton Berle, Mae West, Johnny Carson, John, Paul, George and Ringo. Seems about right.
One might think that I may use my newfound power for selfish reasons. Like parking in a handicapped spot or comped subway fares. That is just ridiculous. I am only looking to compensated fairly for the services I can now legally provide.
Which include:
Individual Prayer - $333: If you need the blessings, all I need is the financial motivation.
Topical Sermon - $525: If you assign me a topic, I will deliver a passionate, pulpit-pounding speech that will rattle the rafters. Topics can range from Moses leading the Children of Israel through the desert to the benefits of a man-to-man defense. I'm very well read.
Baptism - $750: I'm just going to chuck you in the local public pool, but I'll say a few nice words first. Just don't want to get my Clarks Wallabee's wet.
Cannonball Baptism - $900: A somewhat new religious rite. I may have just invented it. For this one, I will get wet with you. We'll climb up to the seven meter platform, grasp hands and leap together. What a splash we'll make.
Wedding - $1,350: You and your betrothed will be joined until death do you part by myself wearing a Sinatra-esque tuxedo. I clean up nice. You can make the happiest day of your life even more special. You want to write your own vows? No problem. You want me to write them? That's an extra $250. Each. A bargain at twice the price if you ask me. Funeral - $1,325: I am giving a significant "bereavement discount" here. 25 big ones. I have sympathy for your loss. Part of the fee includes reading the eulogy. If so desired. We'll make sure your loved one rests in peace.
Now, in addition to the above fees, travel and accommodation costs must be covered. That includes a meal stipend. However, if you reside on the island of Manhattan, I will use my Metro Card, saving you up to $4.
At this point I'm not sure if I am qualified for bar/bat mitzvahs. I'm looking into it. Same goes with performing a bris. Even if I am cleared by rabbinical elders to perform a bris, I would still recommend dialing up the local mohel. When it comes to scalpels near your newborn son's genitalia, let's leave it to the experts. L'Chayim.
When I arrive at your event, I will need my green room to be stocked with the following items on my:
Official Rider
Flat screen television tuned to ESPN News
Bose iPod Dock
6-Packs of Coca-Cola, Mountain Dew, and Canada Dry Ginger Ale
7 Dasani bottles of water
7 Gatorade's of assorted flavors
3 Martinelli's Apple Juice
All beverages must be chilled before my arrival.
Large deli sampler with a variety of meats and cheeses
1 box each of Regular Triscuits and Roasted Garlic Triscuits
Chips and salsa
Variety of O Boy! O'Berto beef and turkey jerky's
One dozen candy bars - assorted flavors
7 bags of Skittles - assorted flavors
PEZ refills
Goldfish Crackers
Bucket of Popeye's chicken and a dozen biscuits
Variety of Quizno's sandwiches
Variety of new sports, music and current event magazines
Also, this must be noted. There can be no rituals scheduled during the broadcast of major sporting events.
This includes;
NBA, MLB and NFL playoffs, all four golf and tennis majors, March Madness - actually, all of March is out, BCS bowl games, Duke versus North Carolina basketball games, the Summer Olympics and World Cup.
No exceptions.
Though my ordination was free, The Universal Life Church is offering me further religious power. At a very reasonable price. For only $5 extra bucks, I can choose a Special Title to add to my business cards. There are dozens of possibilities, but I've narrowed my choices down to; Colonel, Lama, Seer, Friar, Baron, Swami, Wizard and Shaman. I briefly considered Mystic Warrior, but that would be crazy.
After I get a few ceremonies under my belt, I will begin to pen my Dalai Lama-like book
on spiritual enlightenment. The tome will be a mish-mash of many of the world's religious teachings. While also borrowing from the wisdom of Mark Twain, Ernest Hemingway, Jacques Cousteau, the Beatles and Jack Bauer. The book will be entitled Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Happiness. The forwards will be written by Ringo Starr and Cheeta the Monkey. Look for it at fine retailers soon.
All requests for my services must be submitted in writing and can be directed to the YBNBY head offices.
Bless you. Bless you all.
Peace in the Middle East, don't slip on the chicken grease,
The Reverend Johnny Wright
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It's an honor to be on the same page as such an esteemed cleric such as yourself. I'm gonna drop you a line right before my next vacation. I'll be needing a few pre-certified indulgences in case what happens in Vegas doesn't stay there, if you know what I mean.
We'll see what we can do, E.
The Rev
Also, ask Rev. Jackson how many commandments a 'man of the cloth' needs to keep. From what I understand it's less than the usual amount. (Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge!)
Thank you father.
at least in Puerto Rico churches are exempt of paying so taxes and utility bill, look it up over there to see what you can get out of it. i'm curious, what is your stance on nut cutting? who's nut would you cut?
Yikes! Interesting point though.
While the threat of cutting one's nuts has been a popular sermon topic of my Reverend counterparts, I am bucking the trend and not participating.
Except for Rosie O'Donnell's. His I would snip.
Blessed Art Thou Johnny. From your keyboard to God's ears.
What's up with thoses 'wallabee' shoes though?
I have flavor in my footgear. Clarks are the best.
So, let's say I was willing to shell out for you to come and officiate my wedding in the UK--would it still be legal? Or would we have to trek to the states for such an honour?
I will look into my power being recognized across the pond. Hopefully the Queen will recognize my ordination.
Maybe I will be knighted if I come to perform your wedding. Two birds ... one stone.
Rev Wright
Oh yeah, can you get me Arsenal tickets? Thanks...
Hey Rev!
Any plans for a mega-church? If so, how much is the cost of admission...er...I mean "when would I tithe"? Any plans to incorporate a tent and some rattlesnakes into your "Mission from God"? Can you get me Jake and Elwood's autograph?
Congratulations. But you have some awful big shoes to fill if you want to as recognizable as some other Reverend Wrights in this country.
Maybe you can get Barack to come to one of your fiery sermons.
We're negotiations for a plot of land, ConservaLiberCrat_08 . I think it will seat about 11,000 of the faithful. We'll have a band.
Tickets will be very reasonably priced. Like those for the Police Reunion Tour.
Holy Crap Will! You're right! I didn't think about that. Dammit. I may need a pseudonym.
Rev Wright (for now...)
My $200 nosebleed seats were well worth the Police Reunion Tour! If you can promise the same kind of rush, then "I'll be wrapped around your finger".
Considering that this photo makes you look like a marginally smugger version of Ricky Gervais, I think you'll be recognized by the Church of England, no problem.
http://www.wmagazine.com/celebrities/2008/06/ricky_gervais
Yes, "smugger" is a word. It has to be.
Swayze,
I swear to you that Scaramouch and I exchanged emails about that very same topic today. Kid you not. He was teasing me about doing a "separated at birth" post about me and Ricky. Swear on a stack of Bibles. And that's coming from an ordained Minister.
Since he is one of my heroes, I didn't take that to me that I look fat in the picture. I think it was a compliment.
And yes, I am slightly smugger than Ricky Gervais.
I'm from Iowa. If Ricky Gervais needs to get eating if he's going to pass our threshold for "fat." And that's on the female scale. Under the man standards, he currently qualifies for critical anorexia.
Very good, my friend.
JW
I actually went to see Gervais in concert tonight at MSG, and he did a whole bit about him being rotund.
But Johnny's still funnier.
Thank you, Boss.
That's ridiculous, but cheers.
Seriously, show biz standards are whacked out. Subway sales when down in this state once we found out Jared lost weight from their samwiches.
Yes, samwiches.