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Mosquito Bites Solved
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Cambridge, MA (July 16, 2008) - That cure for nagging mosquito (Culiseta longiareolata) bites has been right at your finger tips all along. Researchers at the American Allergy Institute released their findings in the Massachusetts Health Journal today, which brought to light that which most school children already know, the "cross technique" of x-ing out a mosquito bite with your fingernail is, by and large, the most effective treatment for a mosquito bite.

Over a four month period, doctors analyzed several hundred people bitten by mosquitoes and treated them with various forms of anti-itch remedies. From the usual diphenhydramine treatments found in most over-the-counter drugs, to the famed fingernail cross, no possible solution was left untested.

"This is really just an amazing discovery. Not only does it give us much needed relief, but it substantiates what most people already knew," said Dr. Timothy Savard speaking to reporters on Tuesday.

In 452 of the 500 patients tested, the fingernail cross was found to relieve the skin irritation to an acceptable degree, while most subjects indicated that an added benefit was the subtle enjoyment they had of branding the small "x" over the infected area.

According to Savard, the cross limits the immune response from the binding of IgG and IgE antibodies to antigens in the mosquito's saliva. Typical antihistamines only block the itch, but the cross technique digs deep into the bite and acts "to punish" the offending irritation. With further research, Savard hopes to determine the best way to administer the cross out technique. Current studies indicate that a suitable application is by creating a perfect "x" with 90 degree angles. However, there are thoughts that using the "star" pattern, or "Satan's Circus" will decrease the amount of time it takes for the itching to subside.

When pressed about his future work, Savard mentioned he'd like to research the gravitation dynamics between falling pounds of feathers and bowling balls.
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3 Comments

Okay what is a "Satan's Circus?"

said sam Garfield on July 17, 2008 6:39 PM.

It's an upside-down star inside a circle, right?

Ask me about my low, low prices on ritual sacrifices! Virgins now Half Off!

said imhotep on July 19, 2008 4:44 AM.

I thought this was going to be about small boobies.

said Jeni Gump on August 8, 2008 11:35 AM.
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