Above: Best fortune I ever got in a cookie. Thought it was just a printer error...until I discovered the family living in the other side of my house!
Fortune cookies: the consensus around these parts seems to be that most of 'em should be cast into the pit of Hades, or have the words "in bed" tacked onto the end to make their annoyingly vague platitudes bearable.
But what if you could make your own? What would they say? Leave your timeless wisdom in the comments below!
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Here you go: Your friends fortune cookie has better wisdom than yours.
Wait, wait! Another nugget of wisdom! Ahem.....: Ever wonder why there are no Asian vets?
How about:
"What do you want from me? I'm a fucking cookie!"
Lucky Numbers 3, 6, 9, 27, 42, 3.1415...
"He who seeks fortune in cookie is silently encouraged by his peers to play in traffic."
"You will find true love on Flag Day"
Ha, love 'em! Except your 2nd one could be construed as a bit racist, Bigus -- I know for a fact that many Asians have fought bravely in various wars throughout our history.
Just thought of a couple:
"Confucius say, you're a dick."
"It is said human flesh tastes like pork. So, does it?"
"Laugh it up. The waiters are back there doing impressions of you, too, asshole."
"I can't believe your girlfriend bought that line last night! Yeah I've been tested....geesh she's a moron"
"You are NOT the father!!"
Ooh, nice, Conserva! That would make for a great cooking segment on the Montel Williams show.
My fault but I see where you are coming from Jeem. When I said vets, I meant veterinarians. So let me clarify (and help people get the joke), my 2nd post: Ever wonder why there are no Asian veterinarians?
This fortune not intended for you. How unfortunate.
This cookie is a choking hazard. You will live if you don't eat it.
Uh, hi. Uhm. Good luck. And stuff.
You will be approached by an attractive person of the opposite sex. Then they will realize they mistook you for their accountant.
That one thing you did that you think no one knows about? You may want to Google yourself.
"you will be hungry again in one hour"
"Jane, you ignorant slut..."
"Your cat is now missing"
"Death is in your future"
"Thanks for your interest in your fortune but unfortunately all of our operators are busy at the moment helping others. Please wait and someone will be with you shortly....."
You will have good luck with strangers - in bed.
Lucky numbers 19, 75, 20, 11, 100.
For you, the Won Ton soup was 'very special'.
If this restaraunt was Tila Tequila's ass, would you still order the poo-poo platter?
Please watch Won Ton Ton, the Dog that saved New York, and tell me how it is.
What if this is as good as it gets?
Those idiots at Sony Records won't allow YouTube to...
[This one only works if your friends are playing the stupid "in Bed" fortune cookie game. Even then, it doesn't work too well.]
Big Jim's Bail Bonds - Call 555-1212. We'll get you out!
This fortune was made with recycled toilet paper.
Just in case you were wondering why the cookie tastes like ass.
Why are all the fortunes printed on WHITE paper?
Jesse Jackson
Jeem-We have all watched the Karate Kid and are all well aware that Mr. Miagee won the Metal of Honor. We are also aware that he is not the only Asian war hero. Furthermore we are also aware that in many Asian Cultures it is acceptable to eat cat and dog. Even Furthermore we are all aware that not all Asians eat Cat and Dog. So here is your fortune.
Confucious says: Don't be so quick to jump to racist conclusions it only keeps people like Jesse Jackson in a Job.
Awesome.
I'm approaching Johnny Wright-level comment numbers here, AND laughing my ass off at the same time. Thanks for giving me such a swell day, gang.
Hey, wasn't there an old saying about somebody making pee-pee in your Coke? That might make a good one, too. (But you would have to serve Coke with dinner, or you wouldn't really get the full effect.)
Let's not get crazy my friend.
It was a great idea, matey.
JW
Kobe, How's my Szechuan Chicken taste?
Walk off home run for E.
See ya! That ball will fly-away!
Me Chinese, Me play Joke
Me go Pee Pee in your Coke.
"[YOUR AD HERE! (800)555-1212]"
He who looks for guidance from baked good may find himself in a pickle.
Dude? Where's my car?
E, that Kobe one was indeed a home run, man. (Or 3-point basket, maybe? I don't know, I'm bad at sports metaphors.)
The pickle one is great, too. I could actually see that one being printed in a real fortune cookie.
And Conserva, you may be on to something there, since advertisers probably thought they'd covered every possible surface with an ad already.
"This coupon good for $1 off any sized bottle of Pepto Bismol. Which you will need in about 10 minutes."
"SF ISO SM age/race unimportant. Must love cats."
"You just ate the nuts of Barack Obama. Thanks Jesse!"
"Hello friend. I am trapped in Nigeria and will need your bank account information to escape..."
"My child is an honor roll student at Luzer Elementary!"
For a good time call 867-5309.