This is the fourth of a series (click here, here and here) in which we ask loyal YesButNoButYes reader and commenter "Dave" to discuss how he'd handle himself in an awkward situation. Last time, he addressed ATM kiosk courtesy. This time, we ask him to enlighten us with his wisdom of wedding travel.
Summer should be a time of relaxation, beaches, lazy afternoons, and sunburns. But when you enter your late 20's, it suddenly becomes a time when all your friends want to get their greedy little hands on your hard earned money via their wedding gifts. Just because they've found the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they like to not only flaunt it, but make you give them money. Lots of money. And they'll judge you for not giving enough. Not only that, but many times they'll ask you to spend more money just to travel to some remote island in the lower Caribbean with potentially cannibalistic natives just to watch your buddy profess his love in front of you.
I'm a reasonable man (mostly), and know that this is a rite of passage. And, luckily, I'm holding out on getting hitched until my friends are more successful and, thus, can spend more on the gifts they'll shower upon me on the day of my nuptials. However, what happens when the girl you're seeing gets invited to a wedding in Seattle with "guest" and asks you to come. The catch is, she wants you to pay for the plane ticket.
With my hard-earned YesButNoButYes salary, I make a lot more money than she does. (True, she doesn't date me for my brains, or body, or wit, or smell.) But she's asking me to pay for a plane ticket to a function that she invited me to, across the country, where I won't know anyone. Is this fair? After all, the weddings I've taken her to have been on my dime, including a stop-over at Big Al's Lobster Shack and Drive-Thru Safari, which sufficed to say, was not cheap.
So, Dave, do I insist she pay for my ticket? Or, should I be chivalrous and pay for the plane fare to a sham wedding that will, more than likely, end in heavy litigation?
I'm a reasonable man (mostly), and know that this is a rite of passage. And, luckily, I'm holding out on getting hitched until my friends are more successful and, thus, can spend more on the gifts they'll shower upon me on the day of my nuptials. However, what happens when the girl you're seeing gets invited to a wedding in Seattle with "guest" and asks you to come. The catch is, she wants you to pay for the plane ticket.
With my hard-earned YesButNoButYes salary, I make a lot more money than she does. (True, she doesn't date me for my brains, or body, or wit, or smell.) But she's asking me to pay for a plane ticket to a function that she invited me to, across the country, where I won't know anyone. Is this fair? After all, the weddings I've taken her to have been on my dime, including a stop-over at Big Al's Lobster Shack and Drive-Thru Safari, which sufficed to say, was not cheap.
So, Dave, do I insist she pay for my ticket? Or, should I be chivalrous and pay for the plane fare to a sham wedding that will, more than likely, end in heavy litigation?
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Third option: Don't go.
As a twenty-something who has to go to a lot of weddings and spend money on lots of gifts, AND as a woman I would say that if you intend to be with your girlfriend any longer you should go. And if you hate to spend the money to go to a stranger's wedding, then make a "weekend away" out of it. Not only will your girlfriend thank you for going with her to the wedding, but throw in a little romance and she might make the trip worth the money...nudge nudge.
In other words, my girlfriend is a prostitute. This is probably closer to the truth than I'd like to admit.
Hmm. Actually both options sound ok. If you want to go go. Spending a little time in Seattle sounds pretty cool.
OTOH, she asked you, so unless she really can't afford it, it's tacky of her not to pay.
Well, there has been a precedent set with you paying for her ticket on past trips. Any way you could break up the costs so both of you could save face? Maybe you could pony up for the ticket if she got the hotels and/or food. Careful about the advice from "M.O.I."....never accept a "pay for play" situation.
When the girl that you are seeing hits you up about the wedding, no matter what the situation, you need to first respond by tipping your head while smiling and chuckling and say: “Hell no. I don’t want to go to a fricken wedding.” (Make sure it’s light and not in a serious tone.)
You say this even if you really want to go.
One of Dave’s golden rules of dating is: If you are a challenge, she’ll think you are a challenge, and she will make it a personal challenge to try to be good enough for you.
If you are easy, she has no challenge and without the challenge, knows that she can do better than you. Remember that!
She’ll say: “Why not?”
You’ll say: “I don’t know. Why would I want to go to a wedding of someone that I don’t know? I don’t even like going to weddings of people I do know.” (Smiling, still keeping it light. In fact try to not make any eye contact through your responses; it will keep it less serious.)
She’ll say something like: “ It would be a good chance for us to spend time together.”
You laugh and say: “True, (pause for a second as if you were considering it.) And say: but can’t we just do that here?
This is where you need to really judge Her reaction.
If she gives up quickly without doing a little more coaxing, more than likely she is more into you paying for the ticket than you being her date, and she’ll move on to an easier target. Plus giving up that easy is going to be a strong clue that she isn’t in to you.
Just her asking you to pay for the tickets really raises a red flag for me. If she isn’t your wife and if you aren’t incredibly serious, and she is just a chick you are “seeing” and she is asking you to pay for her tickets. She’s probably just a user, and will use you until you are used up and move on. It may be a good time to kick her to the curb.
On the other hand if the girl is Hotter than you have ever dated and hotter than you will ever date and you want to get serious.
If she really wants you to go, she will continue with the badgering.
She will say something like: “Come on it will be fun.”
Now look her in the eyes, smile and play it out
Say: If you can give me 5 serious benefits that you will give me for going, I will seriously consider it, just because I want you to be happy.
She’ll start naming them off. After 2 benefits stop her, and tell her she will have to do better than that. Tell her to start over. She will start over and start giving you some good benefits.
You smile and say: "Now I like the way this is sounding. I think I will go.
She’ll smile, and give you a hug and say something like this will be fun I promise.
72% of the time she will not dare bring up having you pay. But if she does you laugh a loud fake laugh, smiling and say: “What? That’s a crappy deal! Not only do you want me to go with you to a wedding of someone I don’t know, but also you want me to pay for the tickets?
She’ll get quiet for a second.
If this chick is a Hot and you really want to take the whole relationship to the next level, smile and say: “I’ll take care of it. Not because I want to but because I want to see the look on the brides face when you walk in to the wedding and she doesn’t look as pretty as you.”
She will give you a big hug and there you have it.
If the chick’s a dumb broad and you don’t see it going anywhere tell her you’ll go if she will pay for it.
If that girl is Hot and everything you want in a woman this is an excellent opportunity for you.
There is nothing like spending time out of each of your elements together. A trip like this can help build a lasting bond. You are going to a wedding. This chick is going to be thinking wedding the whole time, and she will be judging you and imagining the possibility of the two of you together. If you can pull off your best self for a few days by being nice, funny, and enjoyable to be around, the idea of you being her one and only will not only stick in her mind but it will give you the reigns and a wildcard.
And if you choose, 89.5 % of the time she will eventually be your wife.
Good luck my friend.
Dave
wow.
dave's got them statistics down :P
Further proof that Dave needs his own advice column.
i know that if you told me you'd have to kill me, but i'd love to know where you get those percentages. another good one Dave.
D#1fan-The only reason that I will allow you to refer to yourself as Dave's #1 fan is because you are Daves only fan.
Echowood-Just waiting on the paperwork.
Entantao-Thank you, the percentages come from an algorithm that I developed through many years of professional study. Unfortunately, the algorithm is highly confidential due to the accuracy of the percentages. Generally you can count on my numbers to hold an accuracy of +/-.05% which is pretty damn good.
If the algorithm got into the wrong hands it could be a huge disaster.
WE want Dave for our advice column!
Seriously.
And why does anyone want to comment on the topic before Dave? I only want to hear from Dave. Long Live Dave!
But Dave's genius is all the more impressive by comparison.
U.M.- I think it is good that people comment before me. Some advise is good and some advise is bad. I think it helps all of us to hear it from each other. It makes it easy to differentiate between the good, the bad, and the Hell Yeah. The bad, we read and we say nahhh, I don't think so. The good, we read and say, Ahhhh, I guess that would work. And the Hell Yeah we read and it just makes awesome sense, and after we are done reading we laugh and yell out a big "Hell Yeah!"
Cheers to that Scaramouch! And an "Ahhhhhh" to you too Dave!