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WoW'd
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Admittedly, I'm not the demographic for World of Warcraft. Unlike most of the players in the game, I frequently have sex with women... lots of women. Sometimes several at once. I've never been stuffed in a locker. My girlfriend often describes me as "virile," "outstandingly macho," and "sexually pleasing almost to a fault." I can hold lengthy conversations about politics, books, and business. Plus, I'm devastatingly good looking. You can understand my apprehension about diving into the world of Warcraft.

tirisfal_ybnby.jpgIt was shear curiosity that drove me to download World of Warcraft and use a 10 day free trial to explore the game. I'd seen the episode of South Park in which the main characters play the game and I was intrigued. I've never played an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game), nor have I played Dungeons & Dragons. But people are passionate about them and I needed to figure out why.

My interest was not solely just to understand the culture, but I also figured I could rule the land because of my outsider status. I'd have something going for me that the other players didn't. I'd be the cool guy, at least in their eyes. Someone they could look up to. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king!

nightelf_ybnby.jpgI was so wrong. World of Warcraft (WoW) isn't just a game, it's a culture. There are acronyms and nicknames that don't apply in the real world. I spent half my time getting called a "Noob" and the other half getting my ass kicked by 10 year-old kids in wheelchairs. I am not a god in the WoW universe, I'm a stooge, an outcast, and a joke. My manhood was called into question on several occasions, to speak nothing of the names thrown out about my mother.

I was afraid to talk to anyone for fear they'd make fun of my naivety. They'd see me for the fake that I am and the entire population would cast me out in the Veiled Sea, awash in my limited WoW intelligence. I couldn't assimilate with the culture. I couldn't hide among their ranks.

ironforge_ybnby.jpgI built my character and named him Marin after the Marin Headlands in San Francisco. Other people had names like DeezBallz or WhisperSwift, but I wanted something a bit more real. Something that said, "I've been outside. I enjoy the outdoors." In my attempt to enter into the world casually, a name like Marin wouldn't stand out too much. My character itself is a Night Elf. I chose that "race" because they looked cool and their eyes glow. I made my features as dark as possible, thinking I'd be able to sneak around and pick off people and creatures with my stealth like camouflaging ability. (I'd forgotten to account for my glowing eyes)

Once in the game, I spent about an hour just running around and trying to figure things out. Then a tiger killed me. Then he killed me again. And again. Next it was a green spider and some orc like creature. So I went online and read up on what the hell I was supposed to be doing. And then some jack-hole named HoBuster challenged me to a duel and beat the living shit out of poor Marin.

When my 10 day trial expired, so did my journey into Warcraft. There are places some people should never go. Maybe I'll never be a level 70. I may never raid a dungeon, nor browse the shops in IronForge. But I have touched boobies. And that's a trade-off I'm willing to make.

Here are some of the better (and funny) videos of World of Warcraft:
A player died (in the real world) and her "guild" arranged a funeral for her in the game. Sweet. Touching. But they broadcast it on a message board and another "guild" ambushed them. As tragic as it is, it's also hysterically funny to watch a bunch of video game characters lined up to pay their last respects get shot with lightning bolts and scatter.


Leeroy Jenkins is not only a classic World of Warcraft video, but a classic YouTube video.

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23 Comments

i've been a gamer since mario came out, have had almost all the mayor consoles and logged one thousands of hours in many RPGs and still i just cant see the appeal of playing games like this... at all the same goes to the RTS genre.

while the funeral thing is a bit funny the attackers are such a-holes

said etantao on June 4, 2008 10:40 AM.

My best friends and my bother have logged in months on WoW, it's an obsession. I've tried to play it, they've even made me a character, but damn do I hate it. I've tried and tried to like it, but I just can't. I don't know what it is.

Also, my friends are good-looking, sexually active, partying guys. They play with a lot of married couples too, so there is no nerdy WoW stereotype. Actually, if there is a stereotype, it's college kids because that's how they're able to play so often. However, there still are those cliched, geeky uglies. There is a WoW application on Facebook that allows you to view a person's picture/profile based on their WoW username; we have a hell of a time laughing at some of these hideous guys and girls (a large percentage of WoW players are female).

said Le Master on June 4, 2008 11:26 AM.

I dunno. By the way you keep describing yourself, you sound just like all the guys I've DATED who play WoW. And trust me, they've touched boobies and were virile and they all dinged level 70.

I can't get into WoW. I love gaming and especially RPGs, but in the WoW universe your only impetus to keep playing is to get more gear and items. That is not motivation to me at all. I'd rather be able to change the universe and have the raids and quests I went on actually mean something. I played WoW for about two months and got sick of the same old thing every time I played.

said Mattie on June 4, 2008 12:08 PM.

you begin with way too many assumptions about the player base of wow.

there are a lot of jackassess in the game, the ones that spam /duel at ya, the ones that do have stupid names, etc. wow is a very simple game to play. anyone with any sort of comprehension level could excel at the game. you have proven that you can't follow a simple instruction set in the ten days that you got. i truly feel sorry for you.

to the first poster: you spent countless hours in rpg games and console games, but you can't handle a multi player rpg?

to the second poster: very true, it is an obsession and can be difficult to part with. i play with a huge variety of people. from potheads, to hippie potheads, to college students, to military men, to married couples. (regarding the military - you can actually find an abundance of players in mmo's that are active in the military.)

said brett on June 4, 2008 12:15 PM.

Uh, it's satire folks. You know, jokes.

I think maybe we're taking this a little too seriously gamers.

said Johnny Wright on June 4, 2008 12:42 PM.

Well I've played WoW for alittle over a yr. I've touched boobies, I was never shoved in a locker nor wear glasses, I have sex every night. You just associate WoW with a very stereotypical nerd, when in fact alot of ppl that play are very successful and just do it in there free time. I feel that the only reason you stopped playing was cause you couldn't just walk in and "nerd" give you everything cause in your eyes your "cool" but when someone treats you like you have treated ppl in the past you don't like it and run. So how does it feel when the "nerd" trump you?

said Tom on June 4, 2008 12:43 PM.

Let's just get this out of the way: You're a contributor on a blog. Yeah, that's a real class of sex-machine toughie right there... Casting aspersions towards any other 'net subgroup smacks of more than a little lack-of-self awareness, even setting aside the obvious exaggeration for comedic effect.

Beyond that...really? 10 pass and all your can muster up is the same tired old cliches about gamers and virgins? I mean, I'm all about the easy joke but there should be a limit on how lazily you can half-ass as joke review.

But by all means, if you're unwilling to afford WoW even the modicum of serious thought then by all means, keep on playing Halo and leave WoW to those of us who have found its charms.

said alphamonkey on June 4, 2008 12:53 PM.

Step 1: Lightly insult something many people love.

Step 2: Add gasoline like questioning their sexual prowess.

Step 3: Put it on the web and enjoy as people trip over themselves to defend themselves and flame the author.

For the record, I don't "think" I'm cool. I know I'm cool. My mother tells me this each night she tucks me in.

said Echowood on June 4, 2008 1:12 PM.

Trolls are supposed to commenters not contributors, Echowood. For the record, I'm not flaming you: I'm flaming your half-assed retread pass at a joke review that even MadTV writers would balk at.

said alphamonkey on June 4, 2008 1:24 PM.

Considering I'm a female, you didn't insult my sexual prowess. You just used tired old jokes instead of writing something truly interesting and/or satirical. No one flamed you. No one agreed with you, though. I wasn't aware that disagreeing with an author and stating that disagreement as well as criticism was flaming...

said Mattie on June 4, 2008 3:01 PM.

You had a bad experience because you played WoW.

Try Everquest 2 if you want a completely different experience.

WoW is full of immature assholes, believe me.

said Kyelesa on June 4, 2008 3:10 PM.

Yeah, I'm one of them.

Except I don't play WoW. Other than that, I totally fit Kyelesa's profile.

said Don't Swayze Bro on June 4, 2008 3:22 PM.

I have to say this is pretty comical.
Echowood, you have to realise that the whipping boy wounds run deep.
This post probably brought back a lot of harsh memories for many people. Memories of getting atomic wedgies, thrown in lockers, and multiple female denial throughout thier school years. That was a time that they discovered fantasy. They would retreat to thier 45 year old dungeon master's parents basement to escape into to that world that they had the balls to dump imaginary potions on each other.

I would like to address the WOW children:

Mattie: First let me make it clear that I know that your real name is Matthew. Second I would like to clarify that touching the a computer screen while visiting your favorite transexual porn site does not qualify as "touching boobies".

Brett: A French soldier does not qualify for the term "active in the military".

Tom: Touching your buddy Wendel on his man boobs does not count as "touching boobies" either, furthermore any man that is truly sexually active would know better that to make the claim that he has sex every night. Finally, if I were a betting man I would bet that you define, "stereotypical nerd". You gave that away when you used the word "trump" to refer to an ass whipping.

Alphamonkey: Thank you for contributing to the blog today. I truly believe that you truley are the badass of WOW. I have never played WOW, but I believe with you on my team, I could truly make it beyond level 10.
You, Alphamonkey with your sorcerers stone and goblet of fire are truly an inspiration. Young pattowan (is that how you spell it?) you have passed the first test and so, no longer will you go by the name of Alphamonkey. I now dub you with a new name. You will forever, in blogspace be known as: Spankthemonkey.

WOW'rs remember this is just a funny little blog. I don't think that Echowood meant to hurt your feelings. I love you all very much any hope that the world of fantasy treats you well, even though real life hasn't.


said Dave on June 4, 2008 3:53 PM.

Dave: Um. My real name is Meagan. I am a female. I was popular in school and not picked on. I never said I touched any boobies, although I've touched many a pair. You're an ass and a jerk. I made it clear that I was female.

said Mattie on June 4, 2008 3:56 PM.

Jeez everybody...When I see a post titled "WOW'd" I'm thinking Opie & Anthony and girls flashing their assets. I really have to update my acronyms.

said Baierman on June 4, 2008 4:13 PM.

Good stuff!

"Second I would like to clarify that touching the a computer screen while visiting your favorite transexual porn site does not qualify as "touching boobies".

Thanks a bunch Dave, I don't try to ruin your fantasies.

said E on June 4, 2008 4:18 PM.

"And trust me, they've touched boobies and were virile and they all dinged level 70."

Dinged level 70? Is that what they are calling it these days?

said E on June 4, 2008 4:20 PM.

I'm gone for a few hours, and the entire comment section blows up? If this is how it's going to be, I'll be bringing in supervision while I'm gone.

Let's get a few things straight. I am an asshole. This isn't even up for debate. I like it when people trip over curbs, sometimes I fart and blame it on others, and I look forward to the Special Olympics highlight reel each year for all the wrong reasons. But what most people failed to realize is that the post wasn't really about making fun of people playing WoW (sure, there were a few jabs) but more about a cocky self-assured guy thinking he'd rule the game with his vast "coolness." As was pointed out clearly (paragraph 4, sentence 4) I was reduced to a bumbling idiot. So, in bringing out the sweeping generalizations of online gamers, I used it to illustrate the juxtaposition between who I thought played online video games and my own shortcomings as an individual.

Finally, I do write for a blog. Yes, the stereotypes associated with these types of authors are generally negative and I probably fit into 75% of those. (By "those" I mean the ones involving having the ability to lift giant objects with my huge penis.) And as AlphaMonkey correctly pointed out, I'm lazy. This is not news. I've fallen asleep masturbating before. My jokes are recycled. My thoughts are rarely my own. And I'd happily claim credit for painting the Mona Lisa if that dick Da Vinci didn't have such a good PR team. Plus, who knew you couldn't comment on your own posts? Where's a rulebook when you need one?

So, in closing, let's all relax a bit. Go back into the world (real or virtual) and spread some joy. Plant a tree. Touch a boob. Touch two. And take comfort in knowing we can agree that all fans of Harry Potter are fucking toolboxes.

said Echowood on June 4, 2008 4:32 PM.

That reminds me of my favorite television show: "Touched by an Angler."

Thanks for the inspiration, Echowood!

PS - WoW rules u suck, h8r.

said Don't Swayze Bro on June 4, 2008 5:40 PM.

Matti,
I'm sorry for giving you a hard time. I rarely ever take blogspace seriously and razz people just to razz them.
I have no personal problem with anyone involved in WOW or anyother role playing games especially you.
I wrote what I wrote because I thought it was clever, not meaning to hurt any feelings. Just in good fun.
I don't doubt that you are a wonderful lady and have to say that Meagan is a pretty name. Much prettier than Matti.
I would imagine that you not only carry a pretty name but a pretty face as well.
I'm sorry for being an ass and a jerk.


Best Regards and my apologies.

Dave

P.S. Just curious, what did you mean by "although I have touched many a pair" please expound.


E- I apologise for de-legitimizing your fantasy. I didn't mean that either.

Echowood- The Harry Potter remark hurt. It really hurt.


said Dave on June 4, 2008 6:06 PM.

Wow (hehehe)......thank god I have a life unlike those people that feel like they can hide behind the anonimity of the internet and post degrading messages about those loser WOW players and how great boobies really feel.........oooh...guess I joined the ranks of the other commenters now......I'm going to go cry while I play with my 20 sided dice. *sniff, sniff*

said Bigus Dickus on June 5, 2008 11:30 AM.

O.O

a wow article????

well, yeaaaaa i played wow too. got to lvl 70 w/ a tauren druid in the top pvp server, tichondrius (char name: madsim). unlike you, i was a god :P

i just sounded very nerdy didn't i.... -.-

but i quit a while back. the game became more of a chore than a hobby... spent hella time in it tho.

there's a lot of assholes who play wow, but also a lot of kind people out there too. if i was in your shoes tho, i wouldn't give wow another chance. MMORPGs kill people = /

said simon on June 13, 2008 6:29 PM.

I shaved my legs tonight!

said Jeni Gump on June 29, 2008 7:34 PM.
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