It's difficult to know exactly when the moustache came into being. Anthropologists say that there are examples of sharpened stones that were most likely used for shaving from Neolithic times. Perhaps there were some rebels and forward thinkers who strutted through the village with a early version of a stache. We don't know. The first known image of a moustachioed gentleman is portrait of a Scythian horseman in 300 B.C.

The full beard dominated the facial hair landscape for quite some time. The stache was somewhat of a novelty. Mostly owned by military men.

During the 1800's the moustache seemed to gain a massive jump in popularity. Maybe because of the advent of photography it seems more evident than it was, but the stache adorned the mug of many prominent individuals for the next 200 years or so.

Great thinkers such as Friedrich Nietzsche, Francis Bacon (though that was sometimes a goatee) and Rene Descartes. Old West lawmen and gunfighters such as Wyatt Earp, Pat Garrett and Bat Masterson. Literary giants Rudyard Kipling and Mark Twain had moustache's as a part of their persona. Hell, even Teddy Roosevelt, one of our greatest Presidents, rocked a Hall of Fame stache.

Into the 1920's, the moustache remained as solid as Gibraltar. A cross section of society from oil tycoons to dirt farmers leaned towards a "pencil-thin moustache." As talked about in the Jimmy Buffett tune. The most famous person in the world - other than Mickey Mouse, of course - was Charlie Chaplin. His character, The Tramp, well, you know what he looks like.

Now the stache had a few hiccups. A speed-bump in the form of the ruthless dictators and commies. Rat bastards. Obviously Adolph Hitler was the most prominent offender and had the most prominent upper lip toupee. There was also Joseph Stalin, Francisco Franco and Hideki Tojo. Dark times for the moustache. Dark times indeed.

We saw a decline in popularity during the very formal 30's and 40's. Men wore suits and fedoras to the beach for crying out loud. It was a simpler time. A clean shaven time. I love the old pictures of vacationing families at the Grand Canyon and the father has a suit on.

The smelly hippies began to lead the counter culture charge in the mid 60's and the stache came along for the ride. Musicians of the era began proudly sporting them. Like Jimi Hendrix and Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. The moustache was coming back. A resurgence was happening.

In the 1970's the moustache was as big as cocaine. You could chuck a rock in Central Park and hit two people with a stache. One with the initial hit, another with the ricochet. Everybody had one. Businessman, teachers (such as my father), accountants, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. Was there a man getting more tail during that era that Burt Reynolds? Of course there wasn't. Maybe Robert Plant, but that's about it.

The stache was a part of the 70's uniform. Along with the bellbottom trousers, platform shoes, denim shirts and Pet Rocks. The moustachioed man was the model of manliness. It meant a guy was masculine and cool.

After a renaissance and rebirth, the stache took some big time hits. During the late 70's and 80's, the serial killer was on television.

The poor moustache. In just ten short years, it went from adorning the faces of movie stars and professional athletes to being prominently featured on the mugshot of John Wayne Gacy. And Jeffrey Dahmer. And Gary Ridgeway, "The Green River Killer." It seemed whenever a sexual predator or pedophile was featured on America's Most Wanted, they inevitably sported a now creepy looking moustache along with their pegged jeans, white high-top sneakers and fanny packs.

How did this happen so quickly? How did the moustache go from the epitome of cool to close association with Chester Molester and guys with mullets and plumber's butts? The moustache fell from grace faster than Michael Richards.

When Jesse Jackson ran for president in 1984, I believe his failed campaign had less to do with being African American and calling New York City "Hymietown," and more to do with the fact that in that era, America would not trust a Commander in Chief with a moustache. I wasn't going to happen. Bigotry, I tell you.

There are some that are steadfastly sticking with the moustache no matter what society says. They are Mexicans and cops.

I have a theory about each group.

The Policeman Moustache Theory: I believe that 75% of cops over the age of forty have a stache. It may be a requirement in a manual somewhere.

The Mexican Moustache Theory: I believe that 85% of men who are of Mexican decent have some form of moustache. That number may be a tad low. When I was living - and dying - in Los Angeles a couple years ago, I would count in my head when I was in line at the grocery store or at the bank. Three out three, three out of four, four out of five... I would count up the stache's in all their glory and calculate the percentage on my cell phone calculator. The number was always over 80%.

(SIDENOTE: I wish I knew how to run an abacus. Then I could have pulled it out of my pocket while figuring out the moustache percentage's while in line at Smiths. It would have been awesome. I think.)

We have entered a time where the only acceptable form of stache is that of one that is ironic in nature. Like Rivers Cuomo's from Weezer seems to be right now.

There is also the moustache used for comedy sake. As funny as Reno 911 is, I don't think Travis Junior and Jim Dangle would be as hilarious with a clean upper lip. Moustache's are funny. It's fact. Recently Stephen Colbert lampooned Bill O'Reilly's leaked Inside Edition meltdown. (Which was a gift from the comedy gods, by the way. One of the funniest clips I have ever seen.) Colbert donned an turtleneck cravat and a bad moustache to portray himself as an up and coming local news anchor. Without that cheesy stache, the funny is cut in half.



I have decided there is a need to create a Moustache Hall of Fame. I am currently in negotiations for a piece of land in Hot Coffee Mississippi. The gift shop is going to be amazing. Mark Twain will be named Honorary Chairman.

Each inductee will have a bronze bust of themselves on display and will receive a custom tweed sport coat with suede elbow patches.

Other than the gentleman we have already discussed - they are all easy first ballot entries - these are the inaugural inductees.

The Moustache Hall of Fame Class of 2008:

Pancho Villa and Emiliano Zapata - Perhaps the Mexican community keeps their strong stache tradition going as a tribute to these two luminaries. It's possible.

Yosemite Sam - I think his whole face is a moustache. The damn thing nearly touches his toes.

John Henry "Doc" Holliday - The gentleman gambler and former dentist died of tuberculosis in 1887. I believe that without the power of his stellar handlebar moustache, he would have died seven years earlier. It kept him going like a magical talisman.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - Scotland's own may have possessed the greatest stache of all time. In addition, he wrote some books about a guy named Sherlock Holmes.

Zorro - The main reason I wasn't a big fan of the Antonio Banderas film was that they took away the pencil thin facial accessory. Zorro has a moustache. Period.

Jack White as Zorro - During the "Get Behind Me Satan" period, Jack was really bringing his A-game with that stache. A sight to behold.

Dick Dastardly - Maybe not the brightest criminal mastermind, but you have to respect the guys tenacity. He never stopped trying to stop that pigeon.

Wild Bill Hickok - Bill was reputed as one of the fastest guns in the West. You know why? Moustache.

Golda Meier

Rollie Fingers - In the Oakland A's clubhouse during the 70's they had sunflower seeds, bubble gum, chewing tobacco, eye black, pine tar and moustache wax.

Others receiving votes that will be eligible for induction next year:

Borat Sagdiyev, Goose Gossage, George Harrison during the 70's, Hulk Hogan, Frida Kahlo, Groucho Marx, Ulysses Everett McGill, Adam Morrison, Grover Cleveland, Salvador Dali, Tom Selleck, Albert Einstein, Ned Flanders, most of the Village People, Sam Elliott, Derek Smalls and John Bonham.

Other than well known celebrities and historical figures, there are everyday Joe's that are just as important to the cause. Especially those that compete in Moustache Competitions and those that have the discipline to vie for "World's Longest Moustache" in the Guinness Book of World Records. They are the real heroes.

Earlier this year I had a winter beard cooking. A real beauty. The time came where I was going to shave it off. But before I did, I decided to trim up a fu Manchu stache to see how it went. Other than scaring a few children and being tailed by the To Catch a Predator crew, it was a rousing success. I was sad when she had to come off. I actually wrote a tribute to her and sent it out to my family and friends.

I swear on a stack of Bibles, this is the email I sent out:

I am sad to report that my totally rockin' handlebar 'stache is no more. She has gone the way of the dodo. Shaved off and washed down the sink.

*single tear*

I will miss that moustache. I felt that it was a part of me. Oh, well, I know that it technically was a part of me, being on my face, but I mean metaphorically part of ... never mind.

Some last thoughts about her demise;

Like Edgar Allen Poe, she was not appreciated in her own time.

Like spring loaded PEZ dispensers, she brought joy too countless millions.

Like River Phoenix, she was gone before her time. Struck down in the prime of life.

Like midgets and monkeys, she was hilarious.

Like that weird song in "Titanic," my moustache's heart will go on.

And so, fair, borderline inappropriate, fu Manchu moustache, we bid thee farewell. May you sleep peacefully and may you return soon.

There are hipsters that are already sporting ironic moustache's. The movement has begun. It's going to be a grass routes campaign.

Let's bring back the moustache. Her prestige deserves to be resurrected. Her glory returned. We are reclaiming the stache from the degenerates that have given her a bad name. Like Mouth in the "Goonies" taking the pennies from the bottom of the well. "I'm taking 'em back. I'm taking 'em all back."

Bring the stache back gentleman and a few of you ladies.

Together we can.



(Editors Note: No moustaches were harmed or shaved during the writing of this column.)