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The iPhone Factor 3(G)
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This is part three in my iPhone Factor series, in which I see if I can get laid purely through owning an iPhone. (Read Part I and Part II here.)

Steve Jobs is out to get me. Less than a year of owning the most sought-after mobile device and he releases a brand new one on me. A better one. A cheaper one!? No longer can I impress women with my gratuitous spending on slightly impractical gear. My iPhone is out of date. I'm no longer "with it". And with the new price, everyone will own one now.

I figure I have about a month left before the new iPhone hits the market. Probably not enough time to "get" with my allotted sum of 63* women. Trust me, I could do it if I tried. Whipping that sleek and powerful device out in a crowded room is bound to make several women weak at the knees. But that's about 2 women a day I'd need to bang in order to hit my goal. Keep in mind I have to work, sleep, go to Pilates, play GTA 4, spend hours writing highly detailed and well-researched articles for YBNBY, and feed my cat. There's just not enough time to meet that high number.

Now, I could afford the new iPhone. With my lucrative YesButNoButYes salary, I could afford 15 of these things and still have money left over for some Gray's Papaya. But it's the principle involved. I shouldn't have to buy a new one. I should be given one. Mr. Jobs should recognize the marketing effort I've put forth on this blog to popularize his newest creation. Without me, the iPhone would be relegated to an obscure position in technology history. Right up there with the Edsel.

I have single-handedly made famous the iPhone and I should reap the sexual benefits. The only way for me to "get it on" after July 11th is with the aid of the brand new iPhone 3G. Wait... that sounded bad. Shit. How about this: the only way for me to continue this experiment is to have the most up-to-date iPhone. The one I have now has the brushed metal backing, and the ladies will be looking for the glossy black/white backing come July.

Plus, with the new price, even poor people will be able to afford it. How will I be able to differentiate myself from the teaming masses? How will the ladies know that I come to play? Apple should send me a limited edition titanium iPhone**. One that can travel through time and/or cook a bean burrito.

*This number was calculated using highly scientific methods. Highly scientific.
**If Apple does come out with a Titanium iPhone capable of time travel and cooking burritos, please remember this post and be a witness during my litigation to get some sweet Apple cash.
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41 Comments

We could all pitch in and get you some Titanium spray paint.

According to Einstein you are currently traveling in time.

If you get a Dell battery for your IPhone you could cook a bean burrito.

Explosively.

Problem solved.

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 12:32 PM.

We could all pitch in and get you some Titanium spray paint.

According to Einstein you are currently traveling in time.

If you get a Dell battery for your IPhone you could cook a bean burrito.

Explosively.

Problem solved.

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 12:32 PM.

I just took a minute to click back on your other IPhone articles and to say the least was very entertained. In fact I may even go back and read them again.
As the self proclaimed best looking, wisest, chickmagnetest, and toughest reader of YBNBY I have decided to take your predicament into some thoughtful consideration.
Unfortunately the Iphone is like an Aerosmith love song. It captures what a man feels and it sounds good. So good to the point that when it comes time to throw in a little mood music we as men use it, only to find that it just doesn't pull the rabbit out of the hat like Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight" does.
However, if used with a little skill and the right timing Aerosmith can be your marked deck of cards.
Though not the most effective tool for hooking up, with a little skill and the right timing, the IPhone can be your golden ticket. It's just going to take a little more than sitting down at a club and google earthing someones house.
Youv'e got a month. Dig deeper because there is are ways for the IPhone to work. Trust me, don't give up, and don't buy the new IPhone until you accomplish your goal.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 1:38 PM.

How many is are ways is are there?

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 2:18 PM.

Mmmm, Gray's Papaya hot dogs.

said Johnny Wright on June 10, 2008 2:40 PM.

There is are no wayz
for traiwaze
to playze
with his Fayze.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 3:08 PM.

I swear that last comment just got edited.

It should have read:

There is are no wayze
for trailwaze
to get playze
with his fayze.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 3:15 PM.

JDub, have you ever had a bahama Mama Hotdog?
Fricken goooooood.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 3:16 PM.

Comin' from back in the daze

it will be the new craze

so walk out a' da maze

and get with it Davz

'Cause these is are his wayz.

Wordz

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 3:18 PM.

Bahama Mama hot dog, you say?

I'm intrigued.

said Johnny Wright on June 10, 2008 3:24 PM.

My Wordz smash and confuze

Designed to bruze

You'll only loze

Can you come up with a clever ruze

Or is are you only destined for abuze

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 3:32 PM.

Trailwaze, mother of ass buddy, mother of ass.

Johnny, Yes the Bahama mama, you must try it.

http://www.schmidtsbahamamama.com/bahamamama.htm

As good as a dog gets.


said Dave on June 10, 2008 3:40 PM.

My writing is poor
and I'm bad with a comma
I'll be nice to you Trail
Cuz I banged yo mamma.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 3:53 PM.

LOL, that was pretty good pilgrim
Check this

I’m gonna make you cry home to mamma

Like Hillary conceding to Barack Obamma

Gonna make you ride a llama

All the way through the gates of Valhalla

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 3:57 PM.

I like this one better :-)

Is are you hearing me clear

Is are you quaking in fear

You've been surpassed by your peer

I'm like headlights focused on a deer

Dave's time is near

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 4:00 PM.

Tryin' to get silly yo
what the dillyo?
Pour some milk on me
'cause I got a hole in my head like a Cherrio.

(Yes, I'm white)

said Echowood on June 10, 2008 4:01 PM.

Hehe, that's funny

Try this

Here comes Echowood

Straight from the 'hood

Boy thinks he's good

His whiteness is are understood

I'm white too

Not grey or blue

But I'm still here busting rhymes just for you

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 4:08 PM.

Fuck this, I'm moving back to Connecticut.

said Echowood on June 10, 2008 4:10 PM.

Trailwaze mouth is very slick
throwin rhym out as he goes
Like a pistol thats his trick
every cock he gets he blows.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 4:11 PM.

I hear New London is nice this time of year. And they have a big nuclear sub pen also! You can go see the USS Nautilus, the first nuclear submarine.
Connecticut, closer than you think!

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 4:16 PM.

LOL. Ooooo, Davey has dirty mouth

This is are just the start of Dave's woes

I keep throwing the blows

Knocking him down like a pimp smackin hoes

No matter where he goes

He always knows

That the smell around him is that of a brown nose

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 4:21 PM.

I know that last rhym
was a little bit much
your like a handicapped kid
after stealing his crutch

You hobble a wobble
throwin weak ass licks
at home on the net
while your wifes turning tricks

You might as well quit
before I make you sad
by breaking the news
that I is are your dad.


said Dave on June 10, 2008 4:22 PM.

DAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNN!

said Echowood on June 10, 2008 4:31 PM.

I could come down to your level
rub my face in the dirt
Be like a foster kid
actin out cause his feelins is are hurt
I hear at the gay bar you is are quite the flirt
Always gropin up some queens skirt

Your mad cause my rymes are ill
Much better than your gutter swill
Like a hoe chasin a dolla bill
Take a ritalin and chill

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 4:31 PM.

What happened on here today?

said Johnny Wright on June 10, 2008 4:36 PM.

What time do they let your school out
four or five?

You keep pullin kiddy crap just to stay alive

Want to play a grown up game
Change your name to Shirley and put on a dress

It suits you like a pair of fake breasts

You been put through a test
I have some binanca for the shit on your breath

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 4:38 PM.

I started it by picking on Dave for this gem of a sentence

"Dig deeper because there is are ways for the IPhone to work. Trust me, don't give up, and don't buy the new IPhone until you accomplish your goal."

The "is are" combo was funny. So I asked this:

"How many is are ways is are there?"

Then we somehow got into a battle. I'm having a good time. Seems like Dave is are also.

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 4:41 PM.

That last one made me laugh

I'm sorry dog
my office is hot
the A/C is broke
and pleasant I'm not.

I think I'll quit here
before I make you feel bad
I aint done your mom
and I'm sure not your dad

I take back what I said
about how you can blow
I don't think we'll see you
in a western gun show.

I'll throw in the towel
before I take it too far
plus,I can't take your white rapping
It's way under par.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 5:02 PM.

I mean is are over par.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 5:06 PM.

I accept your surrender gracefully with the knowledge that I have met a true slander artist. Thanks for the game, it was fun. One more for the road and then I'm done.

.........0
.........0
.........0
......oooo
......oooo o
.......ooo

You keep makin fun
But you is are like a dog that has the runs
You shit out crap by the ton

Your bowels strain
Leaving behind a stain
And a memory of pain

You wanted to play this game
Your crap is are all the same
Lame

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 5:15 PM.

Slow day at the office boys?

said Echowood on June 10, 2008 5:19 PM.

I finished all my work by 11am. I had a couple of teleconferences. Yep, slow day indeed.

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 5:26 PM.

What a dork.

I'll have to admit the bird was as good as I have seen here at YBNBY though

and you wrote:

"Your bowels strain
Leaving behind a stain
And a memory of pain"

That brought a tear to my eye, it was like reading Emily Dickinson.

0
0
0
0000
000000
00

said Dave on June 10, 2008 5:34 PM.

Not as slow as I would like
thats why I had to throw in the towel.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 5:35 PM.

Harold Gladney.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 5:48 PM.

That is the first time anybody gave me the pinkey.

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 5:55 PM.

Wood shop accident.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 6:11 PM.

So, uh, yeah. I like, bought this iPhone and it's out of date and I'm sorta worried that I won't be able to get chicks because, like, it's old and stuff.

said Echowood on June 10, 2008 6:18 PM.

Sorry bro. We got to battle rapping and I got served, and now lets tackle your problem. What are you going to do? You have got a month.

said Dave on June 10, 2008 6:24 PM.

What condition is it in? What widgets do you run? Have you considered wiping it and running lynix? What about case customizations?

Depending on what kind of chick you are looking to catch, there are a verity of things you could do.

Get your super geek on here:
http://developer.apple.com/iphone/

Article covering same as above:
http://www.webware.com/8301-1_109-9964401-2.html

This is an app my friend has on hers. Its pretty cool:
http://www.apple.com/webapps/socialnetworking/floortweknowwhatyourethinking.html

Hypnotize the ladies with this one:
http://www.apple.com/webapps/entertainment/imagiceyeillusionportalbyjirbo.html

Themes seem popular:
http://superfluousbanter.org/archives/2007/09/customize-your-iphone-summerboard/
Or:
http://code.google.com/p/customize/

CaseCase customization seems ixnayed, but I am sure with a little ingenuity you could bling it up fresh like.

Hope this helps.

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 7:03 PM.

Of course you could just try talking to them. Ask open ended questions and keep them talking about themselves. Avoid common pitfalls like past relationships, politics and family. If this is too much work, get a plane ticket to Nevada and use that credit card. (kidding! :-)

said Trailwaze on June 10, 2008 7:07 PM.
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