I cannot resist a good monkey story. I am drawn to them like a shark to a bucket of chum. Like the story last week of a monkey operating a robotic arm with it's brain. That amazed me.Monkeys crack me up, always have. Especially when they blow raspberries or work with an organ grinder. Put a funny hat or glasses on a chimp and I'll laugh. Have them smoking a cigarette and I'm the floor. How about a monkey washing a cat? I could laugh so hard that a little pee might come out. Monkey washing a cat, good times.
I recently heard a monkey story that a had to look into.
I preface this little tale by saying that I haven't exhausted all my journalistic skills here. Some of this may be apocryphal. But come on, I'm not Dan Rather - wait, bad example - I'm not Walter Cronkite. That's better. This is YesButNoButYes, our silly, rubbish blog, not The Washington Post.
It's my understanding that it is illegal to kill a monkey in India. This is in large part out of respect to the monkey god Hanuman. I'm sure that if I was Hindu, Hanuman would be my favorite god. Even more so than that elephant babe with the four arms. Since you cannot exterminate the little buggers, they run rampant. My buddy Joel spent some time in India and he had a book of monkey shagging pictures. They were boning everywhere and causing all kinds of mischief. Well, not all monkeys are as well behaved as Cheetah in the Tarzan films. There are monkey criminals. Stealing fruit from vendors, attacking tourists, throwing rocks at the kiddies, I think one robbed a bank with an AK-47, some bad monkeys.
Since there is not a monkey death penalty, the naughty apes are being sent to a monkey prison. Really. In Patiala, a city in the state of Punjab, there is a monkey hoosegow. It's hard to find a lot of details about it, there has been a few random articles, but apparently it does exist. The first inmate was a rascal that was biting shoppers in a local market. There are also stories of monkey gangs terrorizing students, stealing purses, defecating in water sources and taking over elevators. Those monkeys were going ... bananas! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Drive careful! You see what I did there was took bananas, a fruit monkeys love and used it as an action word to describe ... never mind... There are stories about monkeys being released for good behavior. I can see the little
guy sitting in front of the parole board like H.I. McDunnough in Raising Arizona. "Now Bingo, have you learned your lesson? Are you done taking dumps in the temple fountain? Yes? He's nodding his head I think. Okay, you're free to go." Since I couldn't find a whole lot of details, not even a picture, I do have some questions.
Who works at the monkey prison? Is there a warden? I would think that guard duty at the simian grey bar hotel would be appropriate punishment for inmates at a regular prison. You don't stuck in the hole for inciting a riot, you get sent to the monkey jail. You'd learn your lesson methinks. It would have to be crazy in there. A bunch of delinquent monkeys going nuts day after day. Chucking poo and wanking. Can't be a very desirable gig.
If there is only one jail in humongous India, are there prisoner transfers from other parts of the country? Maybe they fly them in once a month. Like a monkey version of Con Air. What happens to the baby monkeys that are born in the jail? Are they set free? It's not their fault their parents are convicted fruit thieves.
Speaking of fruit...
Are fruits and nuts used as currency like cigarettes in human prisons? It seems likely.
Has there been any escapes? For instance, hypothetically, let's say there is a banker monkey sent to the pokey for killing his wife. Except he didn't do it. Let's call the monkey, oh, I don't know, Andy. Andy has been incarcerated for a crime he didn't commit. He has been spending time with an orangutan who was busted for murder when he was a youngster. Let's call him, let me see, let me see, uh, Red. That's it. We'll call him Red. One day, the warden opens Andy's cell and he doesn't waddle out for roll call. The cell is empty. Andy has disappeared like a fart in the wind. The warden brings in Red to question him, even offers him three ripe bananas for information. Nothing. Silence. Red won't talk. In frustration, the warden chucks the bananas at the poster of Dr. Zira in a bikini hanging on the cell wall. The fruit flies through the poster, revealing a tunnel that has been used to escape to freedom.
A short time later, Red is released on parole and he meets up with Andy on the Malabar Coast. There the two former monkey ex-cons go to work restoring an old boat and running a monkey bed and breakfast.
It could happen. Before you read this you didn't believe there was a monkey prison.
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"silly rubbish blog"????
You sir are dead to me.
Self deprecation. Learn it. Use it.
I would seriously pay to spend 2 hours in the monkey prison.
Seriously.
You and me both, brother.
Put up some plexiglass so you don't get hit by a rouge turd, pop some popcorn and enjoy the show.
Monkey prison. Yes!
Although I'm pretty sure that by the time Andy had spooned his way to freedom, the poster would have changed from to its final version: Clint Eastwood in Any Which Way But Loose.
In fact, I'm certain:
The poster order went:
Fay Wray to
Bonzo to
Dr. Zira to
Clint Eastwood
Thankfully falling just short of BJ, and, by the grace of God, well short of Bubbles and Dunston.
When I was in Deli a few months ago I was able to see the monkey business first had. They. Are. Everywhere. They are in the trees, on the cars, on the people, in your hotel room (REALLY!). I had one drinking out of a coke I left by the bed. The little bugger opened the door and helped him(her?)self. Have you ever tried chasing a monkey in your boxers with a towel? They are mean and have no fear of their larger cousins. They had signs all over (in broken engrish) warning us to beware of the monkies! On the plus side, hotel management gave me a free coke for my trouble. The funny little man that came up to the room with it could not stop laughing. (I figure this is because I recanted the entire episode to the front desk)
I'm happy I'm not the only one who finds this fascinating. Thanks for the story Trailwaze. Amazing.
Monkey in the hotel room?!? That's a real life Monty Python sketch. I would tell that story to strangers on the bus if it happened to me.
Another monkey related column will be coming in the next few weeks. I already have the notes, just need to write it.
You would not believe the mileage I have got out of that singular event.
Unfortunately, yelling Nei! at the monkey didn't do any good. I still can't fathom how it got into the room. I heard a bunch of noise and thought that someone had broken in. It took me about five minutes to get it out the door (which was closed) and onto the balcony. It sat there fat, dumb and happy and drank my coke, bearing its teeth at me every time I looked at it.
I am so happy the only primates we have here in the US are in zoos. I could not deal with what the Indians do on a daily basis.
Incredible, pal.
Thanks for reading.
NP. I really enjoy y'all site.
Is that where they put George Michals monkey to get it off of his back?