Something needs to be done. This homeless problem is getting out of hand. No longer can I sit on the sidelines and watch as the laws of humanity are crumbled bit by bit into a heaping mass of selfishness and despair. That's right, it's time to give homeless people some rules.
1. Animals in the Mix
I love animals. I love them almost as much as I love Fruit By the Foot, which is to say a lot. And I know that you may have found a stray eating from a sewer grate, but do you really need to use it in your marketing efforts. I know this works. Sick or hurt animals destroy me. Sick or hurt humans are funny. Just look at America's Funniest Home Videos and most episodes of Oprah. But you're obviously using them to get more cash. Why not bring them to a pound or shelter that might be able to get them a nice home to go to. If nothing else than get them healthy. Honestly, I can't help but think when seeing animals with homeless people that they're a few short days from rotating on a spit over a flaming trash can.
2. Singing on the Subways
Those white things in my ears? Those are called "headphones" and it means that I'm listening to some Kelly Clarkson. So when you shuffle down the subway car singing an off-key rendition of This Little Light of Mine, you're disrupting me mid-Since U Been Gone. What's more, you're forcing me to reach into my pocket, expend energy, and increase the volume. Thus, you're subjecting me to potential deafness. Why not get a milk carton, set it up in a high traffic area (Times Square, Columbus Circle, Rockefeller Center, etc...) and sing to your heart's content. Besides, tourists are suckers for homeless.
3. Fly South for the Winter
Winters in New York are horrible. I live in an apartment with heat and I hate them. They're gray, frigid, and long. If I weren't tied down by the trappings of having a job, and an apartment, and a family, and not being addicted to any illegal drugs, I'd get my ass on a train to San Diego. Have you ever been to San Diego? Good Christ, it's like they said, "Let's make the most beautiful weather imaginable, keep it like this all year round, and see how people like it." I know they still have freight trains. I'm sure there are a few open boxcars still wandering about. Do everyone a favor and make the change. Plus, you'd only be a few short miles from the Town of Kickass (aka: Tijuana!).
4. Make your Cardboard Sign Funny
Blah blah blah, I'm poor. We know. We could tell by the smell of urine and onions. You don't need a cardboard sign to announce that. But let's talk marketing for a minute. What's going to grab someone's attention? Definitely not being a Vietnam Vet. Shit, you want a homeless Vietnam Vet? I can get your six in under 20 minutes. Trying to get some cash to travel back to your parents in Ohio? Let me tell you how that reads: "The DTs are about to kick in if I don't get some smack soon." Make me laugh, be clever, and I'll definitely give you a dollar.
5. Not While I'm on the Phone
I'm very serious about this one. I'd say that, 70-90% of homeless solicitations come while I'm on the phone. It's as if my ability to pay a cell phone bill indicates I have a few extra bucks in my pocket to throw your way. But why interrupt me mid-sentence? If you want something from me, don't be rude about it. Wait for me to get off the line with Power 93 while I'm trying to throw down the Phrase the Pays. Afterward, I'll be much more inclined to consult you on this business interaction.
This message has been brought to you from Echowood: Going to Hell since '79!
I love animals. I love them almost as much as I love Fruit By the Foot, which is to say a lot. And I know that you may have found a stray eating from a sewer grate, but do you really need to use it in your marketing efforts. I know this works. Sick or hurt animals destroy me. Sick or hurt humans are funny. Just look at America's Funniest Home Videos and most episodes of Oprah. But you're obviously using them to get more cash. Why not bring them to a pound or shelter that might be able to get them a nice home to go to. If nothing else than get them healthy. Honestly, I can't help but think when seeing animals with homeless people that they're a few short days from rotating on a spit over a flaming trash can.
2. Singing on the Subways
Those white things in my ears? Those are called "headphones" and it means that I'm listening to some Kelly Clarkson. So when you shuffle down the subway car singing an off-key rendition of This Little Light of Mine, you're disrupting me mid-Since U Been Gone. What's more, you're forcing me to reach into my pocket, expend energy, and increase the volume. Thus, you're subjecting me to potential deafness. Why not get a milk carton, set it up in a high traffic area (Times Square, Columbus Circle, Rockefeller Center, etc...) and sing to your heart's content. Besides, tourists are suckers for homeless.
3. Fly South for the Winter
Winters in New York are horrible. I live in an apartment with heat and I hate them. They're gray, frigid, and long. If I weren't tied down by the trappings of having a job, and an apartment, and a family, and not being addicted to any illegal drugs, I'd get my ass on a train to San Diego. Have you ever been to San Diego? Good Christ, it's like they said, "Let's make the most beautiful weather imaginable, keep it like this all year round, and see how people like it." I know they still have freight trains. I'm sure there are a few open boxcars still wandering about. Do everyone a favor and make the change. Plus, you'd only be a few short miles from the Town of Kickass (aka: Tijuana!).
4. Make your Cardboard Sign Funny
Blah blah blah, I'm poor. We know. We could tell by the smell of urine and onions. You don't need a cardboard sign to announce that. But let's talk marketing for a minute. What's going to grab someone's attention? Definitely not being a Vietnam Vet. Shit, you want a homeless Vietnam Vet? I can get your six in under 20 minutes. Trying to get some cash to travel back to your parents in Ohio? Let me tell you how that reads: "The DTs are about to kick in if I don't get some smack soon." Make me laugh, be clever, and I'll definitely give you a dollar.
5. Not While I'm on the Phone
I'm very serious about this one. I'd say that, 70-90% of homeless solicitations come while I'm on the phone. It's as if my ability to pay a cell phone bill indicates I have a few extra bucks in my pocket to throw your way. But why interrupt me mid-sentence? If you want something from me, don't be rude about it. Wait for me to get off the line with Power 93 while I'm trying to throw down the Phrase the Pays. Afterward, I'll be much more inclined to consult you on this business interaction.
This message has been brought to you from Echowood: Going to Hell since '79!
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I think not nearly enough hobos are carrying their belongings around in a kerchief tied to the end of a stick any more, either. Sure, a plastic grocery bag might hold more, but I think people would appreciate that extra touch of Old World craftsmanship, and respond accordingly with their wallets.
The office of Mayor Bloomberg salutes you.
Valued Readers,
Please print this article, head to Kinkos and make 100 copies, then hand them out to the various tramps and bums in your town.
Spread the gospel. This is the Magna Carta for homeless behavior.
Yours in love and war,
Johnny Wright
Man... you should come to Copacabana Beach (Rio - Brazil) someday... If you're pissed up with what happens around you in NYC... You'd die there.
Not only they try to rape the shit off of you with sick/hungry/handicapped kids, but also we have lots of malabarists, dancers, and all you can think they might do to earn your bucks. (Not forgeting those who simply show you a blade or a firegun as an argument)...
Near the building I lived in Copacabana, there were families, around 10+ people AND pets... The rest you can figure out... Open area sex shows (not funny, really, all kind of intercourses you can figure, straight, homo, quiet, loud....), half a mile of stinking area, bum fights, trash can cookings, alcohol orgies...
All this in one of the most famous Brazilian 'post cards'... Under the cops noses.
The cherry on top of the cake? They aren't homeless... they live in one of the thousands slums around, but staying there they cant get tourist money, church soups and save the bus money (to buy alcohol and drugs)...
I wanted to kill one of them once... the 'lady' came to me demanding for my KFC bucket... as I said no, she commanded her daughter to try to steal-and-run. I had to push a little girl (my bad, but nobody steals my food) she fell on the floor, I got bad faces from the people that was walking around, but nobody would care about me if she had success on her theft.
"oooh... She's a poor kid, life turned her this way"
MY ASS!!! Ask me properly, I'd pay both a good meal. No joke. But I hate when homeless people come around demanding you to sustain them on what 'life didn't gave them because they are so unlucky poor care-needing people' as if it was MY fault.
We have readers at Copacabana Beach in Rio?!?
Is it like the nightclub? Are music and fashion all of the passion?
I bet they are. I bet music and fashion all of the passion.
JW
I lived ther for 2 years +/-...
Now I'm linving in Sao Paulo (the Brazilian Business Capital)...
But all you've heard about the hookers, and trannies is real... lol... They're free to work on the shore.
Beautiful place to spend some days, awfull for a daily living. Despite all the beauty of the beach, the sight of the Christ The Redeemer and the Sugar Loaf, you are surrounded by burglairs, whores (trannies included), bums, exploiters taxi drivers and some tourist traps...
When you come to Copacabana, first you have to get to know some HONEST guy/girl living there to help and guide you... Rio is very beautiful, but can be a trap if you turn on the wrong corner...
I don't want to make a bad advertising of the city... just want you to come here safely... ask me directions, I'll help you.
Hmm. I'm partial to honesty. A guy asks me for money to by liquor he's got a shot. Especially if polite. Need money for bus fare and you're on the same corner every day? Not likely. This E's no fool.
I'm on with you E.
Once I was drinking in an open air bar with some friends , and this guy came asking for 50 cents to buy 'cachaça'*... I asked the waiter to bring him a double in a disposable cup.
If he came asking money to by food, he'd got a denial... if you took him 5 steps from a fire source he'd get in 'spontaneous combustion'...
As I told before... be sincere, be kind... I have no trouble in sparing some bucks...
*You guys know cachaça? It's an alcohol drink from sugar cane. There are some brands as expensive as a good scotch, but some others you buy a liter for BRL $1,00 or US$ 0,63
We have cases of travelling people on bus depots who never leave the town, people wanting money to buy medicines with a 1997 recipee... It's a f*ing industry... the more people give, more beggars pop from the floor...
Where is Homeless Frank when you need him? I miss his rants on unicorns in central park, Twitney Spears, and Vietnam. Fucking turkey bone.
Leo, can I come visit? I've been to the club, but not it's namesake.
I was in Cancun in the late 90's with my parents and some family tried to sell us their kid. THEIR FUCKING KID! They fucking followed us back to our hotel and security there called the cops. My Mother and I were in tears watching the cops take the kid away from his family and since we didn't really know Spanish (I could oder a beer and ask for the bathroom) we didn't know what was going on. I still want to know what happened to him and I hope that his family got an ass beating of epic proportions.
Jeni, unfortunately here in Brazil you can see these sort of things too, but more often in the NorthWest of the country, where there the poorest part of the population lives. They do it to try and save some of their offspring. Can you imagine a family that lives with a budget of less than US$100.00 per month try to raise half a dozen children? Sometimes even the WHOLE DOZEN!!!
I'm not living in Copacabana anymore... But I can give you some advices if you decide so. And if you wish, you-ll be welcome here in Sao Paulo, where I'm living now.
Where the fuck is some government agency to protect these kids? Do you guys even have something along those lines?
Well, maybe wasting our taxes money on their own business... if we count sending money to the Bahamas as business, of course.
The Brazilian government gives an allowance to reduce poverty... they have a 'extra salary' for gas (cooking gas), food, school stuff and some others I can't remember and at some conditions.
But some politicians give those funds for friends, people who worked on their run to be elected, as a 'special thank you'... some frauds are found and the money stops coming in... but not always... And some families that really need the money get none...
That pisses me.
Insanity... I'm still catching up and I'll be writing you back today.
Oh, and 'That pisses me' should have been 'that pisses me off'
OK, thanks... I knew it, but I think I forgot writing it...