Last week, I wrote about a situation involving a treadmill, a hot girl, and flatulence. In that article, I was hoping for some social insight. Frequent commenter "Dave" came through in spades. So much so, that, according to Scaramouch, "we [should] give him seemingly impossible chat-up situations, and see how he'd handle them."Dave, consider this your first challenge.
My office has five bathroom stalls in the men's room. And usually, between the hours of 10-12, I schedule my "morning meeting" there. The bulk of my meeting is spent reading the New York Times, or in some rare cases, watching the second part of Return of the King on my iPhone. (It was a slow day). I have my go-to stall. The toilet is well suited to my bony ass, plus it's the second one in from the door. This leaves two incredibly private non-adjoining stalls for other men to do their business in. The bathroom is seldom occupied, often it's just me and Frodo trying to throw that ring into the pit of doom. But recently there's been an interloper.
As I stated, I'm almost ALWAYS in the second stall from the door. But over the past few weeks, someone has come in and used the stall closest to the door. It's very clear that I'm occupying stall #2, and yet this guy moves right to stall #1, completely forgoing the more private environs of #4 and #5. And, in the world of Larry Craigian bathroom antics, I'm beginning to wonder if someone in my office is trolling the men's room for their next congressional hard-on.
So Dave, or anyone else who might want to weigh in on this, what should I say next time? Do I say anything at all? Keep in mind this is someone I work with. In fact, it could be the CEO. I need to be polite, but at the same time exercise my concern over their stall choice. (To say nothing of their unfortunate gastrointestinal problems.)
As I stated, I'm almost ALWAYS in the second stall from the door. But over the past few weeks, someone has come in and used the stall closest to the door. It's very clear that I'm occupying stall #2, and yet this guy moves right to stall #1, completely forgoing the more private environs of #4 and #5. And, in the world of Larry Craigian bathroom antics, I'm beginning to wonder if someone in my office is trolling the men's room for their next congressional hard-on.
So Dave, or anyone else who might want to weigh in on this, what should I say next time? Do I say anything at all? Keep in mind this is someone I work with. In fact, it could be the CEO. I need to be polite, but at the same time exercise my concern over their stall choice. (To say nothing of their unfortunate gastrointestinal problems.)
Smuggle in a vial of concentrated hog manure and a mini-fan. When the stall 1 interloper arrives, simply crack open the vial, and start blowing the fumes through the crawl aperture.
It may take a few days for the issue to resolve itself. But the aversion therapy will eventually take hold.
easy solution.... print out an "out of order" sign to take in with you. Post it on stall one before you enter stall two. If the person comes in and uses stall three, then maybe you have a curious co-worker on your hands, but otherwise, it might help.
use the stall next to the wall. you decrease your "neighbor potential" by 50%
Put seat protectors down and remove the toilet paper from stalls 1 and 3. (That should give him a clue that something is wrong.) If the interloper still uses either stall, you have a problem. I would get up and leave as soon as he sits down. I wouldn't want to be around to witness how this dilemma gets resolved.
Just for grins, I would put all the extra toilet paper in the other stalls. If he goes to use the other stall, the message might be clear. Of course, if he takes one of those rolls and returns to stall 1, his reply will be clear as well.
Swayze: Excellent idea. Though, the manure smell may cause me some discomfort. Plus, I'm not sure bringing a fan into the bathroom is such a good idea. The last time I brought an electrical device into a bathroom, I lost all my memories from 1987-1991 and had to attend speech classes for five months.
Jesse: Very passive aggressive, which is my forte.
Jeff: I see where you're going. And this would make sense, yet I feel so at home in stall #2. Why should I change my ways because of someone else's issues?
Excellent advice. This gang knows their shit. Emily Post kiss my ass.
What if I came to work with you, hid in stall #1, and jacked the offending pooper with a sock full of pennies? Boom! Suck on copper punk!
You know, like the Cable Guy did to Owen Wilson in, uh, The Cable Guy.
Dave, we need your guidance.
Well, you could always deface stall #1 to make it less appealling. I'm thinking skyline chilli on the seat would scare the interloper away.
Or you could start grunting loudly and splashing the toilet water around a bit. Who wants to sit next to that? He'll start to recognize your shoes and stay away.
I have to say I like Jesse's idea, though. Quick, neat, and effective.
You could always go with the "wide stance" routine.
Wow, I'm honored at the challenge.
First let me submit that I consider bathroom stall business as sacred business.
There are certain unwritten rules when it comes to stall etiquette, and clearly this person has transgressed a major of one of the many major turdhouse commandments by camping next to a stall in use. Nobody wants to be close enough to smell someones re-incarnated Taco Bell south-western bacon chalupa. Not only that but it is incredibly disturbing to hear the flatulance and turd crackle as it exits the small intestine of someone elses bowel.
Because you may be in the presence of someone whom you are dependent of a paycheck you need to be very careful at how you handle the situation so here is my advise:
First everyone needs an Ice Breaker just to feel out the situation. A little humor can go a long way. Remember the person next to you is a man. I would guess that 99% of all men find taking a dump humorous so don't be afraid to go out on a limb.
I would suggest as the new neighbor sits down and gets comfortable you make a grunt pause and say "Yahtzee! " Not too loud, just loud enough for the person to hear it and listen. If he laughs you know you've got a good sport. Next give a deep groan and say out loud. "This isn't good." Now you strike up a conversation. Start off by saying: "How you doin' buddy?" The neighbor will give you a weak "allright" or something simliar. Groan again and say "oh man somethings not right". Groan again and say "ah, I think I'm dialated to a three!" Reach your hand under the stall wave your fingers and say "hold my hand and count with me while I breath and push."
99% of the time the person will just start laughing hurry and wipe and take off. As they are getting up say: "What no goodbye?, you felt like we were close enough to sit right next to me and make me listen to the turds crackle as they exited your rectum when there were perfectly good stalls not so close to me, where we both could enjoy a little privacy, and you won't even give me a little moral support?" The person will probably just laugh it off and leave.
Trust me they will think twice about sitting next to an occupied stall.
Now you may ask about the other 1% You will know that other 1% by the Yahtzee test that you performed. If that person didn't laugh you know you have found the minority. Don't do anything, wait until the next day.
The next day take a water bottle into the stall with you. After the person comes in and sits down, wait for the person to get comfortable, hold your open bottle close to the wall dividing the two of you. Grunt a little and start trickling the water to the floor. Make sure its enought to splash onto his shoes. After he notices it apologise. Say, "I'm really sorry sir, I've had an operation and this happens sometimes. It may not be a bad idea to sit a few stalls over next time." Say it super sincere and apologetic. This person is a serious person and will not give you a hard time about a medical condition and will not ever want to risk having some mystery fluid splashing on their shoes.
In both cases make sure that you are not the first person to leave the bathroom. In a case like this it's good to give 5 minutes afer the other person leaves.
In all honesty, I tried the Yahtzee method with a boss and we became pretty good friends. The only downfall was he felt comfortable farting in my office, which in turn I felt comfortable asking for raises.
Good luck.
The stall closest to the door is usually the cleanest stall in any given men's room (which, admittedly, isn't saying much). You probably just work with a germaphobe. You ought to move to stall #3, as the stall furthest from the door is typically the nastiest.
Maybe Dave thinks YBNBY is HAL.
Dave, you had me at "turd crackle"
Thanks for the insight.
I tell you what. If we took the staff and readers of YBNBY, put us in a room and opened a frank discussion, we could have the Iraq War problem solved in 25 minutes. Tops.
Grand Poobah Dave has weighed in and we have some other solid thoughts from the Peanut Gallery.
I think we given Echowood a strong list of potential fixes to solve his "I wanna drop a deuce in peace" conundrum.
God speed Echowood. Poop. Poop like the wind.
What is HAL?
I made the decision that if I am going to have the honor of being challenged that I would create an account instead of posting anonymously. I also read over my last answer and realised that my answer had poor structure and spelling. I apologise for my halfhearted answer and would welcome any new challenges with a full heart.
Welcome to the inside world of pink speech bubbles, Dave.
Thanks buddy. I feel different now.
The answer might be far simpler and less deviant than you assume. Perhaps the encroaching "squatter" is actually your boss wondering why you're spending so much time on the clock watching Tolkien movies and reading the paper in the bathroom every day. The solution to the mystery might arrive in the form of a pink slip backed up with detailed documentation of your shirking and shitting habits.
I'm just sayin' . . .
Man, I came into the wrong conversation. This is not my area of expertise. I just wondered how taking a crap at work ended up with so many comments.
Why don't you just take up drinking coffee -that way you could go before work.
Royal Cyclops,
Echowood doesn't need to worry about getting "canned." A bathroom stall is a place where your business is your business. I guarantee that in a corporate situation, with an active and well HR department, they wouldn't dare touch an employees personal turd eradication time with a ten foot pole.
However, in the case that Echowood's boss calls him in.
Boss: Echowood, I have noticed that you have spent a lot of time in the bathroom lately.
Echowood: Yeah, I haven't felt well lately and am a little embarassed to talk about it.
Boss: Are you alright?
Echowood: Yes, I'm working through it.
Boss: I'm sorry.
Echowood: I'm even more sorry, nothing is more frustrating to me than when I am giving 130% and I get set back in the bathroom with this problem.
Boss: Will it get better.
Echowood: I hope so, the only thing I can do right now is give it 150% when I get back. That seems to be the best solution for now.
Boss: You'll get through it. Keep up the good work Echowood.
This is true. My boss is too concerned with me being super-awesome to worry about my three hour defecation sessions.
i find it simply amazing how so many people are clueless about men's bathroom etiquette.
there is something mentally wrong with people who pull shit like that.
my company's men's room has 3 urinals. you'd be amazed at how many times I go in there and there is someone using the middle urinal. and its not because the other urinals were occupied prior to their arrival either.
to top it off, we got a fellow who likes to wash his balls and walk around the men's room with his pants to his ankles. he spends about 2 hours each day washing his balls. i am not joking. i've asked him what the fuck he was doing. he likes to wash his balls and then dry it up down there. amazing.
what i would suggest is to play musical stalls every day. just pick a different stall each day, and if he repeatedly follows to your side - you definitely know there is problem. how you confront him after that, i'm not sure. probably just straight out ask him wtf he is doing.
Good advice, Dave. Please pardon me while I pick a nit: Turds are expelled from the large intestine, not the small intestine.
dave is my hero
Dude... Dave done dynamite with his answer.
I always strike up a conversation like nothings going on while pottying in public.
I think that Pottying is a good word to use when refering to ladies going to the bathroom. However I do not think that when a dude sits on the can that it can be referred to as "pottying."
Dave Dictionary defines Pottying as: To sit on a toilet, knees touching as hands lay politely on the lap while the spine retains a straight polite posture. Usually resembling someone waiting for a bus or sipping tea.
Oh for the love of fuck I can't stop snorting...
I'm gunna ask whomever's in the stall next to me for the next, I dunno, eon, if they would like some tea.