Recently I began dating a girl here in Manhattan. Honestly, it's going pretty well. She plays soccer with me in Central Park every Saturday morning and doesn't give me a hard time about not shaving or watching Sportscenter every day. She even laughs at my jokes. But here's the thing; I feel I need to be absolutely sure that she is the girl I should be taking on dates to the talking pictures and sidewalk café's. How do I know that she is really "here for me?" Even though we get along, how am I going to be sure she is the one I should be dating.
I wasn't sure where to turn for advice, so I went to the warm, cozy place that has helped me through so many conundrums in my life; television. The telly has helped me learn how to survive in the wilderness, avoid shark attacks and build explosive devices using household chemicals. Surely TV, with all it's success in determining healthy relationships, would be able to guide me through this quandary.
I grabbed a yellow legal pad to take diligent notes, tuned into VH1, MTV and the major networks and prepared myself to learn what is course of action I should pursue.
Aided by a case of Red Bull and numerous bags of Tropical Skittles, I spent five days straight watching the dating shows. It was an enlightening experience. I knew what I had to do.
First, I hired a group of producers and writers to counsel me in my decision making. My new staff promised they only had my best intentions at heart and wanted to do whatever it took to ensure a positive outcome. Then I hired a casting director to help me find nine additional ladies to move into my small Upper West Side apartment for two weeks so I could make an informed decision. The group of ladies represent a cross section of society, but no clichés. We have a strong willed feminist who just finished her doctorate at Wellesley College. A naïve, debutante Southern belle. A sweet elementary school teacher who was stood up at the altar but doesn't seem to have any carry-over from that relationship. A stripper. An alcoholic aspiring pop singer and five other normal and mentally stable young ladies.
The girls are moving into my apartment next week and will sack out on the floor in sleeping bags for the duration of my decision. It's important to have them all under one roof to establish a closeness with all of them. And they might have fistfights.
From what I could gather from these fool proof dating show formulas, the most important way to determine who I should date is a series of elaborate "challenges." Apparently this shows the girls devotion and measures her interest in me. Again, I need to make sure these girls are "here for me."
My crack staff and I have come up with the following activities to help determine my potential girlfriend:
The Indiana Jones Calendar Contest - Each girl will design, produce, recreate and shoot her favorite scene from the Indiana Jones trilogy. Points will be awarded for creativity and "awesomeness." The left over two months of the calendar will be filled with pictures of our dog Penny in a fedora. Adorable.
Smear the Queer - The classic playground game. The girls will wear shorts and tank tops and play Smear the Queer on Broadway between 95th and 96th Street. (It's okay, it's safe, we've put up some orange cones to try and block off traffic.) Last girl standing gets a "private date" with me.
A Bob Dylan Karaoke Contest - You better bring it on this one ladies. I'm hoping someone sings "One More Cup of Coffee" or "Isis."
An Eating Challenge - There really is no better way to prove your
worth than eating warthog anus and boogers. That is a given.
The Subway Tunnel Dare - The girls will be required to run through the tunnel between Times Square and Penn Station without a flashlight. Don't worry, it will be in between trains and we cleared out the bums and mole people that live underground so they won't be any attacks. Whoever runs it the fastest will get some "face time" with me.
Mud Wrestling
Watch and Critique "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly - The girls will have a group screening of the classic Sergio Leone western. Then they will split into five groups and prepare a presentation for me. I will consider insight and thoughtfulness.
Chili Cook-Off - Let the best batch win.
A Central Park Obstacle Course - We have set up a borderline dangerous course through the southern section of the Park. There is a fire-walk, piranha swim pit, running 100 yards with ninjas chucking throwing stars at you, rope climb, hobo dodge-ball, football sled and "scorpion hot potato."
Obviously, these challenges are designed to determine who I am actually attracted to. It's the only way I see it can be truly decided.
Unfortunately, after each day, someone will have to go home. They will be "eliminated." I've also learned from my research that you have to give the girls an object at the end of the show so they know who is winning. A rose or a clock or some crap. Makes sense.
How else would they know what I'm thinking? We'll cram into our small living room and I will hand out bags of Oh Boy! Oberto beef jerky to the remaining girls. The flavor of the jerky will show how well each of the girls are doing. Original flavor means you are in jeopardy, Hickory indicates that you are on the fence, and Teriyaki shows that you have "immunity."
When the jerky is passed out, and there is one girl without a bag of delicious dried meat, I will gently hold her hands and say, "I'm sorry, love, your jerky has gone stale."
Then Echowood will escort the girl out to the street and give her a two dollar MetroCard to get home. It's going to be hard, but it's the only way.
I have decided to use the television dating show playbook because of the incredible track record of solid, long term and successful relationships they have produced. It's like 97% or something. Nothing can determine the compatibility of two people like elaborate contests and producer manipulation.
This can't miss.
First, I hired a group of producers and writers to counsel me in my decision making. My new staff promised they only had my best intentions at heart and wanted to do whatever it took to ensure a positive outcome. Then I hired a casting director to help me find nine additional ladies to move into my small Upper West Side apartment for two weeks so I could make an informed decision. The group of ladies represent a cross section of society, but no clichés. We have a strong willed feminist who just finished her doctorate at Wellesley College. A naïve, debutante Southern belle. A sweet elementary school teacher who was stood up at the altar but doesn't seem to have any carry-over from that relationship. A stripper. An alcoholic aspiring pop singer and five other normal and mentally stable young ladies.
The girls are moving into my apartment next week and will sack out on the floor in sleeping bags for the duration of my decision. It's important to have them all under one roof to establish a closeness with all of them. And they might have fistfights.
From what I could gather from these fool proof dating show formulas, the most important way to determine who I should date is a series of elaborate "challenges." Apparently this shows the girls devotion and measures her interest in me. Again, I need to make sure these girls are "here for me."
My crack staff and I have come up with the following activities to help determine my potential girlfriend:
The Indiana Jones Calendar Contest - Each girl will design, produce, recreate and shoot her favorite scene from the Indiana Jones trilogy. Points will be awarded for creativity and "awesomeness." The left over two months of the calendar will be filled with pictures of our dog Penny in a fedora. Adorable.
Smear the Queer - The classic playground game. The girls will wear shorts and tank tops and play Smear the Queer on Broadway between 95th and 96th Street. (It's okay, it's safe, we've put up some orange cones to try and block off traffic.) Last girl standing gets a "private date" with me.
A Bob Dylan Karaoke Contest - You better bring it on this one ladies. I'm hoping someone sings "One More Cup of Coffee" or "Isis."
An Eating Challenge - There really is no better way to prove your
worth than eating warthog anus and boogers. That is a given.The Subway Tunnel Dare - The girls will be required to run through the tunnel between Times Square and Penn Station without a flashlight. Don't worry, it will be in between trains and we cleared out the bums and mole people that live underground so they won't be any attacks. Whoever runs it the fastest will get some "face time" with me.
Mud Wrestling
Watch and Critique "The Good, The Bad and the Ugly - The girls will have a group screening of the classic Sergio Leone western. Then they will split into five groups and prepare a presentation for me. I will consider insight and thoughtfulness.
Chili Cook-Off - Let the best batch win.
A Central Park Obstacle Course - We have set up a borderline dangerous course through the southern section of the Park. There is a fire-walk, piranha swim pit, running 100 yards with ninjas chucking throwing stars at you, rope climb, hobo dodge-ball, football sled and "scorpion hot potato."
Obviously, these challenges are designed to determine who I am actually attracted to. It's the only way I see it can be truly decided.
Unfortunately, after each day, someone will have to go home. They will be "eliminated." I've also learned from my research that you have to give the girls an object at the end of the show so they know who is winning. A rose or a clock or some crap. Makes sense.
How else would they know what I'm thinking? We'll cram into our small living room and I will hand out bags of Oh Boy! Oberto beef jerky to the remaining girls. The flavor of the jerky will show how well each of the girls are doing. Original flavor means you are in jeopardy, Hickory indicates that you are on the fence, and Teriyaki shows that you have "immunity." When the jerky is passed out, and there is one girl without a bag of delicious dried meat, I will gently hold her hands and say, "I'm sorry, love, your jerky has gone stale."
Then Echowood will escort the girl out to the street and give her a two dollar MetroCard to get home. It's going to be hard, but it's the only way.
I have decided to use the television dating show playbook because of the incredible track record of solid, long term and successful relationships they have produced. It's like 97% or something. Nothing can determine the compatibility of two people like elaborate contests and producer manipulation.
This can't miss.
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Reddit!
I'm happy to be involved if for no other reason than it puts me in a position to take advantage of women in a vulnerable state.
Just remember, Every Rose Has it's Thorns my friend.
That is what Bret Michaels has taught me.
The Beef Jerky is the greatest Reality TV "prize" ever. Screw Survivor and the flame thing, the rose from the Bachelor, or the Tia Tequila key thing....you've got MEAT!!! Imagine if the Survivors got Beef Jerky, they'd have to choose between eating it and keep it to stay in the game. The ultimate temptation!
This is what I'm talking about.
I should be running a network.
What?
No contest involving copious alcohol consumption?
What kind of dating show is that?