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5 Cereals that Rip Apart Your Mouth

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I love cereal - rarely start my day without a bowl. If I was to be stranded on a island with only 1 food option, I'd choose cereal. As long as it's not any one of these 5.

5 Cereals that Rip Apart Your Mouth.


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5. Cookie Crisp: Those weren't little chocolate chips, they were mini-dangers aimed at your gums. Thankfully Cookie Crisp dissolved quickly in milk so you could actually chew it with only minor damage. (I think it's been discontinued.)


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4. Kashi Nuggets: What happens when you put "a whole day's worth of whole grains in one bowl"? Your mouth pays the price. I tried this stuff once when if first came out. Never again. If you want to go this route, stick with Kashi Puffs. Your mouth will thank you.


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3. Grape Nuts: Here's an ingenious idea: rock hard pellets that when crunched, tear apart your teeth and cheeks, and make your feel like you've just chewed a mouthful of sand. Ouchlicious! Dentist recommended!


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2. Cracklin' Oat Bran: It's all right there in the title, three words that spell trouble for the your mouth. As a bonus, Crackling Oat Bran will rip your anal cavity apart a few hours after the roof of your mouth.


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1. Cap'n Crunch: By far the winner. Every bite, whether fresh from the box or drowned in milk, went straight for the roof of your mouth and showed no mercy. This cereal is like a cheese grater. After a bowl of Cap'n Crunch you were hurtin', somehow I still went back for more. Blame that on the Captain's excellent sugar rush.


Honorable Mention: Product 19: I never tried this cereal but the name makes it sound like it was created by Pfizer, in a lab with synthetic ingredients. Not good news for your mouth.

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21 Comments

I guess you missed the part of the instructions that say you must boil these in water before consuming.

said Miss Cellania on May 16, 2008 12:47 PM.

What's the deal with Grape Nuts? You open the box, no grapes, no nuts? What's the story there? You know what I'm talking about people.

So, who's from out of town?

said Johnny Wright on May 16, 2008 1:03 PM.

Cap'n Crunch all the way

said Katie D. on May 16, 2008 1:05 PM.

Soaking overnight might save your molars.

said Baierman on May 16, 2008 2:04 PM.

Honeycomb would be on my top 5 list as well. It's either palate-breakingly hard or mushy milk mess soft. Though I do love it so.

said blog.extraface.com on May 16, 2008 3:37 PM.

Honeycomb good....yeah, yeah, yeah!

said Baierman on May 16, 2008 4:11 PM.

Oh man, Puffins should be on this list. What are they, rocks?
-PMAN

said puffin man on May 16, 2008 4:46 PM.

Cookie Crisp is widely available, I don;t know where the fuck you live, but it's obviously in Bumfuck Nowheresville, USA.

said Ben on May 16, 2008 5:22 PM.

NYC is certainly nowheresville but not quite bumfuck.

said Baierman on May 16, 2008 9:02 PM.

It's Grape Nuts not Grape Nuts Flakes! They're great with fruit yogurt.

(Yeah, right. My bad. Thx - Baierman)

said Doc on May 16, 2008 9:24 PM.

Do you have Golden Nuggets in america?

We have them over hear and since i dont eat cereal in the mornings, i used to enjoy a bowl of these as a snack of an evening.

I dont have milk on cereal either so their full on crunchy, crispy goodness was allowed to run riot on my poor, innocent gums.

in the simplest terms, the roof of my mouth, every time, was...not quite cut...but abraded raw, to the point of bleeding, like when you where a kid in shop class and you just...had to touch that electric sander....like that


avoid it folks


like the plague.


it's more than a little painful

said nadine on May 18, 2008 8:46 AM.

No King Vitamin? Throat-lodging sacharin shurikens of agony, I tell you.

But sort of addictive. Like cutting.

said Quisp Misser on May 19, 2008 10:43 AM.

I always took a good roof shreddin' from those diamond encrusted Froot Loops.

said Loon on May 19, 2008 2:24 PM.

Damn you Toucan Sam!

said Baierman on May 19, 2008 4:42 PM.

recently it seems to me that coco puffs has been coated with some sort of cereal varnish to keep from milk erosion. the "chocolate rocks" generic brand is somewhat more gentle on my teeth.

said xmasApe89 on May 21, 2008 1:24 PM.

As a cereal connoisseur I couldn't agree more with #1, The Cap'n. But Cookie Crisp? For real? a) 20 seconds in milk and it's totally soggified. Delicious soggification mind you, but sogged none-the-less, and 2) it's THE best cereal ever. Even if it did slice my mouth to bloody ribbons, leaving a tattered, horribly disfigured mouth in its wake, and scarring my all my French-kissing-girlfriends for life, it is worth it.

said Martini on May 23, 2008 4:16 PM.

Why isn't anything made by Kashi on this list?

said Jeni Gump on June 28, 2008 9:57 PM.

Kashi. I just can't eat that shit. Not cause it may rip on my mouth but just on principle.

said Baierman on June 29, 2008 9:39 AM.

It rips apart your mouth and feels like shards of glass in your ass hours later.

said Jeni Gump on June 29, 2008 11:32 AM.

I'm sold :)) +1

said jamili on August 8, 2008 1:04 PM.

I don't know how you eat Captain Crunch, but I don't scrap my mouth while I eat Captain Crunch.

said Ellie Bocanegra on April 30, 2009 7:46 PM.
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