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Ten things we hope the Cloverfield monster really is

Yesterday's poll about what YOU thought the Cloverfield monster could be certainly indicated that no-ones cracked this yet. A creature from the Toho studios, or the pen of Lovecraft? A dinosaur? Alien? Mutant?

I guess on the 18th January, we'll find out, but until we do, here's my list of the Top Ten things I desperately hope Cloverfield is (but know it probably isn't)

#10: Hedorah

Everyone's buzzing about the possibility of Cloverfield being Godzilla, or maybe Gamera. Call me esoteric, but if we have to have a Kaiju descend on New York, let it be Hedorah, the smog monster. It's about time we resurrected the environmental theme, and to have Al Gore smite the terror with a simple powerpoint would be a movie moment to be sure

#9: The Abominable Snowman

Terror comes to New York, as a 200 ft tall white creature stalks the streets, ripping the head off the Statue of Liberty while threatening to "love him and hug him and call him George".

#8: Robert Wadlow

No, seriously, think about it for a minute. Those glasses, the big shoes, the haircut - my god, the terror.

#7: Jesus of Nazareth

"In a world where corporate greed had overtaken common decency, one lone messiah returns to kick Wall Street's A$$!"

#6: The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man

Laugh all you want, but damn if that screenshot from Ghostbusters doesn't look VERY Cloverfield-esque. Imagine the cheer in the theater - after one hour of panicky camerawork, increasing tension and sinking desperation, someone thinks to call 555-2020 and we hear Ray Parker Jr burst into "who ya gonna call?"

#5 Gulliver

There's an interesting political parable to be told about the Democrats and Republicans not being able to decide which end of Ground Zero to start building from, and Gulliver ripping up the town before convincing them all to start building "in the middle".

#4: The Iron Giant


Even though I cry every time I see the end of that movie, I'm thinking the Giant, cold and alone at the North Pole, slowly and laboriously rebuilding himself, decides that maybe Superman wasn't the right role model for those damn ungrateful humans. Maybe he should be more like Galactus.

#3: Jolly Green Giant

Advertisng Week gone horribly wrong, as the JGG sheds growing balls of reptile corn over the Upper East Side that try to hump vegetarians and vegans alike.

#2: Ron Wood

For this one, it was kind of a hard choice between Ron or Keith, but on the basis that Keith would probably just lie down in Central park until the world stopped spinning, I figured Ron would be the better choice to rip Lady Liberty's head clean off. Oh, and in case you have no idea what I'm talking about, go watch the Love is Strong video, directed by David Fincher no less.

#1: A 50 Ft Woman

Oh, God in heaven, please let it be this one. Ever since I saw Woody Allen's "Everything you wanted to know about Sex" and saw the consequences of one huge tit laying waste to the countryside, I always wanted to see what devastation could occur when they travelled in pairs. And - oh man - the jokes about the Holland Tunnel. i tell you, this'd kill.

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2 Comments

Thanks for the chuckle this morning...

said phschemguy on January 3, 2008 5:03 AM.

What, no Cthulu?

I figured the internet was full of Lovecraft fans.

said Henry on January 3, 2008 5:45 PM.
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