Well, another year has come and gone, and what do we have to show for it. The earth's a little warmer, the dollar's a little weaker and Roger Clemens is a little angrier. As for me, outside of being poked 42 times and the Helen Mirren restraining order thing, mine was pretty uneventful.
But ever since Sister Barbara passed wind in study hall, I've known if I don't have anything good to say, I should keep my friggin' mouth shut. So why not focus on the positives. Like...like all the stuff I learned. Yeah, come to think of it, 2007 was a really educational year.
Why, in just the past twelve months...
- I learned a wizard, a Senator and no one in Iran is Gay.
- I learned the world is round, but microwave popcorn sales are flat
- I learned maps and copies of origin of the species are in short supply.
- I learned bees are disappearing, but I think it's just because they heard Rupert Murdoch wanted to buy them.
- I learned LA has a soccer team.
- I learned thousands of former home owners are as good at math as I am
- I learned that as good ideas go, Fox News producing a comedy ranks up there with Mrs. Spears producing another child.
- And a writer's strike is never a good thing, but if there's a prairie dog with a menacing glare left in the world, I'll be ok.
Yeh, I learned a few things. But why am I wasting my time with this petty stuff? The things that really made me stop and think were the trends I watched develop over time. When I can piece a few isolated instances together and notice a pattern...well now I think I've learned something important. Well, these are some trends I noticed in 2007. You may disagree with some, but I think they all did a little bit to make 2007 stand on its own as a pretty interesting year. And so, I'd like to point them out.
10) Facebook is a cheap alternative to a Porsche for those mid-life crisis moments
I've been poked, pinched, kissed, kicked, slapped and smooched. I've been bitten by vampires, mauled by werewolves and stabbed by pirates. I know my stripper, pimp and porn star names. And I've got fifty thousand dollars worth of fake money in the poker room. Can someone please tell me what the fuck I'm doing. I'm forty for Pete's sake. But I couldn't help myself. 2007 was my year to get totally obsessed with facebook, and I've got the vibrating hamster to prove it.
9) We're gettin' the band back together
If money makes the world go round, but all you need is love, is it the long lasting friendships or the promise of million dollar tours that made 2007 the year of the reunion. I vote for the cash. And it made the Police, the Smashing Pumpkins, the Sex Pistols, Genesis, Rage Against the Machine and Zeppelin come back for one more encore. Oh, and don't forget the Spice Girls. Gotta take the bad with the good.
8) Having a meltdown is good for ratings
Sometimes I just sit back and wonder about stuff. Why are the wackiest videos always from Japan? Why do the writers at TMZ think they have a real job? And why do meltdowns equal ratings gold? But it always seems to be the case. Whether it's Rosie ranting at the Donald, or Ellen losing it over a dog. Alec going off on his daughter, or Amy going off and getting hammered. Hell, If Kramer had anything to promote, I'll bet his rant would've been the PR move of the month. This trend didn't start in 2007, but it definitley didn't stop, either. And if Britney has anything to say about it, it'll keep going strong in 2008.
7) You could have every championship in the world, and you'd still be the town that's scared of lite brites.
I don't know who it was in Boston that made a deal with the devil, but I hope it doesn't go too long into 2008. I can only take you guys winning for so long, before I have to stage another toy infestation. (This time I'm thinking slinkies.) But please don't say I'm being a sore loser. I'm from New York, I'm supposed to hate Boston teams. I can only hope someone challenges the Celtics, because it sure as hell ain't gonna be the Knicks.
6) Is it me, or did fish get really ugly last year?
Hey, here's a question...what the hell is going on with fish? I know we have new technology that lets us dive all the way to the ocean floor, but do we really need to bring back every minor character from Dante's inferno that we find. It's like, if we discovered a new planet, inhabited solely by mimes and Ann Coulter fans. You don't think we'd be bringing back any samples then, do you? Kind of the same thing here, but with fish. (Man, that thing is freaky, The more I look at it, the more I expect it to tell me about the 237 game it bowled last week.) Let's move on.
5) Year of the Cross
Crosses made quite the comeback in 2007. We had Santa for Christmas, chocolate for Easter, and a bookshelf for the visually impaired. I don't know if this one made it all the way to trend status, but they were three interesting stories, so let's include it. (Actually one cross, and two crucifixes. But I try not to get wrapped up in the details.)
4) Apologies make it all better (just like the nuns taught me)
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been, ummm...about 23 years since my last confession. But let's just focus on the recent stuff. I...
- called some ballplayers nappy-haired
- said one of my castmates is gay
- ran a dog fight ring
- said Obama was a dealer, and went to a secular modrassa
(now, what is that exactly?) I'm not really sure
- took steroids, but just to heal
- accused some lacrosse players of rape
- Drove with my kid in my lap
- Spied on the other team
- Gave you all TB on the flight
- forgot to wear panties
- and accidentally put some date rape drug in your kid's toy.
Two Hail Mary's, one Our Father and throw a little something in the collection plate.
3) I quit smoking, but now I have this nasty vomiting problem.
It had been at least a couple months. I was finally getting over the throat hole guy. And whammo, I'm introduced to Mr. smelly one foot. Is there any way to set your cable to block certain commercials. I can't take this anymore. The least you can do is be a little creative, like the French "kissing a smoker is like kissing a goat" ad. Then at least I'd think a little, instead of diving for the remote.
2) Where'd all these kids come from?
I say it every year, but 2007 is truly the year I got old. I was totally blindsided by Hannah Montana, and that High School Musical thing. And I'll bet that's just the tip of the iceberg. With every text message that gets sent, I find it a little tougher to keep up. But that's probably a good thing. The last thing I need is to be having conversations with teenagers about what's cool. That's what my Facebook page is for.
1) And we wondered if we're smarter than fifth graders
Hey look, that person doesn't know where Budapest is. And this one thinks there's a map shortage. And that one thinks the world is flat. And while it's all going on, three Presidential candidates think Adam and Eve really did live in the Garden of Eden. It's fun to see if people are smarter than fifth graders. The fun stops when we vote them into office because we'd like to have a beer with them. Can't wait to see how much fun we have in 2008.