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Gifts for the Breast Man

boobshirt.jpgOne of the great things about being an adult is the ability to purchase a serious gag gift for a friend. That may sound like a contradiction in terms, but stay with me. We all know someone who has the title “breast man”. Even though you ALL love breasts, some go overboard with it. There have been a couple of those guys in my life, who focus on boobs to the exclusion of just about everything else, with the possible exceptions of beer and pizza. There is an entire cottage industry devoted to providing reasonable facsimiles for such devotees, since there is a large chance they don’t have a real woman to fondle. Having put off shopping til the last minute, I was surprised to find how many vendors can still get a gift delivered in time for Christmas. I can’t vouch for all of these, so you should check for shipping times.This t-shirt is available at Officer Naughty.

Continue reading for a list of “boobie prizes.”


The Stress Chest. When the deadlines loom, the bills pile up, and the cute new neighbor says you remind her of her dad, a little squeeze might relax your tight muscles. There, don’t you feel better already?


Shower Breasts. A hot shower is wonderful place to let your fantasies take over. The warmth, the wetness, the caress of a soapy washrag as you clean your entire body (at least we hope you clean it all). How nice is it to reach over and squeeze a warm, inviting breast to release a squirt of shower gel or shampoo? Glad to be of help!


Boob Pillow. Firm, yet swishy. 36cmm in size, is that life size or fantasy size?

Gentlemen, buy one today and lay your weary head upon its soft curves and remember, you'll never get a slap for idly playing with its nipples.


Boob Please Onesie. Like father, like son? Dress your little darling for a night out with the boys.


Hand Massager. Did you know your hands need a massage? I didn’t. “Oh, my hands are SO stressed! I’ve been working SO hard, what I really need is a vibrating breast to make it all better!” This could become a habit. Operates on batteries for portability.


Busty Mousepads. Avoid that wrist strain in the first place with a gel-filled mousepad, available in lots of styles, including anime. These are not guaranteed to arrive by Christmas at this point.


Orgasmo Clock. This one veers a bit off topic, but I’m sure you’ll understand. Why wake up to the sound of an annoying buzzer when you can hear a woman moan in ecstacy instead? It’s bound to make your whole day seem a little brighter. Oh yeah, you can reset the alarm and hear it anytime you want.


Boobie Mug. Fill it with whatever you like to drink, and sip directly from the nipple. Don’t use with really hot liquids, or it could turn you off boobs... no, scratch that. It could burn your mouth. Don’t even think about taking this to work.


Gummy Boob Candy. Chew on this awhile. Fruit-flavored party treats with the appropriate texture. Could be a stocking-stuffer!

Boob glasses.jpg

Boob-Nose Glasses. Now this is just plain silly (oh, like the others aren't?), but it’s a way to designate the main boob man at your New Year’s Eve party.


Boob Party Balloons. And if you are throwing that kind of party, you’ll need decorations. These can vary in size depending on how you blow them up, but everything has a limit. A commenter at the site suggests you fill them with party refreshments and drink from a pinhole. Also available in willy shape.

Be advised that use or display of any of these objects may reduce your chances of impressing the one particular woman you really want to keep around. Or not... you decide whether it’s worth the risk.

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1 Comment

As a breast man myself, I'd have to say that any woman getting all those and putting them in a gift basket for me would probably be just about the wildest gift I ever got.

said Scaramouch on December 19, 2007 9:57 AM.
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