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Top Ten Truly Terrible Halloween Treats

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Over the years the traditional Halloween offering CANDY has been loosing muster. For some unknown reason people have taken it upon themselves to get creative with what they give out to the little tykes who show up on their doorstep. More and more people shun candy for other alternatives. And, as always, it’s the kids that suffer.

Luckily Halloween is still 2 weeks away so there’s loads of time to think about what you’re handing out to the kids who ring your bell…

We know, we know, America’s a fat wasteland of obese sugar-fueled children. And we’re all for healthy snacks, exercise and a healthy lifestyle. Just not on Halloween. The one day of the year when the 3 meals of the day should actually be Candy. Candy. And more candy.

Here now are 10 things not to give out. Hopefully you won’t.

Mr_peanut.png 10. Peanuts: Nuts are one of the most common and severe allergies kids get. Halloween’s for the sugar rush, not the Emergency Room. M&M peanuts, as much as we love them, fall into this category.

9. Mini-Lollipops: They look like candy but really they’re not. Remember it’s Halloween, not a hotel lobby or the Principals office. Dum-dums are just that. Pass them by. If you want to give lollipops, try Blow-Pops.

8. Unwrapped candy: When I was a kid some people would just drop in a handful of candy corns or something like that. Don’t be that idiot. First of all, candy corn sucks! Second, passing out unwrapped candy will only get you a visit from the Neighborhood Watch.

7. Loose Change: Look neighbor, if my little ones wanted your pennies and nickels, I’d send them by next week collecting for UNICEF or something. Spare the change and hand out some mini Kit-Kats.

6. Old People Candy: A good rule - If it looks like it belongs in a candy dish, don’t hand it out. Chocolate mints, peppermint suckers, gum drops, yeah those types of things.

5. School Supplies: Apparently there are people who give out pencils, erasers, colored markers, post it notes and the like. Shame on them. Halloween candy is found at the supermarket, not the office supply closet.

4: Religious literature: Yeah, yeah, we know Halloween has a pagan roots and such but take one day off from spreading the gospel will yeah Flanders.

3: Healthy crap: Apples. Raisins. Juice boxes. Carrots. Granola bars. Etc. I’m all for eating healthy but these are for the other 364 days of the year. Halloween is for candy. Got it. Hold your slim-good-body preaching for November 1st.

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2. Sugar-free candy: Just don’t go there.
(Note: If your kids diabetic then limit him to a piece or 2 or real candy a day.)

1: A toothbrush: Nothing says “I’m an asshole" more than handing out a toothbrush. Especially if you’re the neighborhood dentist.

Oh yeah, Happy Halloween!

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My personal WORST treat ever: It was getting late and I was last in a line of 7 or 8 kids at one of the last houses we were going to. Everyone in front of me got candy, but when it was my turn the lady told me to wait just a sec and went inside. She came back out and put a treat (which I didn't get a good look at)in my pillow case (we used pillow cases back in the day. they hold ALOT of candy) Anyway, she told me to be sure and eat it soon. I of course was taught to NEVER eat anything til mom checked it out, so I ignored her. When I got home I realized why she told me to eat it soon. She had put a freakin' Ice Cream Sandwich in my bag!!! Of course, it melted and ruined all my good candy. The only things saved were those hard candies wrapped in plastic. Yuck.

said Mell on October 19, 2007 11:31 AM.

I always hated those disgusting ambiguous orange-and-black-plain-wrapper candies.
And my mom would always throw away things that didn't come from a store (like homemade cookies in plastic wrap....damn!)......

My friend said one house always gave them "healthy" fruit snacks. ew.

said Phoenix Lee on June 11, 2008 3:08 AM.

Halloween can actually be called a christian holiday. pushes in all saints day. suck on that religious zealots.

said Evangeline on October 27, 2008 7:10 PM.
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