We've shared stories of crazy roommates, inappropriate co-workers and kids. Now let's talk about terrible dates.
Last night I had the pleasure of sitting beside a failing date of epic proportions.
He was roughly 45; she was ten years younger. They worked together at a mid-size financial planning firm and she was new. A significant portion of the evening involved the man detailing the religious affiliations of random co-workers, then assessing their piety.
This exchange sums things up:
Her: Are you going to keep texting all night?Him: No. Haha. It’s…from the office.
Her: What are they saying? ‘Why are you going out with her?’
Him: Why, because you’re just a telemarketer?
Her, after a pause: No.
Him, after a stammer: That’s right, nobody would ever say something like that at this company. We’re a family.
All right, loyal readers. Wow me with your best story about your worst date.
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I once had a med student show me the skinned monkey he had in a green garbage bag in his trunk after we had a coffee date.
Yeah, so I didn't marry him.
My best friend had set me up on a blind date in order to go out with this one guy she liked because she didn't actually want to be alone on the date.
So we decided to meet them up at a club, and she spots her date and goes over to him. Me and another friend of ours were waiting wondering what these guys looked like, and when my friend came back she introduced us.
"Guys, this is my friend, munchy." she says, I stick my hand out to shake the hand of my blind date when he looks me up and down, sighs and rolls his eyes.
"If I would have know she was black, I wouldn't have come." Nice, right?
When I decided to try and make the best of a bad situation and go dance with all of the group, I was just standing near him, and he walked away from me.
He wasn't even cute, so I dunno why he thought I may have still went after him.
I went out on a blind date with this guy who, within the first fifteen minutes, thought it was perfectly fine to ask me what my favorite sexual position was, if I spat or swallowed and then when the check came (I rushed it over), asked if I wanted to split the tab or just go back to his apartment and give him head. When I responded with, "I don't know you; I could end up in your freezer," he said, "In my defense, there aren't many Jewish serial killers." Then he asked if I liked having my breasts fondled. That was when, thirty-four minutes into the 'date,' I asked him if I was on a hidden camera show then grabbed a cab back into Brooklyn, straight to my friend's apartment. Her question: "Aren't you on a date right now?" My response: "Well, funny story..."
A polite young man with a southern drawl asked for my number while i was waiting on his table @ a popular family restaurant and we set up a date. I was new to the area so i asked him to meet me at my grandparents' house-- so someone would know who i was with, where i was going, etc.
He showed up wearing a black heavy metal t-shirt tucked into the **tightest** jeans-- jeans which revealed his probably sock-enhanced package in menacing detail. Motorcycle boots finished off the ensemble. I did not want this guy meeting and scaring my grandmother with his prominently displayed parts, but she didn't notice anything amiss-- she chastised me when i told her i didn't want to leave with him and said that i should give him a chance because he seemed like such a nice boy. So, i don't know why, but i got in his truck and we left. On the 30 minute drive to town from my grandparents' farm he showed me pictures of his motorcycles, muscle cars, & pictures of him with his shirt off with his arm around his pet turkey. he told me many stories about women he'd slept with. he said over and over he was looking for a wild woman who would jump at the chance to do anything he wanted. he took me to a restaurant that was a trashier version of the place where i was working at the time. He kept looking down at his crotch and asking me what i wanted to eat. So-- i excused myself to the ladies room (the 1st words I'd spoken so far), called a friend i knew in the area and arranged a rescue ride. He looked completely shocked when i paid for my meal and said goodbye (as politely as possible)like his amazing mojo had never failed him before.
I once met a guy who was a Marine, and he wasn't the sharpest bayonet in the bunch.
He starts things off by being 2.5 hours late because he couldn't see the difference between east and west.
As we are driving to the resturant, he states that he is required to wear corrective glasses to drive. He's not wearing in them and we get in almost 3 separate car wrecks.
Our conversation at dinner is limited to ammo and grenades.
While driving home, he asks if I wanted to stop somewhere and park the car. Uh...NO!
The finishing touch is when he pulls a sad Walmart potted Mum as my flowers.
Forget the Marines, and try the Navy out. They seem to have done better on their ASVAP!
Let's try ASVAB......
Let's try ASVAB......
Worst date was with a guy I'd met while still living in California. He was visiting NYC and asked me out. I wasn't employed and told him that it needed to be on the cheap. He told me not to worry, that we were meeting friends of his for dinner, then going out to a club. Dinner was at the hottest, trendiest new restaurant in Soho. The bill came, the friends divided it up, and I ended up paying $120 for a salad and a glass of wine. I skipped the club.