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Prison Tips for Paris Hilton

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Paris Hilton must report to prison on June 5th. How will she get along in the Big House? Some tips on prison survival for Paris.

Here is a list of prison survival tips, taken from Wikihow, with some personalized ideas for Paris added.

1. Do not cry, show fear, or a vulnerability publicly. Doing so will quickly make you a target for other prisoners.

Paris never showed any fear during her arrests or court hearings, but whether that was due to bravery or total cluelessness about the situation is a matter of conjecture. We’ll how good an actress she really is now.

2. Learn to play spades, pinochle, chess, or basketball as it makes the time go by faster.

Golf, beer funneling, bait-the-papparazzi, and hi-stakes strip poker are not going to be any help here. At least as far as passing the time goes. Low-stakes strip poker may be a possibility (see tip #6)

3. Get a prison job which will keep you occupied as the days pass by.

Maybe she could make a movie!

4. Read a lot. They have a library there so use it. Catch up on your reading. Consider taking correspondence courses and continuing your education. Consider writing as well. Letters to friends and family, fictional short-stories, and poetry can make time pass a bit faster.

Paris may have a bit of a problem going from Vogue to Tolstoy, but its worth the effort. And it may be a hassle to switch from text-messaging to actual writing, but she should give it a try.

5. Work out. It will make the time go by faster, and is an outlet for stress. In addition, physically fit people are less likely to be targeted as victims for strong-arm tactics.

She'd better start eating the baloney and beans. You can’t add muscle without protein.

6. Brace yourself for the social dynamics of prison. There are certain ways to behave towards others if you want to get by:

* Do not become a 'punk' (girlfriend). While becoming a punk might give you some fleeting, temporary protection from other inmates, you will be a virtual slave to one. Punks are used and abused. They are traded away in card games and sold for cigarettes. It is not a path to long term survival in prison.

A commodity is a commodity, the prices are just a bit lower in prison.

* Do not snitch. If you see something illegal or violent, walk away and do not divulge any information if questioned later. Being known as a snitch will make bad things happen to you. (Of course, you have to decide whether your fellow inmates or the authorities are more dangerous. If you're questioned and lie to the jailkeepers, you can get in serious legal trouble.)

The dumb blonde routine will come in handy here.

* Stick up for yourself or you will be turned into a punk. It's better to get into a fight and lose than to be seen cowering or placating. Your reputation is more important than your desire to avoid pain, so guard it with your life. Ultimately you should avoid any confrontation if you can, but if you can't avoid one, react quickly and with aggression. So swing first. If you happen to get beat down never call for the correctional officers--I repeat, never. Doing so will get you labeled a punk.

Paris had better swing first alright, or she may get snapped in half!

7. Beware of rape. You are more likely to be raped if you have been confined for sexual offenses, especially against juveniles, show any weakness or are even shy, have any feminine characteristics or are younger. Keep quiet about your offence and if you were convicted of a sex crime you will need to go into protective custody, grow a beard and cut that long hair.

If it happens, be sure someone catches it on video. It will be worth millions!

8. Keep to yourself, keep your mouth shut and do not tell anyone about your personal life, family, or criminal history--keep them wondering, but don't overdo it. Do not discuss politics or personal feelings about anyone. In other words, don't put your business out on the street. At the same time, don't get involved in other inmate's business.

Its a bit late for that. Everyone knows all already.

9. Become religious. Inmates tend to treat those always carrying a Holy Book and praying with more respect than others. In addition, many people find a church and belief in a higher power protective and supporting.(In some cases this isn't recomended, use your own judgement if in this situation)

Not that anyone would believe it; the benefits would be purely personal.

10. Recognize that nights are the worst. You will miss your family, and freedom. You will probably cry, so stifle it into your pillow so no one will hear.

Good luck, Paris. Maybe next time you’ll pay attention when they arrest you.

If you want to join the fight to Free Paris Hilton, there's a MySpace page for you.

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11 Comments

you forgot the old stand by, don't drop the soap.

said howardh2 on May 7, 2007 12:59 PM.

and get a poster of Rita Hayworth.

said Echowood on May 7, 2007 2:27 PM.

I went to jail once, over night, for a drunken fist fight. It sucked.

~clutch
tshirtwebsites.com

said Clutch on May 7, 2007 2:55 PM.

Clemency for Paris Hilton, I don't think so! PARIS SHOULD GO TO JAIL. There is an old saying, “If you can't do the time don't do the crime!” Paris continually breaks the law and has made a mockery out of the justice system. If Paris doesn’t go to jail that only means one thing, I can committ the same crimes and I shouldn't go to jail either. The Judge also needs to recommend 60 days in rehab after Paris serves the full 45 days IN JAIL. One suggestion for Paris while she is in jail, KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON PARIS!!!! No clemency for Paris Hilton, sent Paris to jail, sent Paris to jail, sent Paris to jail, sent Paris to jail….

said Brit, Lindsey, Nicole, Nick Carter, Rick Solomon, Rick and Kathy Hilton, staff at the FOX reality sh on May 10, 2007 9:18 PM.

Is Paris Hilton going to jail? That's Hot!!!

said hottie on May 10, 2007 9:34 PM.

Paris was arrested and charged with driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content of 0.08, the limit in California, in September 2006. Find was $1,000.00.

Paris pled no contest to the alcohol-related reckless driving charge, and she was placed on 36 months' probation and ordered to pay fines of about $1,500.

In March 2007, the Los Angeles City's Attorney's Office claimed that Paris violated the terms of her DUI probation by speeding without her headlights on, driving with a suspended license, and failing to enroll in a court-ordered alcohol education program.

On May 4, 2007 Paris was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation, and she is required to begin her jail term by June 5, 2007 or risk a doubling of her sentence. PRICELESS!!!!

said Green Eggs and Spam on May 10, 2007 10:04 PM.

Paris is being sentence to 45 days in jail for being DUMB!!! What were you think, Paris.

said John on May 10, 2007 11:00 PM.

I am deeply sorry 2 hear shes going to jail but she shouldnt drink and drive the brainless girl and she mite want to keep her legs away from the other girls her parents wont be impressed to hear that shes a lesbian.

said TOGLE SMYTH on May 16, 2007 8:06 PM.

I hate Paris she is a plastic cow and needs to get a life she is pathetic and because of her alot of younge girls have eating disorders i hope you suffer in jail you evil skank

said stacey smyth on May 16, 2007 8:12 PM.

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry that you are going to jail but don't listen to your loyers next time and next time don't drink when you drive.

(comment edited) Aisha, never ever give personal information in a public comment.

said Aisha on May 28, 2007 6:53 AM.

just kiding

said Aisha on May 28, 2007 6:55 AM.
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