Paris Hilton must report to prison on June 5th. How will she get along in the Big House? Some tips on prison survival for Paris.
Here is a list of prison survival tips, taken from Wikihow, with some personalized ideas for Paris added.
1. Do not cry, show fear, or a vulnerability publicly. Doing so will quickly make you a target for other prisoners.
Paris never showed any fear during her arrests or court hearings, but whether that was due to bravery or total cluelessness about the situation is a matter of conjecture. We’ll how good an actress she really is now.
2. Learn to play spades, pinochle, chess, or basketball as it makes the time go by faster.
Golf, beer funneling, bait-the-papparazzi, and hi-stakes strip poker are not going to be any help here. At least as far as passing the time goes. Low-stakes strip poker may be a possibility (see tip #6)
3. Get a prison job which will keep you occupied as the days pass by.
Maybe she could make a movie!
4. Read a lot. They have a library there so use it. Catch up on your reading. Consider taking correspondence courses and continuing your education. Consider writing as well. Letters to friends and family, fictional short-stories, and poetry can make time pass a bit faster.
Paris may have a bit of a problem going from Vogue to Tolstoy, but its worth the effort. And it may be a hassle to switch from text-messaging to actual writing, but she should give it a try.
5. Work out. It will make the time go by faster, and is an outlet for stress. In addition, physically fit people are less likely to be targeted as victims for strong-arm tactics.
She'd better start eating the baloney and beans. You can’t add muscle without protein.
6. Brace yourself for the social dynamics of prison. There are certain ways to behave towards others if you want to get by:
* Do not become a 'punk' (girlfriend). While becoming a punk might give you some fleeting, temporary protection from other inmates, you will be a virtual slave to one. Punks are used and abused. They are traded away in card games and sold for cigarettes. It is not a path to long term survival in prison.
A commodity is a commodity, the prices are just a bit lower in prison.
* Do not snitch. If you see something illegal or violent, walk away and do not divulge any information if questioned later. Being known as a snitch will make bad things happen to you. (Of course, you have to decide whether your fellow inmates or the authorities are more dangerous. If you're questioned and lie to the jailkeepers, you can get in serious legal trouble.)
The dumb blonde routine will come in handy here.
* Stick up for yourself or you will be turned into a punk. It's better to get into a fight and lose than to be seen cowering or placating. Your reputation is more important than your desire to avoid pain, so guard it with your life. Ultimately you should avoid any confrontation if you can, but if you can't avoid one, react quickly and with aggression. So swing first. If you happen to get beat down never call for the correctional officers--I repeat, never. Doing so will get you labeled a punk.
Paris had better swing first alright, or she may get snapped in half!
7. Beware of rape. You are more likely to be raped if you have been confined for sexual offenses, especially against juveniles, show any weakness or are even shy, have any feminine characteristics or are younger. Keep quiet about your offence and if you were convicted of a sex crime you will need to go into protective custody, grow a beard and cut that long hair.
If it happens, be sure someone catches it on video. It will be worth millions!
8. Keep to yourself, keep your mouth shut and do not tell anyone about your personal life, family, or criminal history--keep them wondering, but don't overdo it. Do not discuss politics or personal feelings about anyone. In other words, don't put your business out on the street. At the same time, don't get involved in other inmate's business.
Its a bit late for that. Everyone knows all already.
9. Become religious. Inmates tend to treat those always carrying a Holy Book and praying with more respect than others. In addition, many people find a church and belief in a higher power protective and supporting.(In some cases this isn't recomended, use your own judgement if in this situation)
Not that anyone would believe it; the benefits would be purely personal.
10. Recognize that nights are the worst. You will miss your family, and freedom. You will probably cry, so stifle it into your pillow so no one will hear.
Good luck, Paris. Maybe next time you’ll pay attention when they arrest you.
If you want to join the fight to Free Paris Hilton, there's a MySpace page for you.