In our first two installments, we've bitched about crazy roommates and traded tales of inappropriate co-workers. Today's topic is raising kids. You don't have to be a parent to participate. Tell us about the hell your kids put you through, or explain where your parents went wrong.
To introduce this week's segment, let me turn things over to the newest member of the YesButNoButYes editorial family, Echowood. Though he's without child, he offered sound advice at an office baby shower last week, advice I'm shamelessly plagiarizing here.
1. Use Crisco as an easy way to get stuck heads out from a banister.
2. It's OK to let your child ride the family dog like a pony unless the dog is a Chihuahua.
3. Don't video tape yourself playing baseball with your child as this will likely lead to you getting hit in the crotch and the tape ending up on television.
4. Always make the lightsaber humming sound when playing Star Wars with your child.
5. If your child still believes in the Toothfairy and he's entering high school, do the kid a favor and tell him there's no such thing as a magical woman who enters your room and steals your discarded teeth while leaving you money. This will save him from both embarrassment and odd looks from the girls in his Calculus Class.
6. When choosing a musical instrument for your child to play, stick with the guitar as pianos and french horns are too cumbersome to bring to college parties.
7. Nurture your child's break-dancing abilities.
8. Never refer to your child as "it."
9. It's totally acceptable to order a Happy Meal for your child, but keep the toy inside for yourself.
10. When your child is eight years old and accidentally sets fire to the living room rug... go easy on him.
Your turn. Give advice. Settle scores. Treat this as therapy. Just be sure to live up to the standard you've already set.
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Its okay for your daughters to go to Pizza Hut in child-size wedding dresses and Barbie high heels as long as they feel beautiful. However, let them know its not okay for their future husbands to wear the same outfit.
It is fine if your child insists on ordering their food oddly, for example, asking for a cheeseburger without the cheese. Don't argue with them, just be proud that they are making decisions on their own.
My son is two. He thinks it's funny to run up to me while I'm sitting, and bite me on the leg or knee. He has teeth. It hurts.
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My freshman year of college I can't tell you how many times I heard, "Hey, let's get together Friday and jam" and all I could think was, "Yeah, right. I'll bring my French Horn."
Table knives are good for getting magnets out of nostrils.
Nutmeg and jimson weed are not good for getting high. Being found catatonic in a closet scares the hell out of your dad.
Every neighborhood has at least one 'questionable' icecream truck venture in to their burb.
I would not let one such truck in particular pick up my trash, let alone serve my children.
I told my kids it was a 'music truck'. "Oh, how nice! That man is back to play music for us again! Let us dance!"
You can imagine the embarassment when the jig was up and my child argued with half the neighborhood...I act like I don't know them when they do shit like that.
My son aged 5 loves to expose his little weenie, frequently in an aroused state and giggle about it while I have my women friends over. Somehow he has discovered the sport of jacking off too. With all the toys he has had I simply don't understand why he prefers to play with that one! Calling Dr. Phil?