I don't consider myself a "gamer." When I reached the end of Super Mario Brothers, I spent the rest of the day thinking I'd saved the world and made everyone refer to me as Excelsior: God of the Mushroom Kingdom. That was the pinnacle of my video game life and it's all been downhill since.

In the essence of full-disclosure, I'm 28 years-old and have no business playing video games. I should be doing practical things, like mowing lawns or reading Crate & Barrel catalogs. But my friend bought a Playstation 3 and, ultimately, bought me one as well. (It helps if you have good friends, and if you saved said friend's life in a Las Vegas lounge-act piano accident.) Over this past weekend, he asked me to stop by his place and bring my game controller. As his fiancé was out of town, he planned on playing video games for most of the weekend. And not just any video game, but one titled Resistance: Fall of Man.

Imagine Saving Private Ryan, but replace the Germans with evil mutant aliens armed with advanced weaponry. The game captures all the gory elements of the Normandy beach landing, complete with severed limbs and mass chaos. It's absolutely relentless and it'll haunt your dreams.

An element of the game allows you to enter into battle with 32 people online. What they don't tell you is that the 31 other people are pre-teens with nothing better to do than stay up all night and master the game. These are kids without rent to pay, without girlfriends, without social lives. They do nothing but practice full-on warfare and call you a bitch when you accidentally throw a grenade at them. So when a "noob" like me gets involve in the game, my chance of survival is reduced to that of a three-legged deer in a pack of wolves.

At one point, and after some brat named KillaB94 killed me repeatedly, we had to turn the television off due to extreme fatigue and growing headaches. The destruction was over. I went back to my adult life, where war and death were only things I read in newspapers and saw on television. And as I lay in bed last night thinking about work and whether or not I should contribute more to my 401(k), my thoughts turned to Resistance and the horrible atrocities I'd witnessed all day. But mostly to KillaB94 who really chapped my ass. He may be better at Resistance, but at least I can drive a car, and vote, and buy alcohol, and operate a meat slicer.

Who's the bitch now?