You are a rude thoughtless little pig. When a Baldwin Calls.

Think you’ve got it tough, trying to make it with the girl next door? Some of the mating rituals in the animal kingdom are downright painful to one’s pride, like the honeybee’s exploding testicles, the argonaut’s detachable penis, or the snails who have sex organs on their necks (hmm, that might not be so bad...). The 30 Strangest Animal Mating Habits. Read this and feel lucky that humans only require lots of alcohol.

"Baby, if you ever wondered...wondered whatever became of me..." today on the veg

A 12 year-old kid called me a bitch and then beat the living hell out of me. This was my weekend.

ME: (drowsy) Hey.
YOU: (unattentive) Hey.
ME: Good weekend?
YOU: ok...pretty quiet. You?
ME: Pretty good. Nice weather, though...right?
YOU: yeh...really nice.
(long pause)
ME: Who brought the muffins?
YOU: Nancy.
ME: That's cool.
(pause)
ME: Who's Nancy, again?
YOU: She's...(upbeat)
Hey, you watch the Sopranos and Entourage last night?
ME: (suddenly attentive)) Yeh, you?
YOU: Yup...whatcha think?

(Warning...spoilers)

- So Alec Baldwin took the celebrity apology walk of shame on The View. I know I can sleep better now.
- Ten different takes on Mr. Tarantino's masterpiece, starting with the oddly entertaining...Pulp Muppets.
- Via yesterday's NY Times, another internet phenom makes good...Lisa Nova recently landed a Madtv gig.
- Attention New Yorkers...Soho not hip enough to do your iPod shipping in? Try the Meatpacking district.
- And Friday's New Rules included what may have been the funniest condiment-based joke I've ever heard.