1. Its too commercial. The whole idea of the holiday is to make profits for florists, greeting-card companies, candymakers, jewelers, and restaurants. When the spontaneity is gone, so is the romance.

You’re cheap, aren’t ya? I’ve got some money-saving ideas for you, whether its homemade, kitchy, or completely free.


2. My girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse is too materialistic. That girl you’ve been dating for a few months expects an engagement ring on Valentine’s Day. Your boyfriend thinks a card and a box of candy is going to buy him into your pants. Yes, its contrived, but greedy people are just as much to blame as the gift stores.

This page has some advice on how to satisfy her without buying a diamond.

3. I give and give, and get nothing in return. For women, this often means you find the most personal, meaningful, and romantic gift possible. The kind of thing you’d like to receive. Except you don’t, because he doesn’t consider it as important as you do. For men, this means that her expectations are so high you’ll never completely please her, no matter what you do.

Try something completely unexpected. For a woman: Romance by You will publish a personalized romance novel for you. Pick an available theme, fill in some blanks, and they drop your name and your signifigant other’s name into a cheesy romance story. Now THAT’s personal! Just don’t buy a diamond. For a man: He'll surely enjoy a His and Hers Combo Pack with the Clone-A-Willy and Clone-A-Pussy kits.

4. Its too cutesy and sappy and feminine. Mostly guys say this, but they are right. Pink hearts belong in a schoolgirl’s room. Valentines Day can send you into a diabetic shock.

For you, a zombie valentine! Or maybe you’d prefer a serial killer valentine?


5. I’m trying to stay unattached. Fear of commitment and all. This is normal, but hard to deal with when you’re surrounded by hearts and flowers and romance. On top of that, your mother is bugging you about getting a date for the holiday. Bah, humbug!

There’s another holiday coming your way. Singles Awareness Day is February 15th!

6. I have a new girlfriend/boyfriend, but its too soon to make any statements about love or commitment. The holiday pumps up the pressure. What if she/he makes some grand romantic gesture? How am I going to respond? A date on the stupid calendar can feel like an ultimatum!

I was in this situation last year. I mailed him a humorous valentine. He didn’t think of that in time, so he sent me this ecard. As funny as it is, the relationship is no more.

7. I just escaped a bad relationship. You may be relieved, heartbroken, scard, lonely, broke, depressed or angry. The last thing you need is hearts and flowers.

Have a laugh on me with these Valentines for the Ex. Or these, which are bittery delicious.

8. I’m lonely. Like the poor kid with his nose mashed against the window, you’d like to take part in this magical ritual of love, but you don’t have the essential part -someone to be your valentine. Its hell to have the only desk at your workplace with no flowers or candy displayed.

For you, Bittersweets. The Valentine candy for the rest of us. Available in two versions now, dejected and dysfunctional.

9. I have a stalker. You’re desirable, alright. To a psycho who won’t take no for an answer. He/she thinks because you answered one email message, you two are now an “item”.

Maybe you should take the bull by the horns and sent your stalker a greeting card. This restraining order generator will do.

10. I hate holidays. I hate people. I hate February. Some people are just that way.

For you, I got nothin’. Sorry.

If you’re not sure what kind of Valentines hater you are, you can take a test. This one is for women, entitled How Bad Will It Be This Year? and this one is for men. Real Valentines Day haters will take neither test. You can find more Valentine’s Day stupidity and jokes at Miss Cellania.