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Top Ten Foreign Objects

Smketchupxray
Well, there's no real way to prepare you for this one, so we'll give it to you straight up. This one's about things that get inserted into other people's orifices. There. The Ten Most Famous Foreign Objects ever inserted. With video.

Depraved, aren't we?

Index Snapper
The Red Snapper
Rock n roll lore has it that the members of Led Zeppelin once pleasured a female groupie with a Mud Shark in a hotel room in Seattle. But according to Snopes, the true story is somewhat different (though equally fishy). In the words of Zep's road manager, Richard Cole (and I had to quote this, because you just can't make this stuff up):

But the true shark story was that it wasn't even a shark. It was a red snapper and the chick happened to be a fucking redheaded broad with a ginger pussy. ... It was like, "You'd like a bit of fucking, eh? Let's see how your red snapper likes this red snapper!" That was it. It was the nose of the fish, and that girl must have come 20 times."

A red snapper in a red snapper. It's almost (sniff) poetry. Almost.

Cigar Foot Vertical B
The Cigar
It was the story that made Matt Drudge - while Yasser Arafat waited in the Rose Garden, President Clinton (allegedly) masturbated while intern Monica Lewinsky performed a sex show with a cigar. Or maybe he inserted it himself. It's confusing, I tell you. No mention was made of the type, brand or Country of origin (Cuban?) but Drudge did helpfully add "It is not clear if Clinton or Lewinsky kept the cigar". There's a great idiot's guide at Rotten.com, including mention of a "rimjob" that I must have conveniently forgotten. Ewwwww.

Marsbar
The Mars Bar
Another from the rock n roll hall of fame, although I'm not sure the guys in Cleveland actually have an exhibition on this. Back in 1967, the British police raided Keith Richard's house for drugs (I wonder what on earth made them think that was a good idea) where they found a group of people including Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithfull. Rumors soon circulated that the cops had "interrupted an orgy of cunnilingus in which Jagger had been licking a Mars candy bar pushed into Marianne's vagina". Jagger and Faithfull have both denied it, and snopes effectively debunks it, but, man, don't you just wish that this one was true? Unlike Snopes, I've used a picture of the real thing, an English Mars bar, rather than it's US counterpart.

Vanuatu-Million Dollar Point02 Op 450X600
The Coke Bottle
Fatty Arbuckle's life story is so amazing that I'm surprised we have yet to see the Hollywood version, because it's movie gold. In the 1920s he was one of the biggest movie stars in the world, the first actor ever to sign a million dollar contract. But it ended in scandal after a booze-filled Hollywood party left a young showgirl dead, and the finger pointed at Fatty. Although ultimately acquiited, the rumor that surrounded the events - that unable to perform, Arbuckle had raped her with a Coke bottle - has become more famous than the man himself.

Dscn0103
The Oven Mitt
Admit it, when you clicked on this page, you didn't expect this one. It takes an unusually imaginative mind to look at an oven mitt and think "ooh, I know exactly where that would feel good. Let's just hope it wasn't lost when trying to retrieve something else.

Pencil.Tif2
The Pencil
My first exposure to hard core pornography as a child was finding a stack of Scandinavian magazines hidden in an outside shed. One of them featured a secretary spread, with a young bespectacled lady giving new meaning to the term "pencil case". But this isn't what we're talking about here. No, it's this story from Ananova of a Serbian man who decided to use a 3H in place of Viagra. Brings a whole new meaning to that question about whether he had any lead in his pencil.

2007-01-10T215456Z 01 Nootr Rtridsp 2 Tech-Apple-Iphone-Dc
The Cellphone
When Jobs announced the iPhone, he cheekily suggested that "making a call" was the killer app of a handheld. That floored me, because I was totally expecting him to say "hiding snugly out of the way in your rectum". i mean, it stands to reason. Ask this lady.

Concrete
The Concrete Enema
Yep, that was definitely a good idea.

Gerbil-Jul3534
The Gerbil
I once dated a med student training to be a doctor. She'd work nights in the emergency room in a London Hospital, and would regale me with stories of young men coming into the ER early on Sunday mornings with things inside them that just wouldn't come out no matter how the coaxed them. There's even a wikipedia entry on "gerbilling" which unfortunately debunks the story I was planning to focus on, that of Richard Gere and the Gerbil. But who am I to argue with an article that authoritatively states at the the bottom "See also, felching". instead, let's just listen to Robert E Raiford talking about Armageddon.

Octopus
The Octopus
One thing is certain - if you've thought of a sexual extreme, the Japanese have turned it into a fetish. And that's including some things you really wish you HADN'T thought of. So let us introduce you to Genki-Genki - young, nubile Asian ladies getting cosy with their many-tentacled friends. If you ever wondered what a NSFW link looked like, this is probably it. Plus of course, there's the famous video of the octopus emerging from the woman in the bathtub, a clip only slightly less revolting that the goatse image. Don't say I didn't warn you (Very NSFW).

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3 Comments

no.

said masta-Z on April 18, 2007 4:15 PM.

Most nasty top ten list ever! Congrats!

said Mr. XYZ on April 19, 2007 1:51 AM.

I've also heard of women masterbating with lobster. They use the tail and have the lobster "flick" it.

said Someone you don't know on June 6, 2008 2:31 PM.
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