ornate line
All Praise the Penis!

I’ve been around long enough to know that in a man’s world, the penis is the center of the universe. Its no wonder then, that the third leg has been regarded as a supernatural agent that rules one’s heart and mind. A man’s mind, at least. These supernatural powers logically evolved into woody worship.

min1.jpgMen have worshipped the trouser snake for millenia. Evidence of phallic worship go back 28,000 years (give or take a few years). You can see how this happened: the skin pistol rises and it falls under its own will, it leads men where they want to go, and it makes decisions for them. It must be magic! It must be satisfied! It must be revered! And men expected women to follow along. Since men were bigger and stronger, women said “OK, whatever.” We can only speculate on when they figured out that satisfying the sausage resulted in children. Whenever it was, you can be sure that the happy organ was given all the credit for the miracle.

In ancient Egypt, the god Min represented the fertility of the Nile River. He is depicted holding his baloney in his left hand. During the heyday of Egyptian archaeology, his image was only photographed from the waist up to protect Victorian sensibilities. Paintings and reliefs also suffered from vandalism. To this day, there are signs hanging over his lower half, such as “No Smoking” (with a properly Fruedian graphic of a cigarette crossed out).

Ancient Greece (as you could have guessed), was a hotbed of schlong worship.

The Dionysus cult had a public parade every year in which the men carried the largest penis possible by a team of men in a parade through the cities. On the ass which Hephaestus rides, the animal has a penis erection. Even in Aphrodite's temple on Acropolis, the altars were topped with phalluses.

Remnants of this practice are still around, as you can see in this photo.
To Ancient Greece, the penis was the main symbol of fertility and they even created dildos constructed from leather and marketed them. The male idea of female sexuality was that Greek men believed that women envied their penises. Men created artwork displaying women with dildos. Female homosexuality and female masturbation are rarely depicted unless seen with a dildo.

The Greek god Priapus was the embodiment of hotdog worship. He was also the source of the word “priapism” which means boner. Priapus was cursed by Hera, and was born from Aphrodite ugly as sin, but with a huge eternally-erect tube steak. Hera apparently didn’t realize that size would make up for what he lacked in looks! Aphrodite rejected her son as a monster, but he was taken in by a countryman. It wasn’t long before everyone noticed that everything (and supposedly everyone) he touched became amazingly fertile (and in those days, fertile was good).

The Roman Empire tried to stamp out Priapus worship after the advent of Christianity, but some of his followers, although nominally Christian, embraced the worship of Priapus long after they denounced other pagan gods. This painting of Priapus portrays him weighing his hotrod. But wait! Don’t you weigh something by lifting it? How can you lift something thats always standing up anyway? Details, details.

Priapus survives today in the form of a Marvel Comics character, and a Toyota hybrid model, which is priced to attract men undergoing midlife crisis or those attempting to compensate for their nether shortcomings. There was some consternation about the name of the car, which may have been a publicity plant after all, so the car is now the Toyota Volta.

The Old Testament refers to the johnson in many places, most notably in circumcision. The Hebrews used this as a covenant, symbolizing the handing over of one’s most prized possession to God. In Genesis 47:29, a reference is made to swearing an oath by “placing thy hand under my thigh”, which refers to the practice of swearing oaths while holding one’s manthingy.
In classical Hindu tradition, the Lingam is a phallic symbol respresenting of the god Shiva and his rampant sexuality. "Tantric" Hinduism uses ritual sexual intercourse to unite with the sexual power of the goddess Shakti, with magic spells and divinations. Before the Gandhi era, religious art portraying the torpedo was quite common around India. Ghandi, being somewhat of a prude, once said that all the temples portraying erotic sculpture “should be sunk into mud,” to protect “ordinary people”. Now, destinations such as the temples of Khajuraho owe their tax base to ordinary people on honeymoons and traveling shutterbugs.

Thought to be an offshoot of the Lingam of India, men and boys in Thailand even today sometimes wear a manflute amulet to draw bad luck away from the real jewels.

In Russia, Grigory Rasputin’s totem pole came to be heralded as a miracle of its own. The advisor to Czar Nicholas II was reported to have screwed hundreds of thousands of women, including the Czar’s wife and daughters, plus a large part of the Russian aristocracy, despite never bathing. The story goes that when Rasputin was murdered in 1916, a chambermaid appropriated his tallywhacker after the autopsy. The gearshift made its way to Paris, where a cult of Russian expatriate women worshiped the cattle prod as a fertility charm. penisrasputin.jpgRasputin’s daughter was not amused, and took posession of the supposedly 13-inch chimney cleaner. What is reputed to be Rasputin’s boom stick (but may also be a sea cucumber) is now on display at the Russian Museum of Erotica in (appropriately enough) St. Petersburg. There is a much more colorful version of the story at Uncyclopedia, which is probably about as true as the above. I’ve got one more thing to say about Rasputin’s mandingo: Eww!

Symbols derived from such reverance survive today. Phallic symbols include the necktie, church steeples, guns, and even Santa Claus! Slide down the chimney, indeed!

Wang worship still goes on today, despite the tendency of most men to claim ownership of their own piledriver and justify its actions with the science of endocrinology (translation: its natural). PenisToronto.jpgThe Temple Priapus is a modern-day church where phalluses are worshipped. The only other modern-day alternative I found on the net is the Church of the Whale Penis, which is more linkbait than a church. But what an amazing picture! In the modern era, men mostly revere the symbolism of the pocket rocket in the in subtle manners, such as erecting tall buildings and waging pre-emptive wars.

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This will all end with crying

said Shinderpal Jandu on January 18, 2007 10:14 AM.

Rasputin's "penis" is actually a sea cumcumber, it was revealed like 15 or 20 years ago when tests were done on it. This has has been covered on many websites.

said Ryan Thompson on February 13, 2007 1:30 AM.

what is the ideal size of penis and how many time of rial fucking periad

said jutt on February 24, 2007 6:04 PM.
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