This shows only the highlights. If you prefer, you can also watch the full two and a half minute version with no music. I can just hear the jury laughing.

I’ve never been one to advocate theft. But out of my eye’s corner, I can see an item I desperately want. Easily within reach is my seatmate’s cell phone. It’s on her lap. She’s making angry snoring noises. Now’s my chance.

Greetings from Amtrak. We’re coming to you live (on tape delay) from the New York to D.C. leg of Amtrak’s Northeast Regional Service. I have no business in our nation’s capital, but my wife did, and I rarely pass up complimentary lodging.

This represents a significant upgrade from my standard commuting vessel. My legs have room. I was given an in-ride magazine featuring pieces on Jerome Bettis and the best undiscovered restaurants in Montpelier, Vermont. An entire car is dedicated to the sale of snacks, an entity prohibited on my daily bus.

My fellow passengers are more attractive and less angry; they’re from everywhere and could be going anywhere. I helped an elderly Australian couple with their bags, flexing both my diplomatic muscles and my delts. The husband told me they were en route to Newport News, Virginia. The way he said it, Newport News was followed by four question marks. Naming a town must be such a rush.

The excitement of the opening event fades, the challenges are yet to begin. And so we settle into the day to day existence of life in captivity. It has all the downside of the state penitentiary, except that with 12 girls, a dude in a wheelchair, and a Gorean slavemaster, I'm less worried about bending down in the shower to pick up the soap. Although the wheelie dude does keep looking at me funny. Just in case, I carry my Death Duck wherever I go, but realize that whoever gave a steaming Starbucks to a man with absolutely no motor-control has sabotaged him more effectively that I ever could.

This one's for you.

I'll admit it. It is nice.

(An actual edition of Commuting Suicide will be pulling in later today.)

Today on the veg...Kitty Doggie Fights

God bless us, everyone. Via AdRants

Guess who spent 10 hours this weekend getting caught up on this NBC series he hears so much about, because he needed to watch another show that leaves 50 unanswered questions per episode. Questions like, oh, let's see...

- If Hiro went back in time to save the waitress, why didn't she recognize him?
- And he he hadn't yet, how does she know Japanese already?
- If Niki's one of the good guys, why does she want to kill her ex-husband, who came back to save her?
- Did Sylar kill the professor? And if he did, why'd he have to physically bash his head in, instead of throwing fifty forks or a half dozen gym locker doors?
- Who the hell is the Haitian dude?
- What's the Vegas mob guy got to do with any of this?
- If Peter absorb's people's powers, why didn"t he go all Sylar on us when they met?
- Why didn't Sylar kill Hiro in the diner?
- And is Claire's stepdad a good guy or a bad guy? (He is trying to save her, isn't he?)

PS: Who noticed the cheerleader before anyone else?

Where else you gonna hear...Holy Shit, it's Jesus!

For the friends with a sense of humor, the ironic gifts go over big.

- A comment on today’s consumer culture, or just a handy travel item, the Tobias Wong coke spoon.
- An oldie, but still a goodie. Jonathan Adler's Prozak Cannister is the real best part of waking up.
- And in these dangerous times of conflict, nothing say "I love you...now duck" like the ballistic rose.

- Start with a classic...Springtime for Hitler, from when the Producers was funny.
- They mentioned this spray-on condom on SNL. I thought it was a joke. Apparently not.
- Wild Hogs doesn't come out til March, but the trailer's out and it looks pretty good.
- The old pepper in the bowl trick. Guaranteed to get you labeled dork at any party.
- And have a hot cup of 10 bad things that are good for you. It'll make your morning.