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Top Ten Closet Stoners in TV History


Did you see the Greg Brady ciip that went around recently? You know, the one where he's high as a kite during the scene? No, I couldn't tell either. Still funny, though. I heard he got it on with Marcia, Marcia, Marcia once? Must've been a little baked if he was getting it on with his sister.

So this made me think...have there been any stoners in classic tv shows. There must be ten we can turn into a list. Let's see, there was Reverend Jim from Taxi. And Johnny Fever...that's two. Um...the entire cast from that 70's show. Ali G gets high...but that's not tv, that's HBO (copyright). Know what? This is a pain in the ass. Let's do movies instead. That's easier.

10) Smokey - Friday
9) Bender - The Breakfast Club
8) Wooderson - Dazed & Confused
7) Sir Smoke-a-lot - Half Baked
6) The Dude - The Big Lebowski
5) Jay and Silent Bob - Clerks
4) Carl - Caddyshack
3) Billy & Wyatt - Easy Rider
2) Spicoli - Fast Times at Ridgemont High
1) Cheech & Chong - Up in Smoke

Well it definitely was easier. Maybe I should try the top ten mafia flicks, or top six Star Wars movies next. No, let's go back to stoners from tv. They just couldn't talk about it, or the network suits would boot them out the door. These were closet stoners, just like Greg Brady. And we've found ten of them.

10) Muttley
I knew Muttley was baked the very first time I saw him. And I was like six, so what was my childhood like. Here's a case where you've got all the telltale signs. Hangs around with a bad crowd. Laughs at really innapropriate times, and has a tendancy to use words like rasumfrasumrasum. Any normal dog would've stopped the god-damn pigeon by the end of the first show. No, Muttley was definitely rollin' milk bones...wacky racer-style.

9) Wrongway Feldman
I don't need to tell you about Bob Denver, do I. Bob like-a the ganga big time, it's pretty well known. But, we couldn't have little buddy acting all high on coconuts. What would Lovie say. Enter Wrongway Feldman, played by Hans Conreid. Hans and Bob were apparently pretty tight, and I'll bet they created this one together. A guy who lived on the island for 33 years, finally gets up the motivation to take off, and then can't remember where it was. You tell me what's going on there. And by the way...Maryanne over Ginger, any day.

8) The Flying Nun
I like to imagine the pitch meetings for certain shows.
Writer: We get the girl who played Gidget, only this time she's a wacky nun.
Producers: I friggin' love it. When can we start shooting.
Writer: Just as soon as we design the Tomahawk Helicopter propeller thing she wears on her her head.
Producer: Huh?
Writer: Well how else is she gonna fly?
Producer: (on phone) security...

See? It never would've flown (sorry). I think the flying nun was a metaphor for a very 60's peace, love and bonghits way of getting closer to your maker...hollywood-style. Hey, was Scientology around then?

7) That guy from the Way to Eden episode of Star Trek
First of all...how four burnouts searching for a make-believe paradise can take over a star ship is beyond me. The obvious answer...they smuggled a big bag of Romulan gold onto the ship, beamed the smoke onto every deck, and proceeded to go where no man has gone. And the blonde dude was the trippiest of the bunch. Didn't he "dig Spock's ears", or something? Years later, our hero tried to rehabilitate himself by becoming a policeman, but was found carved to bits by a Dr. Hannibal Lector. Let this be a lesson to you kids...Just Say No!

6) Carlton the Doorman
Remember Carlton...Rhoda's Doorman?. On the show they made him out to be a boozer (Ida: Rhoda, it's bad enough that you live in this neighborhood, but there's a drunk sleeping in your lobby. You ought to tell the doorman. Rhoda: That is the doorman.) but that was strictly cover. Everyone knows...you need a certain something in New York, you ask the doorman. Where do you think the whole concierge concept came from, anyway. By the way...Lorenzo Music, who played Carlton brilliantly, was also the voice of Garfield the cat. Explains the eating entire pans of lasagna thing, don't it.

Let's take a moment to pay tribute to a giant in television stoner history...
No, I'm not saying Bob Ross got high. How dare you. Bob was pure, like the spring water he washed his brushes in. No, Bob's what we refer to in the medical community as a carrier. The minute he put paint to canvas, bongs across the nation would come out of hiding in honor of happy little trees everywhere. I'm zoning out just thinking about him. You know, if the fast food industry knew what they owed to Bob Ross, there'd be an afro'ed statue next to every drive-thru in the country. You rocked, Bob. And you did it in crimson, sienna and prussian blue.

5) Lurch
Signs of long-term marijuana use...sleepy appearance, bloodshot eyes, depressed mood, sluggishness, reduced motivation, social withdrawal, inappropriate laughter, altered perception of reality, tendancy to see a small furry guy with no face...next.

4) The Chuckle Patch
No it's not a small town in one of the red states. The chuckle patch was a permanent resident in the Magic Garden, and the only vegetation on our list. Now I don't actually know if plants get hi, but if they weren't, the writers sure as hell were. I mean, these were some happy daisies. And in a magic garden of make-believe, it's usually the laughing flowers that get the best drugs. And I'll bet that damn squirrel was their dealer.

3) Mushmouth
Areba youba kidding meeba? Slurring words is a telltale sign. And this putting "ba" on the end of everything...who even knows how baked you have to be to do that shit. I'm not trying to pick on the speech impediment kid, I'm just sayin'...Fat Albert was called toothpick Al before Mushmouth brought his munchy ways to the junkyard band.. And can someone tell the Southpark guys they got it wrong. It was Dumb Donald who wore the freaky knit hat. Gotta get the details right, ya know? By the way, if you're wondering what he's up to these days...

2) Easy Reader
How great is Morgan Freeman? He wanted kids to get psyched about reading, so he created the coolest character at the entire Electric Company. If you've never seen Easy Reader, he's like Huggybear with an extreme proclivity for spelling and syntax. The guy loved to read. And we're not just talking books. He could spend an hour with the back of a cereal box. (been there) My theory...I think he got his shipments from Mr. McFeely across the street on the Mr. Roger's set. When Easy and McFeely got together, they'd be on the trolley to make-believeville faster than you can say speedy delivery.

And finally...

1) HR PufnStuf
Where, oh where do we begin. HR Pufnstuf was basically a walking joint. Green, with little red hairs...you know the deal. And if you don't, it's really interesting shit. Sid & Marty Krofft make Beavis and Butthead look like accountants. These were the guys behind an insect rock band, a talking sea monster and Sleestaks. Pass...the bong...please. Lidsville alone should've made the authorities suspicious. You create a show based on a world of talking hat people, you've probably got Tommy Chong on speed dial.

Anyway, back to the part-time mayor/part-time marijuana plant...we're proud to list HR PufnStuf as our number one closet stoner. (Not so closeted, maybe) And these days, when you see your kids watching Dora the Builder or Bob the Explorer, remember...you should always make time for the classics. They're mind-expanding.

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Perfect. It would have been a crime if you didn't have Pufnstuf at #1. But I think it was LSD instead of marijuana.

said Miss Cellania on August 7, 2006 9:50 AM.

Just as an FYI, you might want to double check this, but I heard years ago that the "HR" in HR PufnStuf stood for Happy Relaxing. So, his full name is Happy Relaxing PufnStuf. If that doesn't Spell it out, I don't know what does.

said Bob on August 7, 2006 12:53 PM.

This list is an abject failure because it failed to include Scooby and Shaggy as #1.

said Zack on August 7, 2006 12:58 PM.

What about Slowpoke Rodriguez, Speedy Gonzalez's baked cousin???

said Lynchmob on August 7, 2006 1:01 PM.

Lynchmob don't be silly. Everyone knows all mexicans are on some sort of drug.

said Adam on August 7, 2006 1:39 PM.

What about Shaggy & Scooby? or the kids from that 70's show, but more importantly Shaggy and scooby are big snubs on this list

said Emmett on August 7, 2006 2:36 PM.

I am disappointed in this list. I have been trying to stay clean for the last 15 years and all anyone can focus on is the old PufnStuf. Don't you people realize some of us can CHANGE? Oh, and the HR stands for High Roller, not Happy Relaxing, asshole.

said HRPufnStuf on August 7, 2006 4:40 PM.

Hey HR...you holding? (I read it meant "hand rolled") Also, good catch Emmett. I spaced on Shaggy.

said Jellio on August 7, 2006 5:37 PM.

also, the HBO comedy outfit Mr. Show with Bob and David (actually Bob Oedekirk and David Cross) did a wonderful take-off on HR Pufnstuf where they made the drug references blatant and goddamned funny. It was called "the altered state of druggacusetts" and if anyone can find it on youtube or something hook it up.

said tbmusicmaker on August 7, 2006 5:47 PM.

How could you forget Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? That thing was so high.

said Chris on August 7, 2006 6:39 PM.

No, seriously, how could this list NOT include Shaggy?

said Gurn Blanston on August 9, 2006 12:56 AM.

Apparently you don't understand the vernacular "closet"(-ed).

said Munchy Punchy on August 9, 2006 2:23 AM.

a buddy of mine actually sold Bob Denver weed when he was in town doing some dinner theatre about 20 years ago

said KingC on August 9, 2006 11:56 AM.

Did you know that Scooby Snacks is street talk for ecstacy? You know the Fun Lovin' Criminals song? I'm suprised the Scooby doo gang aren't on every drug TV show list (Scooby DOOBIE Dooooo!!)

said X on August 9, 2006 8:41 PM.

yeah, ya shoulda included scoobie and shaggy, but wat about bagpuss and the magic round-about? come on people!!!

said damien on August 10, 2006 10:11 AM.

what about lambchop and all her puppet friends all their eye were like half closed and the song that never ends... that show was a trip

said lauren on August 10, 2006 12:55 PM.

Calm down Emment, why call someone an asshole over that? Take a few puffs & chill the fuck out.

said Pie on August 10, 2006 4:31 PM.

No mention of Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem? Of course, weed is small time stuff with these guys.......

said DrTeeth on August 11, 2006 2:19 PM.

I think that "tink" and speed buggy should be on the list. Also the gang from goober and the ghost chasers, (scooby rip-offs) should have been mentioned. That show was a trip.

said Cheapsk8r on August 11, 2006 4:42 PM.

I'd like to give an honorable mention to the highly underrated Joel of MST3K fame. This guy is WAY too mellow for someone trapped on a sattelite and forced to watch B-rated scifi movies.

said Magg0t on August 11, 2006 7:05 PM.

Hey! Let's not forget The Pink Panther. He was one wild beatnic cat man!

It's amazing how many cartoon stars were and are into serious drugs. How you think the coyote managed to survive all them long falls? PCP man! Angel Dust!

said Atomicat on August 11, 2006 10:17 PM.


said jd on August 12, 2006 12:09 AM.

cookie monster cause he's allways got the munches...

said jd on August 12, 2006 12:10 AM.

yo i watched HR PufNStuf with my sister...and that show is absolutely ridiculous... HR puFFnStuf Cant get a little cause ya cant get enough (something like that)

said Silvershell on August 12, 2006 1:15 AM.

What about yogi and boo-boo you know yogi stole picnic baskets to take care of the munchies,and boo-boo was his dealer

said chief on August 14, 2006 5:48 AM.


said killahoe on August 14, 2006 8:09 PM.

my brother once told me that he thought Fozzie the Bear was always (unspokenly) drunk out of his mind - thus explaining his awful sense of humor and his pink nose

check it out sometime

said wharpua on August 16, 2006 4:00 PM.

make shure you clean your rectum regularly ^_^

said rectum on August 17, 2006 7:24 PM.

I have a suggestion on a present show that kind of takes those kind of shows to the dark side of the moon. Wonder Showzen. That show is ideal for a trip, it's definately not a saturday morning favorite but it has weirdo puppets, kids beatin' the streets, crazy cartoons like homeless war veterens on recon missions in a 7-11 and a duck who travels back in time by climbing into his own ass, and lots of stuff for you to wrap your head around....kinda political too. Thanks to Dr. Teeth, I was in the middle of a computer class and checked out Goober and the Ghost Chasers, I had a good laugh.

said Soma* on August 18, 2006 2:12 PM.

I suspect that the "HR" in "HR Pufnstuf" stands for honorable, as in "The Honorable."

I mean, he was the mayor of the place, right? At least, I think he was. And a mayor's title is, "The Honorable."

BTW the guy who played the kid in 'Pufnstuf' was the same actor who played the Artful Dodger in the big-budget "Oliver Twist." Saw him interviewed last time I was in London, and he explained that when he went to HWood, his family warned him to stay away from drugs...but didn't say a word about booze. So by the time he died, he was like on his third liver, or something.

Bet knowing that will just make yer day.

said Sad Max on August 22, 2006 4:50 PM.

fred and barney were so high they skip work and walk around all day talking to the great gazoo

said b-rad on October 2, 2006 1:50 AM.


Although he was probably more of the crystal-meth-and-Jack-Daniels type.

said cazart on January 15, 2007 5:52 PM.

Dude- not sure what anyone said that was offensive about Mexicans.... I'm Chicano and know quite a few stoners (of all races). Chill out, menso!

Back to the topic: As a kid my dad forbade us from watching Scoobie Doo because he believed Shaggy was a "Marijuano" (Pothead)! He said the same thing about Lenny and Squiggy; Grimmace (from McDonaldland); and the Groovy Ghoulies. He didn't speak much Engish but he said that he could always tell.... I thought that was the funniest thing when I was little. As an adult, I have to say, "Fuck me if he wasn't right!"

said RobertMM on April 24, 2007 2:27 PM.

Dude- not sure what anyone said that was offensive about Mexicans.... I'm Chicano and know quite a few stoners (of all races). Chill out, menso!

Back to the topic: As a kid my dad forbade us from watching Scoobie Doo because he believed Shaggy was a "Marijuano" (Pothead)! He said the same thing about Lenny and Squiggy; Grimmace (from McDonaldland); and the Groovy Ghoulies. He didn't speak much Engish but he said that he could always tell.... I thought that was the funniest thing when I was little. As an adult, I have to say, "Fuck me if he wasn't right!"

said RobertMM on April 24, 2007 2:29 PM.

How about the Banana Splits?
Another Sid and Marty Krofft production.

said Don on May 16, 2007 4:10 PM.

You forgot about Scooby Doo and Shaggy - pass me some Scooby Snax!!

said Connell O'Donovan on January 22, 2008 12:27 PM.
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