YesButNoButYes: Ten other things to name after Steve Colbert.

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.

Well, as many of you may already know, Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report recently put on an awesome display of good old American we're-better-than-youness; showing Hungary what a first-world celebrity can do, by dominating their Name Our New Bridge Contest. He put out an urgent request to every Colbert-watching hero in the nation, and within a week, had over 17 million votes. This easily vaults Stephen into the second round (especially when you consider Hungary has only 10 million people) where he'll probably lose because the contest now requires voter registration, and heros have other things to do.

Still, 17 million votes in one week...Not too shabby, America. For a little perspective, consider 62 million votes elected our last President. Or more importantly, 73 million made Kelly Clarkson our first Idol...and she had an entire season. Explains that look of sheer ecstacy when Stephen annouced the results. The people have spoken, and Steve's their guy!

But it's halftime now, and team Hungary's changed the rules. Looks like no Colbert Bridge in Budapest (or wherever). It was pretty sweet too, not the kind of thing the coyote falls thru with the bomb. This was gonna be first class. Oh well, still got little Stephen Jr. But there must be other nameless items out there just dying for this ultimate American distinction. We've got to move quick though, before their contests expire. So take a look at ten other things we could name after Stephen Colbert. Then we'll all get together to decide which to go after. Because Steve deserves it.

10) This animal shelter mascot

Let's start with a good cause and great opportunity to spread some Colbert love. Stray from the Heart is an animal shelter based in New York City. They provide shelter, care and love for homeless animals of all kinds, which is good news because Stephen doesn't like any fur rubbing up against his limo. The Stray from the Heart folks have a new mascot that needs naming, and Fido, Chief or Rover just won't cut it. Let's make Stray Stephen their new top doggie in charge. And hands off that winner's goody bag...all proceeds go to Mr. Colbert.

9) This cow figurine

I've never been to Maple View Farm...don't know anyone who has. But I've heard they have a tiny cow that needs a name, and it's our patriotic duty to name it...something that starts with "S", I think. This one needs to be filled out in person, though. So we'll need a volunteer to drive out to Orange County, North Carolina. Stephen's from Charleston, isn't he? Maybe you could swing by and say hi. On second thought, better not. The Colbert dobermans don't like strangers.

8) The Purdue Library Coffee Shop

There's a coffee shop being built at Hicks Library. There's a Hicks Undergraduate Library at Purdue University. There's a Purdue University in Indiana. And there's a state named Indiana in America. It's called laddering, people...use it. But back on the coffee shop without a name. How about a nice Double Mocha Colbecchino at the Colbert Cafe? Sounds good, right? But lose the accent. We're not in France Pierre, so let's not spell like it.

7) This stuffed moosehead

Ok, now we're a few days late on this one, but when a golden opportunity like the Camp Maine: Rustic Furniture and Accessories, 1860 - 1940 exhibit comes knocking on your door, you don't tell it to take a hike or we'll call the cops. You embrace it like an old friend...or a dead moose..or a dead moose friend. What I'm saying is if we try real hard, maybe Steve can be OUR dead moose friend. Someone get on the phone to the Brick Store museum ASAP. Our dead moose friend needs us.

6) A baby gorilla or baby buffalo

I'm torn on this one. I mean...a gorilla signifies strength, domination, that Congo movie...but aren't buffalos (buffali?) almost as American as bald eagles. Little Stephen Jr's an eagle...makes a nice set. But gorillas have those red butts, don't they? Actually, that may not be a selling point. Buffalos were on money. Oh, wait...the buffalo's a girl...Stephanie! Steve the gorilla, and Stephanie the buffalo. Ahhh...who's a pretty widdle buffalo. Problem solved, let's move on.

Let's take a brief moment to reflect on one that got away.

How perfect would this have been? Oh well, maybe Cavuto has a parrot.

5) An Austin Cha Cha Band

As is quickly becoming tradition, we've formed a band for our fall dance epic, We Are Normal, Cha Cha Chaaa.

I don't know about you, but I've got my tickets. And I seem to remember Steve doing a little salsa dancing. That's basically the tango...right? This one should go over big with the Latino demographic. Let's call the band El Colberto...Spanish for The Colberto. Seems like a natural, and imagine it on a black satin jacket. I'll give them a call just as soon as someone tells me what a theremin is? cha, cha, cha.

4) A tropical cyclone

I keep reading how weather is big these days. Like, floods and hurricanes and stuff. I found this site that lets you recommend names for cyclones. Don't hear too much about cyclones...could be our chance to break into the crappy weather market. One thing...the site's based in Hong Kong, and names need to be submitted in English and Chinese. So whoever votes, remember to write Stephen AND Sleephen. (That was just wrong...childish and wrong...I apologize) But seriously, is there a more perfect match than Stephen and a whole lotta wind. Let's get to the cyclone committee ASAP, while they're still above water.

3) The Idaho Arena Football franchise

You're in Boise Probably got a nice room at the Westin, and you're heading over to the annual greek food festival or maybe the experimental music jamboree. But the souvlakis and synthesizers won't last forever, what else is there to do? How about some foot-ball! That's right, sports fans. Arena Football is coming to Boise, and the team needs a name. I thought we missed this one, but there may still be time. After 1,600 entries, it looks like the best thing they've got is the Spud Runners, which I actually kinda like. But the Colbert Heros has a much better ring to it. Or maybe just the Colberts...we'll let the Idahoites decide.

2) This new park in Houston

Ok...now we're talking. Houston...Texas...Bush Country...COLBERT PARK! From what I've read, it's got a dog run (Stephen loves man's best friend), some fountains (a big granite Steve sounds pretty sweet), even a pond (Stephen loves frogs). We need this one, heroes. They announce the winning name on October 16th, but I'm thinking if we ask real nice, maybe they'll push it to November sweeps. Could be the perfect home for Stephanie the buffalo, too. I hear they do things big in Texas, and nothing's bigger than Colbert.

1) A recently discovered Dwarf Planet

I'm tired of all this crap about Pluto. Ohhh...poor Pluto. Our dear little Pluto. You know what...screw Pluto. What did Pluto ever do for us? I actully think I saw him whispering something to Neptune behind our backs. See if you don't start finding astronomer parts all over the place, then tell me who's crazy. And while we're on the subject, Haley's Comet can kiss my ass, too. Like I got all day to wait.

But back on the subject of Stephen...while everyone else is worrying about Pluto, I think the opportunity is that 2003UB313 thing. You know, the one they call Xena. Xena? Are you kidding me? She doesn't even have a show. And her SNL hosting gig was WEAK. Planet, or excuse me...Dwarf Planet Colbert, or Little Stephen for short, is the perfect name. And with everyone down on the universe lately, what better way to bring some pep back to the solar system.

By the way. I've also read that Stephen has a moon. If we're looking for a name for that, does anyone have any objection to Bill?

Bonus) Our new bundle of joy!

Do you know how LONG I looked for someone asking for suggestions for their own kid's name. And I finally found one in...ummm...Fishtown. Now we may be a little late on this one, so I didn't include it in the 10. But who knows? If the blessed event hasn't occurred yet, I think the parents would be thrilled to welcome little Colby. And yes, I know everyone's suggesting girl names, and Colby is for boys. Have you seen the chicks in Fishtown? We'll tell 'em it's short for Colbianna. They'll love it...trust me. Awwww...who's a widdle fishtown girl?

So that's the list people. As you can see, there's a ton of nameless stuff out there...like, stuff that needs a name. So, now the real work begins. Send this list to everyone you know, and tell them to vote for the name Stephen...vote early and vote often. Let's show those goulash swilling Stephen-haters how we do things on the West side. A vote for Stephen is a vote for Democracy. And Democracy will prevail, if we have to stuff every ballot box to do it.