Step 1: The Arrest

Be calm, you’re among professionals. Last year over 10 million Americans were arrested, the vast majority without incident, and only a very small percentage beaten to an inch of their life for “resisting” by a cop taking his frustrations out on the young punk in front of him. With any luck, you’ll just be another routine arrest for insert misdemeanor crime here. (Note: If you’ve been arrested for a felony, please refer to our sister book, “Serving Time For Dummies.”

That being said, there are certain rules of etiquette to follow that will make the process easier for everyone involved:

1. Be polite! Remember those “yes sirs” and “no sirs” that your mother taught you? Here’s the perfect time to use them. Referring to the policeman as a “pig” is just bad manners when a little sugar will go a long way in making sure the officer slapping the cuffs on you is in a good mood. Remember, a happy policeman leads to a happy prisoner!

2. Don’t offer suggestions. Telling the officer, “That’s not the way they do it on ‘Law and Order’” is a sure way to get those metal bracelets tightened to the bone. Ouchies!

3. Never lay down in the backseat of the police car. That just makes the officer nervous and plus you never know who was back there an hour ago. Lying in a pool of half dried, transvestite hooker vomit is a sure way to start your arrest off on a sour note. Good posture is never wrong!

Step 2: Getting Checked In

Once the ride to “downtown” is complete you’ll arrive at your local jail. How you handle this transition period is important to the rest of your stay. Stay sharp by following these pointers!

1. Don’t rush things. Each arresting officer has a certain way of doing things and it’s important that you let the policeman stay “large and in charge.” Lunging toward doors and especially gun cabinets is a sure way to make him nervous and that’s not what you want. Remember, a calm policeman leads to a happy prisoner!

2. Empty your pockets in an orderly manner. Don’t pile up your possessions in a jumble; arrange items that might be on interest in stacks. Certain denominations of currency, like 10’s and 20’s are often just the right shade of green to catch a booking officer’s eye. Helping him find these items is a great way to assure you a friendly greeting and a gentle touch when it comes time to escort you to the holding cell.

3. Use your real name. While signing official documents as “Harry Balls” or “Juawanna Kizmyazz” my produce an inner chuckle, it’s sure to lead to a frown for the documents clerk. Such frowns often have a way of transferring themselves to your face when the clerk announces that “Heywood Jablome” has an extradition warrant outstanding in Uzebekistan.

Step 3: Your New Home

Once the official sign in process is over, it’s time for you to be transferred to a holding cell. You’re going to be spending several hours in this small space so it’s important to have a plan of action. Be ready to make the right choices!

1. Most holding cells consist of a small sitting space, a larger standing area, and a toilet that was last cleaned during the Roosevelt administration. A little knowledge can go a long way in making your stay as comfortable as possible because just like real estate, a holding cell is all about location, location, location! Please see figure one for help in choosing the correct place to stand.

2. Notice I said stand? That’s because sitting down makes your body occupy less space and is an invitation for anyone else in the holding cell to move closer. It’s not uncommon for a clueless first time holding cell occupant to sit down and then find a 300-pound “friend” in rhinestones scooting closer and closer, looking to “just share some body heat”. Passive possession of breathing room is an important part of your visit. Remember, a non-groped prisoner is a happy prisoner!

3. Unfortunately because of budget cuts and jail overcrowding, a typical holding cell may provide a lack of options when it comes to choosing where you’re going to stand for the next 7 hours. Please see figure two for further clarification.

Step 4: Meeting Your New Neighbors

Sharing a tight confined space with complete strangers who lack basic manners, hygiene, and/or dental care can be a confusing time. Just remember to keep your cool and act detached from the surroundings. Your fellow cellmates have no idea just how clueless you are, pretend you’ve done this a thousand times! Here are a few other basic rules.

1. Don’t start a conversation. The man standing just inches away from you and breathing on your face is unlikely to be involved in your hobbies or interests. While defeating the final boss mob in Elder Scrolls on your X Box is a notable achievement, it’s not going to be as engrossing to Juan who just beat the shit out of his girlfriend for stealing his crystal meth.

2. Don’t make friends. Prison buddies are much like McDonald’s french fries; good at first but they turn disgusting after a few hours. Remaining aloof can also be a benefit in the months ahead. Having to hide a former cellmate in your house for a few days until “the heat dies down” can cause an unnecessary amount of concern and discussion among family members and girlfriends. Remember, a standoffish prisoner is a happy prisoner!

3. Do mental exercises to help pass the time. Those hours in a holding cell can seem like an eternity if you're doing nothing but listening to a drunk mumble the chorus of “Move Them Butts” over and over again. Keep those seconds zooming along by keeping the mind occupied! Mentally write that English paper you’ve been working on, try to remember all 50 of the state capitals, or explore all the failed life decisions that helped create this living hell that you’ve found yourself in… the choices can be endless!

Step 5: Catch and Release

All too soon you’ll find yourself leaving your new surroundings, bailed out by a relative or clueless friend who thinks you’re going to repay that 200 bucks he spent at the bail bond office. While many think this is the end of the process, it’s important to remember that it’s not over yet!

1. You’re out on bail, not free. Forgetting an important court date or failing to file paperwork is a sure way to get yourself back in the pokey for a longer stretch. While serving time may seem glamorous on “Prison Break” in reality it’s a painful process that’s best to be avoided. That cool tribal tattoo you got last summer in Cabo San Lucas isn’t a magic blueprint of the prison sewer system and your roommate is more likely to be homicidal redneck than some lovesick Puerto Rican with a heart of gold.

2. Don’t boast about your experience. You did a few hours at the local lock up, not 10 years in Folsom. Bragging about your jail time won’t improve your street cred, its just going to make your friends think twice about letting you into their home and introducing you to their hot sister. Remember, a silent ex-con is a happy (and possibly hot sister humping) ex-con!

3. Keep in mind that now you’ve got a police record. Being arrested once just means it’s all too easy to get arrested a second time. Remember that when potential law breaking activities are discussed around you. While breaking into the girl’s dorm for an oldschool panty raid may seem like a great idea to your friends it’s more likely to get you arrested as a sexual predator and two time loser. Serving a year upstate because you got caught with a handful of Victoria Secrets thongs in your hand is the quickest way to bring down your grades and get you kicked out of the frat.

By following these simple tips you can help turn your jail time into the fun time it’s meant to be. Remember, an informed prisoner is a happy prisoner!