10) Marillion - Kayleigh

Could someone PLEASE tell me why this song, no, why this ENTIRE ALBUM (“Clutching at Straws”) wasn't a hit when it was released in the US back in 1987? Where were all of you people? I looked it up, and do you know what song YOU made popular while this wondrous musical testament died on the vine? “Catch Me (I'm Falling)” by Pretty Poison and “Only In My Dreams” by Debbie Gibson. Debbie FRIGGIN' Gibson. YOU people made those two flashes-in-the-pan popular over here, not me! I was freezing my ass off in the Army in West Germany then, and I FELL IN LOVE with this album all alone, and when I play it here even now, people are like, “Is this like a demo or something new?” I place this album in terms of musical content, lyrics and downright ability to squeeze every emotion out of me HIGHER than Pink Floyd's “The Wall.” Yeah, I said it! See for yourself, I DARE you! The album's themes (drinking to forget lost love, breakups, waah waah waah) should be MORE than enough for a couple of you to look it up and check it out! AAAH!

9) Thomas Dolby - Screen Kiss

This song was from a great album also, 1984's “The Flat Earth.” It's depressing, and sad, and slow and one of my more favorite songs. Pills, children crying, spousal violence, suicide, and so much more! A perfect analogy to the ugly underbelly of L.A.'s so-called hip scene. (I also have to admit that another song off the album, “I Scare Myself,” is just as good, but it's a bit sappy, but I NEVER hear either of these songs on the radio. “Hyperactive,” yes - these two - no. What a shame that the radio industry is so fucking money driven. Glad that I have satellite radio. Oh wait - that's irony, huh? I'm paying for my freedom from free radio that is blah blah blah... I get it. Well, I'll never hear this song on either side, so who cares?

8) Rough Trade - High School Confidential
“She's a cool blonde scheming bitch, she make my body twitch, walking down the corridor...” And these lyrics were co-written by Carole Pope, the FEMALE lead singer! A great controversial song from a band that officially had 6 albums to their name in less than 10 years but never broke the US market. Once again, here's an instance of an entire country corn-fed on shit like Wham! and Culture Club, yet great groups like this don't have a real chance in Hell to make it. Sad, really. The song is great for several reasons - it perfectly evokes sexual teen angst, adds a hint of lesbianism, and makes so many pop culture references (Mamie Van Doren???) that I just can play it over and over. It works because it doesn't try to!

7) The J. Geils Band - No Anchovies, Please
I first heard this as a “novelty record” on “The Dr. Demento Show” back in the winter of 1980/1981 and, like the woman who is the subject of the song, I found myself wrapped in long sheets of cellophane and awaking in a strange, foreign-speaking nation! It's off the “Love Stinks” album and is one of the better songs ever written by the Boston-based band, hell, by ANYONE! It's funny, happy, and tells a bizarre story, and will freak out your friends. They'll think the drugs are kicking in when they hear this one! And you know what? I think they are.

6) Laurie Anderson - O Superman (for Massanet)
Just who does she think she is? She's got Lou Reed as a lover for almost 20 years, has been given critical accolades worldwide for her free use of sound in her many albums, and all she is famous for is this song? But guess what? If I was only famous for this song, I'd take it. This song is a deconstruction of America, a blistering indictment of our blinding superiority led by an idiot president at the button in the early 1980's, and it was still a semi-hit regardless! It’s off the monster 5-album set “United States Live,” by the way, which in itself is a magical 2 hour ride. What is it that gets my heart racing when I listen to it every time? Is it because of the synth-influenced violins, the repeating “ha-has” throughout the entire 8 minutes, or was it because it just sounded so goddamn cool? Who knows, but she still performs all over the world, is an AVID anti-nuke supporter, and still has the kinky short hair. She's one of the best original American music makers we can offer, and I'm proud of it because she was born here in the suburbs of CHICAGO! Yeah! U-S-A! U-S-A!

5) Jerry Jeff Walker - Desperados Waiting For The Train
There's just something about country that is so hokey to me, but this little gem was recorded back in way way back in 1973 on the album “Viva Terlingua” and is forever of my favorite albums. This song should be made into a music video, and I'd finance it, but ONLY on the condition that THIS VERSION, not the subsequent 9 or 10 remakes of it, are used for it. It's a ballad, a remembrance and a tribute to old ways being stomped out by the new. I was given the cassette back in 1984 when I was in basic training by an Army buddy (thanks, Mr. Peterson) and when I asked him how much he wanted for it, he said to just “pass it along.” I have made it a point of crowing about it everywhere I've gone since. It is PURE country, not like those cookie-cutter types, like Garth Brooks, with the split personality. This guy has written DOZENS of hits (Mr. Bojangles, etc.) for other country & rock bands, and he himself is still alive and kicking and still touring after 40+ years in the business! To see how country music should be done, without all the hooks and the bullshit, just try and catch him when he comes to town.

4) Fire, Inc. - Nowhere Fast
One of the best rockers from one my top 10 best movies EVER, the glorious 1984 “Streets of Fire,” and its soundtrack is great, great, GREAT! Written by Jim Steinman, the song blazes on screen and quickly introduces three of the best actors to come out of the film - Diane Lane, Michael Pare, and in his first screen appearance, Willem Defoe. I remember sitting in the theater pretty much alone and enjoying the shit out of it. It didn't make an article I had written on here recently (It's On TNT Again, But Hey - They Were Great In The Theater Once!) because there were actually more than a few people out there like me who enjoyed it, but it was still a monumental flop anyway. IRONY ALERT: Meat Loaf, who was by this time almost dead broke, tried to recapture the magic by re-recording this song for his “Bad Attitude” album at the SAME EXACT TIME, but with no success, either. And speaking of the big rocker...

3) Meat Loaf - Two Out Of Three Ain't Bad

Yes, we've all heard it a billion times by now. Yes, it's off one the top 10 best albums ever recorded, “Bat Out Of Hell.” Yes, it's hokey, it's over the top, and it was written by one of the greatest songsmiths ever as well (Jim Steinman again), and you know what? I don't care what ANYONE THINKS, this should be in your collection. This is a great love song, and as hard and as crunchy as it sounds now, it will always hurt you a little, because you know it will always remind you of that one lost love from your past, and you can't run away from it, ever. Just like this gloriously sappy, overdone, wonderful song.

2) Brian Setzer - Three Guys
Brian Setzer was part of this little band called the Stray Cats once. From 1981 to 1984, you couldn't get their music out of your head, and they made 'rockabilly' popular for all the kids out there. Then, because of whatever was buzzing around in his head, he left the band and went solo. In 1986, he decided to jump on the 'let's-be-like-Springsteen' bandwagon. As Bruce in 1984 did “Born In The USA,” and John Cougar 'MELLENCAMP' did in 1985 with “Scarecrow,” Brian put out his “The Knife Feels Like Justice.” I only mention these three albums together because despite the very small (VERY SMALL) subtle differences in musical tone, they all sound EXACTLY THE SAME in the preachy way-overdone messages of each and every goddamn song... EXCEPT 'Three Guys.' It's about God, boys and girls, and all three are one, and we're all rockin' together, and it's cool. Look, if you're tired of “Born...” and “Scarecrow,” give Brian a chance to bore you. I like the whole album, there are song great songs about it. It reminds me of when I went cross-country from Chicago to Yakima, Washington on a Greyhound bus in 1997. I can still remember Montana skies, and bad food, and three days of travel. THREE days. In retrospect, the album and the trip wasn't all THAT bad.

And the number one song you may (or may not) have missed but should have regardless...

1) Whodini - Five Minutes Of Funk
You need to have this in your Ipod, you need to be listening to this right now, and you need to remember the first time you heard it, like me. I first heard it in the spring of 1985, in AIT (Advance Individual Training) school in Ft. Jackson, SC. Two Black guys from a magical place called the “Boogie Down Bronx” and they enlisted together, and they brought this cassette with them, and they were “rapping” all up and down the sweaty old barracks happilyscreaming out some of the lyrics I've included below, now seared into my head forever. Thanks, New York... :

Come on - One for the treble...
Two for the Bass...
Three for the ladies...
Four for the plaid!

Five, minutes of funk, this ain't no junk
So pull your bottom, off the tree stump
Ladies real pretty, from city to city
But now we're gettin’ down to the nitty gritty

From the bottom to the top, the top to the bottom
I'm gonna rock ‘em, while I still got ‘em
Our rappin’ shower has style and power
And this, is our disco hour

I dont know what all of you have heard
So it's up to me to spread the word
About the man that we feel has got to be real
Our crowned Prince on the wheels of steel

He goes by the name of Grandmaster Dee
So if it's alright with you, it's alright with me
We gonna rock you people's minds with ease
With some help from the Maestro, if you please

I'm sorry, your five minutes are up, please begin your ending, or your volume will be terminated...

Indeed-deedy-deed! Thanks for reading.