These are probably some of my most favorite secret movie loves, and I've listed them FAIRLY chronologically by my experiences in encountering them in the theater. Enjoy.

10) A CHRISTMAS STORY - I saw this at the old River Oaks Mall in Lansing, Illinois right after Thanksgiving, 1983. Me and my 3 other poor-ass brothers piled into my older brother's rusty 4-door black Oldsmobile Omega with no heat to get there in the gray afternoon. We went the first week it came out, and we were mostly alone, and all I remember was that Ralphie was a pussy and needed an asskicking, and it greatly reminded me of me a bit, having begged our mother for the $10.00 to get us all in. Growing up a mere piece of coal shale's throw from Gary, Indiana, this was the way it was - dismal and cold, but according to the Parker family on the screen, they had this thing called 'love.' BTW, this movie DID bomb in the theaters, making a piddly 2M it's first weekend in only 500 theaters NATIONWIDE. You may know it from it's 24-hour marathons on TNT, or by turning it on on Xmas day on your DVD player - but I know it from sitting with my 3 other sad brothers, sharing one small box of Good-n-Plenty, and not laughing too much, except me. I got it, and luckily, I still do.

9) THE EXTERMINATOR - Downtown Chicago in late 1984. It sucked. I remember there were more perverted scumbags in this 5-block Loop area than anywhere else, and this was the only place the “3 kung-fu movies for a dollar” theaters were - the old McVickers, the State Lake, and the rundown Chicago Theater, but most of all, there was the United Artists theater, sandwiched between the rundown Greyhound bus station and a grouping of peep shows full of gay guys and fresh off the bus hustlers. I remember seeing Robert Ginty up there on the screen kicking ass as the Vietnam vet gone vigilante and thought “there would never be another action hero like that in the films ever!” (even though the movie was made in 1980). A year later, there was this little 'B' movie that came out called “The Terminator,” with a guy who kill kill killed and looked a lot like a Vietnam vet gone vigilante... maybe you've heard of it? Look it up. p.s. - I almost got molested in the bathroom.

8) BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION - Ellen Barkin! Peter Weller! That weird dude from 'Fast Times From Ridgemont High!' I didn't get it the first time I saw it, so I went back again and again and again until I did. I saw this at the AAFES (Army & Air Force Exchange Service) Theater at Fort Lewis, Washington state in 1985. I was the only one there, I paid $1.75, and I went back and saw it four more times every day until (or so the rumor goes) a high-ranking officer wanted it out and had it hastily replaced with “An Officer and A Gentleman.”

7) DON'T BE A MENACE TO SOUTH CENTRAL WHILE DRINKING YOUR JUICE IN THE HOOD - It was 1996 and I went to a theater here in Chicago in the Englewood neighborhood with my date. The neighborhood was Black. The entire audience was Black. My date was Black! The screen went black and then the movie began. I have to admit that this film was a precursor to Scream or Scary Movie, and was the black version of Airplane, and they took every liberty they could against every 'message' Black film in the last 5 years. No one was laughing. My date didn't laugh. I was screaming. I was also sitting in the middle of the middle row of a packed theater at 8pm at night. After it ended, I got up, my date wanted to go the opposite way I was, and I think I had to stare back at 25 puzzled and downright hostile faces. I didn't care, I walked out with her, and we left. We didn't speak for a bit then she opened up and we laughed it off. I got laid later on that night, and she was the first girl to ever use the word 'Daddy' to me in bed - and I LIKED it. Is it because I stood up for myself? Could be... nice!

6) DARK CITY - I know, I know, it's friggin classic sci-fi noir, but guess what? Not in 1998, and not in MY theater! There were so many people scratching their heads as they walked out that I actually wanted to sit them all back down and have an after-film discussion. It's too bad they were all on the way out. I had to laugh! It had a great plot, John Hurt was great, Kiefer Sutherland was a loon, and Rufus Sewell? Who? Yeah! I think the only critic that championed it was Roger Ebert. That's what made this film great - he understood the idea of a surreal world that never saw daylight, and oh... you know what it's about - at least you do now.

5) DEEP IMPACT - Look, let's get this straight once and for ALL - this film was FAR FAR FAR superior to the bullshit music video-edited “Armageddon,” and I walked out in friggin awe, and I'll admit it, almost in tears. This should have been the Special Effects entry for the Oscars in 1999. It did NOT have the classic Hollywood happy ending, there was no MTV 1/2-second editing, and there was an actual PLOT! Armageddon? It was noise, noise NOISE! There were a few people in the theater with me, and I think that EVERYONE hated it. A BLACK PRESIDENT? YEAH, Morgan FRIGGIN Freeman, that's right! I've been defending it for a long time, and I always will. Screw Ben Affleck and screw Bruce Willis! 1998 was a good year... here's reason two:

4) DEUCE BIGALOW, MALE GIGOLO - I laughed my ass off about this one - once again, an empty theater, Ebert loathed it, and my son TJ who was 13 at the time loved it too. Of course, it was made for someone like him. We laughed, we hopped around from seat to seat, we had a popcorn fight - a classic time and a memory I'll never forget. Now what would 1998 be without the last in the film trifecta of that year... here's reason three:

3) DIRTY WORK: I was able to catch this before it was ripped out of the sprockets of the projector above me right after I was done watching it. It's hands down one of the stupidest of the stupid new “buddy-buddy” movies out there. And the funniest. I don't care what history tells me, but the outtakes at the end of the movie featuring Artie Lange choking on Grandma's Brownies is a classic, right up there with - dare I say it? - a little fellow named Charlie Chaplin dancing by using bread rolls. Yes, I said it, so there!

2) ZOOLANDER - I needed a laugh, and I thought this would an easy disposable 2 hours. It was a few weeks after 9-11, and everyone was still walking around in a bit of a daze, and we still trusted the President (somewhat) and THIS came onscreen. There was something wonderful, so escapist, and so downright absurd about it and I remember it not wanting to end. There was maybe 10 people in the audience, and I laughed the loudest out of all of them. but then again, I was the ONLY one laughing.

Now since 9-11, these kind of movies just aren't made anymore. They just don't make em like this. But every now and then, one slips under the radar, and is so offensive, so blasphemous, you can't it believe it was made, and is almost immediately universally panned. But guess what? It's my ultimate 'bad movie' love...

1) BAD SANTA - I took a date with me to see this, she got it, and now she's my wife. Just kidding. I dragged a date in, and she sat there watching me more with sheer raw anger as she watched me view the endless sick parade of twisted perversions on the screen as I laughed and cried in the virtually empty theater. To Hell with “A Christmas Story,” I've found a new Xmas classic, and it seems a few other people feel the same way I do - check this out .

So there it is - please share, and tell us what your favorite theater bad film experience. Remember, you had to be the only one who liked it! Happy viewing!