I'm puttering around on a lazy Saturday, flipping through the daily mail, and what do I see? Our own Jellio is featured in this month's Cargo Magazine!

If only I had a scanner. Click here to see what earned him this coveted mainstream-media ink.

During the summer of 1998, I watched approximately 24 episodes of The Magic Hour, perhaps the worst show in the history of television. But it was appointment viewing. Each episode offered many, many minutes of conversational fodder for the following day. And nothing has approached it since.

Weekends With Maury & Connie, however, is as close as I've seen. Because not enough people are watching TV at 10am on Saturday, I don't see this catching on in a must-see-because-it-sucks-so-badly kind of way. At least Magic was likable. Let's just say these two aren't.

But if you happen upon this train wreck, give it five minutes. Then pass it on.

Connie just ended the show with an embarrassing dance, chanting "Go Condi! Go Condi! Go Condi!"

...educate yourself about "house humping."

House humping is a term used to the describe the act of a couple going to a real estate open house, finding a semi-private part of the house, and having some form of sexual encounter. The practice is common to North America and appears to have originated in the Pacific Northwest, either in Seattle or Vancouver. House humping developed in the early part of the 21st Century concurrent with an increase in housing prices, high demand for home ownership, and an increase in the number of open houses as a tool by real estate agents to sell a house. Frequently referred to as either a hot real estate market, or a real estate bubble, this period engendered a near frenzy among first-time homebuyers that sometimes manifest itself sexually.

From GQ, Wikipedia & AllAboutAll.info. Read more.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go ahead with your open house. You just might want to install cameras. Selling the footage could help defray closing costs.

As always, these are actual letters to People magazine. We can learn a lot from our fellow Americans (and, in this episode, Canadians).

On Bra-Jen-Lina...

"There is one word that describes Jennifer Aniston all the way, and that word is 'classy.'"
Carol
San Diego, CA

"Congratulations on your exclusive and great story. I have asked others to support you by buying more than one copy."
Cassie
Toronto, Ontario

On Brokeback Mountain...

"Growing up in Oklahoma, we never had to worry about the orientation of another man. Now, thanks to this film, we have to."
Casey
Oklahoma

See the first, second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth installments in this rare feature.

- According to Steve Colbert, cowboys were admiring each others firearms long before Brokeback.
- Do not piss off Joe Rogan...not unless you can take the pain brought on by a really nasty MySpace post.
- Wondering who was gonna fill the void left when Jim Varney passed on? Wonder no more.
- Yet another way to spend more money than you make in NYC...take a helicopter ot the airport.
- And one of the best Triumph bits in a while...celebrating the Year of the Dog.

"Ultraviolet" * (out of four): Writer-director Kurt Wimmer manages to waste both Milla Jovovich and 88 minutes of your time.

With “Ultraviolet”, a comic book movie based on a comic that doesn’t actually exist, writer-director Kurt Wimmer shows the same lack of subtly he brought to the Christian Bale debacle “Equilibrium”. The heroine of “Ultraviolet” (named, naturally, Violet) is a “hemophage”, some sort of vampire with abilities that, like much in the film, are never clearly defined. The film picks up in the midst of a “blood war” between the humans, led by the evil Daxus (Nick Chinlund) and the “phages”, led by no one in particular. The details of the blood war? Not exactly clear. When Violet (Milla Jovovich) comes into possession of a weapon in the form of a young boy (Cameron Bright from “Godsend”) she finds herself the target of both sides (again, not entirely sure why).

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