For those of you who are newcomers to YesButNoButYes, or don't read the comments on our stories, you may be unaware that unofficially we have an extra member of our regular writing team. Johnny Chicago first posted a comment to our site just a few short months ago - September 6th 2005 to be precise. Since then, he's become a regular fixture, a serial commenter, always keeping us on track, and making sure that he calls “bullshit” whenever he sees it.
Recently, after I complimented one of his comments, he wrote:
I must paraphrase a wise sage, Anna Scott, who once said, “One day, not long from now, my writing will go, they will discover I can't write, and I will become some sad middle-aged man who sounds a bit like someone who was quasi-famous for awhile.”
Wished I'd kept a record of everything I wrote here. Now THAT thread would probably be scary, and odd, and full of fiery anger, and downright intresting - in my mind, anyway.
Wonder no more, Johnny. I sifted through over 160 of your comments and pulled excerpts from your best work. It's all the things you suspected, and more, and while the views are always uniquely your own, on behalf of us all may I say that you make this site a much better place.
Anyone easily offended or with a nervous disposition should turn back now....
On Barbara Bush:
This only proves two things:
1) Being a stupid bitch isn't genetic, I guess just married into, even though she SPAWNED the Son of Satan, and
2) Sounds like mama shared some coke with her bitch-ass coward of a son back in the day. No wonder we are “at war,” the fucking moron must be hallucinating.
ONE BULLET IS NOT ENOUGH.
On the Ted Williams Death Mask:
..on the bright side, once again, a stupid white man is once again spending money on bullshit and now is trying to get more stupid white people to spend their money to see his shit.
Which is creepier? The exhibit or white people?
Hmmmmmm.. the world may never know.
I will NEVER forget his lapse in judgement for not standing up for all the bullshit people have truly suffered down in N.O. since the hurricane hit, and for this caucasian shitheel to not agree somehow but be WHITE and a FUCKING COWARD definately shows me that HE AIN'T SHIT!!!
Well, I have a buddy who got a screener copy of it, and it sucks. Not a lot happens, and going down in the so-called 'abandoned' bunker doesn't lead to ANYTHING. Not a god-damned thing. Fuck.
Sorry, guys. The first season is the ONLY season you're gonna watch, over and over and over...
On George Bush:
I hate Bush for destroying America and making us the laughing stock of the world.
I would like to drop him off on the corner of 67th and Halsted (Chicago's ghetto for all of you overprotected white folks out there) at 3am naked.
I would like to send him to Iraq by himself with nothing but a rifle and substandard body armor driving a Hummer with no bulletproof plates.
Yes, I want all of this to happen to him - and more.
On Curb Your Enthusiasm, Extras, Desp Housewives, West Wing:
4 shows I could give a wet humping shit over.
Now, the Milton Berle Show? THAT was television.
On Homeland Defense:
WE are under attack. And we've pretty much lost.
Our rights are being whittled down to nothing with every night session of Congress.
One more huge disaster like LA and TX and FEMA can and WILL use their authority to suspend ALL local authority pretty much everywhere, and EVERYBODY will kowtow to their regime. Funny that after 2001 they were put under the wing of “Homeland Security?”
There's more, but I hear helicopters above me...
On religion:
Religion - ALL religion - is BULLSHIT.
Written mostly by dead white men (a few jews here and there, and a couple of Muslims too), it portrays a “god' as this loving non-terrestrial creature, benevolent, a know-it-all who tell you the rules, then has the audacity to claim to 'love' you while telling you that if you are not part of the pack (gay, a woman, or anything else inferior) you are not worthy to walk around in this 'god's' circle and if you stray one inch from his rules, you go to HELL.
Funny... Have you noticed the only two movies you gave 4 stars to are about: fear, anger, mistrust, frustration, exclusion, overreaction?
This whole country has become a nation of bundled-up nerves and psychological xenophobia.
On Lauren Hutton:
I fell in lust with Lauren back in 1985 when she starred in ”Love at First Bite“ with a VERY very young Jim Carrey. She was hot hot hot!
She was a ”supermodel“ before the word was even invented, and doesn't need a reality show for the world to know who the fuck she is!
She was doing covers for everyone while Janice was still sucking off Andy Warhol for skag in the VIP room of Studio 54!
On a post by Scaramouch on trained moths:
Good Key-rist this blog has gotten boring.
Can we attempt ANYTHING or real relevance?
Try the kitchy 70's top 80's pop culture references again... you MIGHT get a rise out of me again.
Signed, A former hardcore fan.
On Giving Bob A Dollar:
Alright, alright.. I gave the guy a few bucks, and some bizarre directions... let's see if he does it, though. This will the test of true enslavement of will through monetary freedom.
If it has worked for the Republic-scum for some of the sheep in Amerika, it might work for me!
On Santa Claus:
I want to shoot down Santa just as he enters US airspace with a Russian-made shoulder-assisted LAW rocket with heat-seeking abilities and a tip loaded to the hilt with American-made phosphorus.
I want to see the fat bastard struggling with all of his Kringle-like futility to keep the sled going as he goes down in flames, and I hear the agonizing cries of reindeer frying and twisting in the wind as they plummet to their icy death over the Atlantic. I want to be the first to call 911 and scream wildly into the phone ”The fat man's dead!“
I want to be the guy you see on the TV as they ask me what happened and I want to say in my best ghetto voice ”I seent it, I seent it ALL, yo!“ I want to sell gruesome burnt crispy still-soaked souveneirs on Ebay. I want to see children cry and convince grandmothers to weep.
On the Pearl Harbor anniversary:
December 7th will be remembered for the day the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, killing many US servicemen.
64 years later on the same day, a 44 year-old citizen with a (alleged) history was gunned down and killed by a US Air Marshal as he (allegedly) yelled out that he had a bomb in his carry-on bag.
This country has become the serpent that has begun to eat it's own tail. This country will be destroyed by it's own arrogant pride and overzealousness to be American-like.
On tasteless Christmas Displays:
During this most ”Holie$t“ of $eason$, I would set up a interactive display on my yard where anyone can come up off the street and hammer REAL NINE INCH NAILS into an effigy of the dead Jew guy and help me and others during the hourly ”hoisting of the Jew!“
On South Park:
There has always been sarcastic shits like them around for a billion years. There will always be someone, no matter how perfect we want it to be, who either stand in the light like them and fling shit, or cower in darkness and randomly tear a new asshole into the President, society, religion, and almost everything you can name.
Like me.
On religion again:
Face it: God does not answer 'prayer.' The human written concept of God is a twisted joke that persuades you to feel guilty, forces you to ask more questions than to solve the problems you had in the first place, and makes you go to a drafty enclave every Sunday and give some of your hard earned coin to a guy wearing a skirt and likes to diddle boys.
Besides, what is intrinsically wrong with linking it to MLK or Dorothy Danderidge? Whomever it was that set it up like that, sure their intentions are racist, but think about this a moment: if you sat down the average 10 year-old and got them to see this page, then they went to either of those two DVD packages, and then you asked them about who MLK or Dorothy was, and they'd give you the same blank stupid vacant stare that they have when they're playing ”Spatterhouse II“ on their Supergame system.
We're living in a society where it's easy to keep our kids quiet, just sit them down in front of the screen and turn on the game system. Parents are erasing their children's brain cells faster than alcohol or drugs cold ever do by letting them play that shit. Good going, folks. They're getting dumber every year... God fuck America.
Jell, as long as the electricity and the pumped-in air keeps working in my bunker, the satellites that provide me minute-to-minute info from the Nikkei and the Dow (in that order of monetary importance - American stocks are mostly shit now), and my DSL provides me with who's selling, and who's marketing the newest nose-hair trimmer, I will NEVER have to get up at the crack of early for the man no' mo', cause I buy here, I sell here, and I watch ”A Different World“ reruns on Oxygen and earning 13% from the Caymans (which I locked into back in '89) while you're out busting your ass making oversized Modell parts for no-one in particular and wearing makeup.
Wearing MAKEUP, dude.
On Rhonetta Johnson's appearance on American Idol:
For every Black American trying to make a difference (Kanye West, or maybe Sen. Obama), there's these shif'less Negroes stereotyping the race by being ”ghetto“ on national TV and helping to become the poster child of the moment for the Klan, among other scum White racist groups.
Thanks, you stupid bitch.
(Note: this was a very hard one to excerpt, probably Johnny's most eloquent post, so I'd advise you read it all)
9-11 was a deadly day for a lot of people, but it was the day our invicibility was tested, and we failed miserably the days and weeks afterwards.
We believed the lies of people who were paid to lie, we gave our children so that they could die for that lie, and most of all, the thing that hurts me the most, is that I see the flags of those same dead ”heroes“ at least once a day on my computer as I go about wandering around in cyberspace.
On remakes:
The more we (that is to say the greedy fucks in Hollywood) make shit out of the past, the more we will reject the motion that anything from the past was any good in the first place.
Once our good memories are dropped into the Memory Hole (please see your book for reference), we will become the very zombies of Consumer-ica, thus ensuring our country will become a desolate wasteland of ignorant children who will crave nothing but a Bel Grande Taco (whatever the fuck that is, since I've never been in a Taco Bell - I like real food) and Tivo'd Paris Hilton commercials, and nothing more.
And finally, on the future:
This world is doomed to be chopped into two very unreal extremes:
One will be a world in which it will be all pink and fuzzy, and gayness and obesity and interracial relationships and hardcore liberalism will be at it's center. It's society will be free, and happy, and it will collapse into itself because of the lack of real rules governing it's goals.
The other side will be tolatarian, and rigid, and severe, and cold, and shades of blue and black will rule the daylight. Mommies and daddies will be happily repressed, and lawns will be cut and taxes will be on time, and there will be no more Welfare or abortion clinics, because everyone will be happy because the State tells them to, and this soceity will impode as well because of the too many rules and one too many bodies of government wrapped up into one that will be too busy securing it's ”freedoms“ to remember individuality endures, no matter how many laws and edicts are enburdened on them.
I prefer to blow my brains out if I had to choose. I need a happy balance of both, just as a cokehead needs a little whiskey to cut the edge off after blowing an eight-ball.
it's hard to decide which quote would look best on a t-shirt.
"One bullet is not enough" is the clear winner, I feel.
yep. that's a good one. some other nominees:
I prefer to blow my brains out if I had to choose.
Thanks, you stupid bitch.
”The fat man's dead!“
and from today's comments:
I hope the plane that crashes into my house is a Cessna, I've always appreciated the design.
The phrase "blowing an eight-ball" leads me to believe Jonathan has led a colorful life.
Thought you'd include the day he ripped into me for ragging on South Park. Lots of classics though. And I agree with BigFat on the Cessna line. I feel Johnny's best work is yet to come.
I've been waiting a long time for a greatest hits collection like this. I laughed out loud at Johnny's exasperated reaction to Scaramouch's trained moths story, prematurely announcing that he was over us.
Dang. I usually don't read the backblog here, but I think I'll start. This guy rocks.
The interesting thing is, when I read the quote above, from the "wise sage" I immediately recognized the name Anna Scott as being the name of Julia Roberts' character in the movie Notting Hill, and the actual quote, in the movie, goes like this: "Really. And, one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act and I will become some sad middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while."
Now, maybe the quote was actually copied in the movie from some real "wise sage", but I doubt it...
Ha-ha! Impostor!!!
Signed: Not-a-Julia-Roberts-Fan...
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