Before we start, let me fill you in on Regan. In case you've been dead for the past few years, she's one of the most powerful women in book publishing. She's out for blood - people seem to be hired and fired at will for no reason, all employees sign a confidentiality agreement (one of which is about to expire--so expect a 'fictionalized' novel on life at Regan books sometime soon), she focuses on celebrity, not quality books, and there's been a rumor for years that one of her assistants pissed in her coffee. Ok, so much for deep background.

THE TRUTH ABOUT DIAMONDS by Nicole Richie

So. Nicole. Nicole. Nicole. How on earth did you let Judith Regan talk you into letting Mary J. Blige pose on the cover of your book? This photograph is so creepy that I won't sleep with it in my room. You look plastic. And what are you covering up with your hand? What do you call that look? The Face Grab? It'd be hilarious if you did it to someone else, but grabbing your own face just looks funky. And, yeah, we all know that's a weave.

As for the book itself, there's no way she wrote it. I can admit I'm a bit of a fan. If you saw the first season of "The Simple Life"--filmed right here in Arkansas!--you know that she is a bit clever and has a sense of playfulness and humor about her; something her BFF Paris sorely misses. And that sarcastic and dry wit, the quick-ish brain, comes through in the text. But I'm a dumbass and even I could imitate her speech and joke patterns. I hope some ghostwriter got loads of money for this garbage. The plot is so complicated (I think there are two Nicholes and one Paris that moves from person to person-hard to follow) and there is so much travel and in and out of rehab, I'll just leave it to the curious to seek out this stunning tale of Heiresses and their hangers-on.

FABULOSITY by Kimora Lee Simmons

And Kimmora. What can I say? First, the title: FABULOSITY. I already know I'm not reading this crap. I'm not fabulous enough as it is? What's with the leopard print scarf? Is that like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak? If so, please make yourself invisible.

I can't say much about the book because I can't get a free copy of it. And, baby phat girl, I'm not about to pay for this shit. Read at your own risk.

Judith? I think you're a sick fuck.

YOUR HEIRESS DIARY by Paris Hilton

And off to Paris. Or on Paris. Or in Paris. The cover of this book, which is NOT a Regan book, is silly and harmless. Paris sits in bed, smiling innocently as possible, writing in a faux diary. Your Heiress Diary: Confess It All To Me is not a book, exactly. It's a diary with prompts from Hilton as to what you should write in this $20.00 hardback book. For fun, I thought I'd respond to a few:

1. CHAPTER ONE: IT'S ALL ABOUT ME
a. Age: 31
b. Dress size: not as small as you, which makes me cry
c. Height: 6' 8''
d. Pants Size: Zero
e. Shoe Size: 4.5
f. Bikini Size: I go naked. Why waste money?
g. Eye color: I LOVE colored contacts, but I'm naturally blue with yellow specks.
h. Hair Color (natural): mochacoholatta
i. Hair Color (Today): Pumpkin Spice Frappachino
j. Ring Size: Paris? Are you trying to hurt me? I have sausage fingers. They are fat. There. I admitted it.
k. New Worth: -$30,000
l. Things I Love About Me: I have a nice nose.
m. Things I hate about me: My suicidal tendencies.

CHAPTER TWO: NOT FOR PRIME TIME
a.Things I don't want anyone to know: Is this a trick question? Who the fuck would answer that?
b. Things I want everyone to know: I'm nurturing a heroin habit. SO GLAM!
c. Biggest pickle I've ever been in: Actually, Paris, love, the pickle was in me.
d. How I got out of it: I don't want to be explicit, so I'll skip this one.
e. What I learned: Buy smaller pickles, dumbass.

CHAPTER THREE: I'M WITH PARIS
a. The friends I love the best in the world!!!!!: Boston BFF, Midwestern BFF, Tenure Track BFF, Brooklyn BFF, Toad Suck, ARBFF.
b. Crucial Phone Number: Most recent ex and my mother.

CHAPTER FOUR: CHANNELING MY INNER HEIRESS
a. (Let me begin and end by noting Paris' introduction to this chapter) "Look in the mirror once a day and say, "I'm an heiress! And I'm worth a bundle"! Paris? (Which is an anagram of Pairs, as in skanky underwear) Now you need to just go suck it. Not on film this time, please.
b. I didn't act like an heiress today , but I should have when: I made Nicole's head explode with my death ray.
c. Quotations that inspire me: Cute boys make the work go 'round.: That's Paris. I think it's smart guys.
d. OOH! OOH! Another awesome Paris quote: "If you think you're perfect, you actually get a lot prettier." That has never worked for me, you bullshit peddler,

CHAPTER FIVE: YOUR HEIRESS LOOK
a. What looks good this season?: Underage Asian hookers? I don't know. . . And that Motley Crue mirror you won at the fair? Do Heiresses actually go to the Arkanasas state fair?
b.. What is not hot this season: capri pants. flop flops, blow outs, Paris fucking Hilton and her entire money grubbing family.
c. My favorite shoes: MY ADIDAS
d. My favorite shoe for evening: MY ADIDAS
e. What I wored on a a big date night: A push-up bra and a thong. It was HOT.
f. What not to wear: Why are you trying to box me in, Paris? I would never wear a "Vote for Pedro" shirt, because I saw your fiance wearing one and it ruined it for for me. Also, the best line in the movie is "So do the chicken have large tallons"? I also love the brother who gets married and his awesome girlfriend. So that's what's hot and what's not this season.
g. The best thing about brunettes is: they all look the same until you're familiar with their asses.
h. The best thing about being blonde: Having your weave pulled off in front of the paparazzi in West Hollywood. That rocks! All press is good press. Including porn tapes. What are you waiting for bitch? One Night Of Joy? Men would be all over that. You're an heiress with no money or a hooker with a lot of money-- I can' t tell yet.

CHAPTER SIX: BEING AN HEIRESS IS A MATTER OF TASTE
a. The "Hot List." What is scorching? Warwick the Handsome or Lindsey Millar.
b. What's on fire? The OA, Vino's, very high heels with killer jeans.
c. What's lukewarm? Dental Work. Vince Vaughan and Jennifer Anniston. Living wih your mom. "My Name Is Ed" is also overrated.
d. What is totally off the hot list? American Apparel, Jennifer Garner, being tan in winter, wearing an apron during your home school lessons.
e. What is your favorite (insert here)? Since you ask, your curent book is my favorite read, "The Simple Life" is my favorite TV show, "One Night in Paris" is my favorite movie, and although I don't care much for music videos, I LOVED your Carl's hamburger commercial. I'll eat that meat all day.

And finally....

**IMPORTANT PARIS HILTON QUOTE": When someone asks me what my world view is, I say 'pink.'"

XOXO
YGA

(By the way, I promised an addendum to fill y'all in on all the insanity that followed the publication of this article about my ex who plays with Green Day. It's coming.)